A Loving Feeling - its_brighter_now (2024)

Chapter 1: Real Men

Chapter Text

“I have someone new for you to meet.”

The two women shifted through the crowd dodging bodies through hazy vision. Yes, it was a club. Yes, they were drunk. Rangiku smiled broadly, pulling Hotaru close as she pointed a finger at a tower of a man with perfect teeth and a head full of cerulean hair.

“His name is Grimmjow.” She shouted over the booming noise of the bar. Hotaru shot Rangiku a baffled look and snorted.

“f*ck off! He’s way out of my league.” Hotaru looked down at herself, straightening her skirt. She wore a cropped shirt with one strap going over her shoulder and a tight skirt; her jacket had been hanging over her arm for most of the night.

“Go talk to him. Gin showed him your picture and he’s interested in you. It’s worth a shot at least.” She said with a wink. Rangiku had nothing to lose: she was married to her childhood sweetheart, had a house, wanted kids. Fortunately for Hotaru, she also made an effort to find love for her best friends.

Hotaru was puzzled, "When did you arrange this?" It was rare for Gin to take initiative in her love life, and Rangiku didn't usually pick the beefy sort for Hotaru.

Rangiku grinned, "That doesn't matter! Just go talk to him!"

“Fine.” Hotaru grumbled, moving through the crowd closer to this stranger. He is f*cking hot. And out of my league.She sighed and approached him, acting as if shehad nothing to lose and with a little help from liquid courage, things would be okay. With a light tap on the shoulder, she waited to meet his piercing gaze. Eyes to match the hair, she noted. He looked down at her, taking a moment to recognize where he knew her from.

“Gin’s friend?” His voice was deep and strong.

“Yeah. Well, more of his wife’s friend.” (That wasn't entirely true, the three of them were actually all best friends). This man had an intense look to him--almost intimidating. Strong features with bright crystalline eyes and perfect teeth. “I’m Kanisawa. Hotaru.” If it weren't for the alcohol, she was sure her voice would be trembling.

He grinned and lifted his glass,“Grimmjow.”

Hotaru felt a bead of sweat forming on her forehead as he refused to break eye contact. Clearly, this man had an ego of a f*cking god. “You’re single?” He asked, leaning in a little closer to her ear.

“Yeah.” Was all she could muster. He was well aware of the power he held over her, or any person for that matter.

“Are you trying to go home with someone tonight?” Hotaru felt a jolt of clarity shoot through every cell in her body. Immediately she scanned the room for Rangiku. Was he for real?

“Well, uh, I think Rangiku is still here. I don’t…” And as if she could read minds, Rangiku appeared.

“Hey! I think I’m gonna head out,” She glanced at Grimmjow and back at Hotaru. “If you wanna come? Or stay?” She was testing the waters: Is this guy a creep or is my best friend going home with him?

“Uh, I think I’ll hang out for a bit longer.” Hotaru said with a gulp. She honestly did want to stay. If things went sour, she always had the option of calling a cab to get home. Rangiku gave Hotaru a knowing nod and squeezed her hand.

“Okay! I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you!” Grimmjow’s eyes made their way back onto Hotaru.

He raised his eyebrows, “So?”

“Actually, do you wanna get out of here?” She practically spat. She couldn’t deny that she was nervous. She liked to pretend that she was the type of girl to have one night stands, but they were f*cking terrifying--Hotaru had a bad habit of getting attached very quickly.

Grimmjow stared into her and grinned, feeling the blood starting to rush to his co*ck. “Yours or mine?”

After a quick walk, they arrived at Hotaru’s apartment. She tossed her keys on the counter, glancing back at Grimmjow who was taking in the scenery of her apartment. “Just you?”

“I have a roommate, but she’s out for the night.” Actually, she basically lived with her boyfriend, but that was not pertinent information. Hotaru didn’t mind the solitude; plus it made things less awkward when she brought strange men home. Normally, she would never bring a man to herhome; it was risky and usually hard to kick them out after they finished.

Grimmjow felt like an exception. He didn’t seem like the type to overstay his welcome.

Removing her jacket, she felt Grimmjow’s arms slither around her waist.

“Oh?” She giggled, “So quick?” His arms tightened, pulling her hips close to his and a whimper escaped her lips, knees weakening as she felt him firmly jut his hard co*ck against her ass. Tossing her head back to allow access to her neck, he moved her hair to the side, showering her neck with open mouthed kisses, biting down as she pushed her ass against him.

“Show me your room.” He growled into her ear, nipping at the lobe. She turned around, gazing into his lustful eyes with the same expression. With a nod, she tossed her jacket and led him to her bed.

“Sorry the bed isn’t made.” She mumbled, embarrassed at the slight mess of her room. She certainly was not expecting to be f*cking in her bedroom tonight. Grimmjow ignored her statement, barely taking time to look at any surroundings and pulled off his shirt with a quick tug. For the first time he met her lips, tugging at her bottom lip with his teeth, eliciting a deep groan from Hotaru.

Following suit, Hotaru pulled away from he kiss and yanked off her shirt and started to unzip her skirt. “Wait.” Grimmjow growled. His lips were puffy and his eyes were dark. She glanced at his crotch, feeling her puss* ache at the sight of his tight pants over his hard co*ck. Her head felt light.

“Sit down.” He demanded and she obeyed. He lowered himself to his knees in front of the bed, flush with Hotaru’s thighs. Surprisingly gently, he brushed his fingertips along the inside of her thighs, yanking a whine from Hotaru’s mouth. Tightening his grip, he used his wrists to hike her skirt up to her hips, pulling her already wet panties to the side with two fingers.

“Grimmjow, f*ck.” She whispered. Grimmjow hadn’t been the first but he was certainly the hottest.

“What, baby? We haven’t even started yet.” All at once, he forcefully spread her thighs, pushed her onto her back, and pulled her closer to his mouth.“You are so f*cked.” He laughed to himself, leaning in, tongue instantly meeting cl*t.

Hotaru gasped, aching her back, burying her head into the bed beneath her. She wanted to stuff the sheets into her mouth to stifle the moans. He ate her like he’s known her puss* for decades, like he’s memorized each fold; each delicate space; like he’s wrapping himself in a warm blanket. Just as she felt herself getting a grip, Grimmjow prodded at her, starting with two fingers. She felt a grin on his lips as she dug her heels into the bed frame, babbling nonsense into the darkness of her bedroom.

The room was spinning as she felt everything rise to a climax and crash back onto her head, the tight heat in her stomach releasing onto Grimmjow’s fingers. She was speechless, chest rising and falling with ragged breaths. As she caught her breath, she watched as his huge figure rose above her, unbuckling his belt.

“Grimmjow,” She whispered, awestruck. She tried to recall the last time she felt so feral. She propped herself onto her elbows to get a better look at his thick co*ck as his pants dropped to the floor. She took in the picture of his naked body, he was more muscular than any man she had ever been with--he was broad and tall and so f*cking hot.

“Take your skirt off.”

Hotaru obeyed, shimmying her skirt and underwear off, still gazing at Grimmjow longingly. Grimmjow climbed on top of her, spreading her thighs, and lining his co*ck up with her, rubbing the tip along her folds. Hotaru moaned and thrashed beneath him. A sharp, toothy grin spread across his face; nearly turning predatory.

“I’m gonna f*cking ruin you.” He said, scanning Hotaru’s body, fingers brushing over her goosebump covered legs, lingering on her hip bone. He lined his co*ck up with her, rubbing the tip up and down her slit, igniting her body with fire. Settling his hands on her hip bone, he held her still while he thrusted into her. She whined nonsense; “s’too big” or cooing “oh yeah, that’s good.” Grimmjow towered over her, drilling his co*ck inside of her, watching her f*cked out face try to make sense of all the pleasure. He liked her. Maybe he would even do this again. He gazed at her breasts moving rhythmically with his hips and grinned.

“You’ve got some nice tit*, babe.” His hand trailed up to her already erect nipple and gave it a tug.

An already wrecked Hotaru arches, legs trembling, “Grimmjow, I’m gonna—“ ending with a body shaking org*sm.

“Oh, you like that, huh?” In fact, heliked it too, his own body reaching its climax. As if he was rushed, he leans forward, biting her breasts, definitely leaving a mark; never ceasing his fast paced speed. “f*ck!” He groaned, collapsing on top of her.“It’s Hotaru, right?” He says into her chest, breathing heavily, definitely not acknowledging how much he is enjoying the smell of her sweat. She answers with a silent nod. “Usually, I do two rounds, but I’ve gotta be up early tomorrow. Wanna see me tomorrow evening?”

Hotaru sits up, propping herself on her elbows. “As much as I would love that, unfortunately I have plans tomorrow evening.” She gazed at the man above her, looking past his muscles at the light freckles on his shoulders; her hand gravitated to his azure hair, just to see how it feels,she promised herself.

“Oi, why all the lovey-dovey sh*t?” He called from beneath her. She pushed him with a huff and rolled out onto her feet, she stood akimbo with her hand face up.

“Okay, well it’s time for you to go, sir. Give me your phone and I’ll put my number in.” He sat up with a groan and Hotaru’s eyes immediately shot to his limp dick, feeling something stir inside of her. Maybe she would want to see him again.

Chapter 2: Real Men: Part II

Chapter Text

Gin and Rangiku lived in a beautiful house in the suburbs. They had a fenced in backyard, multiple bathrooms, and even raised ceilings. Marriage suited them. Hotaru took full advantage of their domesticity and helped herself to their house every weekend for dinner.

She sat atop the kitchen counter, watching Gin cook them dinner—some fancy salad that he found in a cookbook. It was nothing out of the ordinary for the three of them to huddle in the kitchen while Gin cooked, half listening to the conversation. It had been something of a tradition for nearly all of their lives.

“Gin, I’m sorry but I don’t understand how your work friend thought I was his type at all!”

“It was that bad?” He asked. Clearly Rangiku did not fill him in on the text Hotaru sent her not even a minute after Grimmjow left the night before:

Hotaru: HOLY f*ckING sh*t. I CAME SO HARD I ALMOST BLACKED OUT.

Hotaru snorted at Gin’s response. “No, Gin! I took him home! But he’s way too hot! Why did you do that to me?” He laughed at her whining. “So it went well?”

“Hotaru you’re insane if you think you’re not hot enough for him. He’s just beefy.” Rangiku interjected.

“Yeah, what the f*ck is a man looking like that working with you, Gin? Is he security or something?”

“No you dumbass, he does the same job as me.”

“And what is that again?” She giggled, knowing damn well he has explained this to her a hundred times before. “Actually, no. If you tell me, I won’t understand anyway.”

“Honestly I showed him your picture as a joke. I was shocked that he not only liked you but went home with you. Alcohol does wonders for the mind.” He hummed and Hotaru retaliated by kicking her foot at him which he quickly dodged.

“f*ck off, Gin.” She stared at her phone, hoping he would text her, aware that she told him she was busy tonight. Why did she tell him that again? She mused, allowing flashbacks of his hands on her thighs flood her brain. She can’t remember the last time she came so fast from a stranger. A chill struck her and she was brought back to reality. It was a Sunday, so she probably wouldn’t see him for another week — or maybe never again. But goddamn did she want to see him.

Rangiku sat at the kitchen table, seemingly reading Hotaru’s mind once again. “So when is he gonna text you again? Gin, you need to turn on your ‘guy-talk’ and ask him how it went tomorrow.” She pointed fingers like she was a military officer giving orders to her lieutenants.

“I guess I can do that.” Gin said, half laughing and Hotaru kicked again, narrowly missing.

The week passed quickly with no texts from unsaved numbers. Only Rangiku texting the group chat, pestering Gin to talk to Grimmjow, to which he responded:

Gin 🦊: You know I have a job to do, right?

Rangiku 👩❤️💋👩: as if you don’t dick off all day, slacker

Hotaru busied herself with work, cleaned her apartment, even went on a run, but even with all the distractions, she was in agony. It was stupid, she knew, that this random man who she f*cked once was consuming her waking (and sleeping) thoughts, but there was something about him that she craved. She wrote that part off as just being horny, but she didn’t want to f*ck anyone else.

She made it to Friday, but she spent her evening sat at home on her bed, reading but not able to focus on the actual words. She jolted up when she heard the door unlock, rushing to the door.

“Orihime!” She shouted, basically jumping into her arms. “I’ve missed you so much!” Orihime was Hotaru’s roommate and additional best friend. She was much younger (still in college) and spent most of her nights with her boyfriend or working at a bakery, but her being home right now was everything Hotaru could ask for.

“How was work? How is school? I cooked dinner if you want some! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you it feels like years!”

Orihime was stunned, but her heart felt full from the warm welcome. She had to admit that Hotaru seemed a bit depraved, but she kindly dismissed the thought. Squeezing out of Hotaru’s grip, she set her things down and beelined to the kitchen, followed by her clingy roommate.

“I missed you too! Work and everything is great. Honestly I have only eaten stale leftovers for the past few weeks, so I’m about to devour this.” She turned to Hotaru and smiled with kind eyes. “Thank you so much for making dinner. This looks so good.” She looked so genuine that Hotaru could cry.

Time passed quickly now that Orihime was home and Hotaru felt a wave of comfort pass over her. It was already eight o’clock, and Hotaru realized she hadn’t checked her phone in hours. There was no need to since Rangiku and Gin were out of town for the day, therefore too busy to text her. It was also a Friday night, so most of her other friends would be out with their various partners—she was shocked that Orihime was not with hers.

As if struck by a lightning bolt, she felt heat from the tips of her ears to her toes. A text:

8:09 p.m. (Unknown Number): Plans tonight?

She nearly threw her phone across the room. Holding in a squeal she shot up and ran to her bedroom to collect herself. What the f*ck does she say? She flopped onto her bed and kicked her feet. She had not prepared herself for this. She looked at the clock. Only two minutes have passed. Can she text him back that fast? She silently agreed to wait fiveminutes to text him back.

What the f*ck was she doing? Was she not an adult? She already f*cked this man, so there was really nothing to be shy about.

8:11 p.m. Hotaru: Nothing at all :)

Short and sweet, she mused. But then 10 minutes passed with no response and she was dejected once again. She already made her way back out to the living room and plopped on the couch, convincing herself not to be sad if she stayed in. Twenty minutes passed. Then thirty. Then a text.

(Unknown Number): Wanna come to mine?

Hotaru: Sorry, who is this? For all I know you could be trying to kidnap me 😳

She smiled at her response, pleased with herself. Not even a minute later, she was greeted with a photo of a very familiar looking, very veiny, very erect co*ck.

“f*ck!” She quickly shut off her phone and ran to her room again.

“Hotaru, are you okay?” Orihime called from the living room.

“Yes, sorry, I’m getting ready to go out for a bit!” She poked her head out and frowned, “Sorry to leave you the only night I get to see you.”

Truly, she wasn’t that sorry. She was so flustered she almost forgot to text back. She quickly changed into a neat little slip dress, applying makeup as quickly as she can. She was so excited she didn’t know what to do with herself.

She typed with shaky hands:

Hotaru: Send me your address.

His apartment was about 15 minutes away by train; although, it might have been the longest 15 minutes of her life. The air outside was warm, bordering on hot; the cicadas were singing loudly into the night and a drop of sweat collected on the back of her neck. She adjusted her dress and hair before knocking on the door. Almost as soon as she knocked, the door swung open and standing inside was Grimmjow. He stood tall, clad in nothing but sweatpants with a faint blush accenting his cheeks and bare chest.

Hotaru nearly gasped. “Hi.”

“Come on in.” He said, making note of the way her dress hugged her ass as she walked through. She turned to him after the door was shut and started to complain, but was abruptly stopped by Grimmjow’s lips. His mouth felt hot on hers, tasting like beer and faint cigarettes. It was sexy. His kisses were heated and powerful and his hands gathered on her ass, squeezing and pulling the fabric of her dress up. His fingers trace the inside of her thigh, grazing the line of her panties.

“Wait, Grimmjow.” She stopped and her hand on his chest, nearly panting. She looked up into his hungry eyes and noted that there was not a trace of gentleness in them; he was almost like an animal.

“I want to look at you for one second.”

She dragged her eyes all over his face, noting each individual beauty mark and freckle, almost trying to memorize them. Everything about him was sharp and almost cold, but manly. He towered over her both in stature and disposition. Quickly growing impatient, he lifted her up over his shoulder and taking her to his bedroom.

“Enough gazing at me.” He growled, setting her down onto his bed. She quickly shimmied back, giving him enough room to fit between her legs which he filled almost instantly. He grabbed her thighs, pushing her fully onto the bed, and grabbed a condom from the bedside drawer. Still in awe, she found that she could do nothing but stare at the man above her, worried that drool would start pooling in the corners of her mouth. In one swift motion, he pulls down his sweatpants, revealing, once again, his godly co*ck. As he starts to tear the foil on the condom, Hotaru lifts a finger.

“Wait.” She almost whispers and his eyes dart at her.

“Let me put it in my mouth.”

Grimmjow grins, his sharp teeth shining in the darkness of his room. “If you insist.”

He remains standing and Hotaru moves quickly from the bed to the floor in front of him, nearly gawking at the member in front of her. Shyly, she spits on her palm and takes it in her hand, giving it a few pumps, not missing the bead of precum staring her in the eyes. A moan nearly escapes her mouth as she wraps her lips around the head, her tongue dancing on the underside, slowly dragging back and forth. Grimmjow groaned and bucked his hips, pushing his co*ck further into her mouth. She obliged, still pumping the base of his shaft, opening her jaw and throat as much as she can to fit all of him inside. (Which seemed like a pipe dream.) She powered through a gag, still working her way up his co*ck when he laced his hands in her hair and pulled her off of him.

“Stand up.” He says, not missing the trail of spit linking his co*ck to her mouth. Hotaru obeys and Grimmjow tilts her chin up with his finger, forcing their eyes to meet. Tears stain her cheeks and another wide grin spreads across his face. His lips move to her neck and she lets out a guttural moan, he then lines them up to her ear and he bites down softly.

“You’re such a good girl.”

Another moan. She’s still fully clothed and Grimmjow holds the strap of her dress between his pointer finger and thumb and drops it carelessly.

“Take it all off.”

Hotaru does as she’s told, stripping naked in front of him, hoping that he is just as impressed with her as she is with him. Grimmjow grins and earnestly kisses her, effortlessly lifting her up and onto the bed, spreading her legs as wide as they can go; taking it all in. This time, the does unwrap the condom and quickly rolls it up his dick. Grimmjow can seehow wet she is and without realizing it, his fingers gravitate to her. Hotaru can do nothing but suck in a sharp gasp as he hooks his fingers inside of her, working them in and out; plunging deeply and taking care to alternate between her walls and her cl*t.

“Grimmjow,” She moans, and it comes out as ethereal. Grimmjow gets a burst of excitement and picks up his pace. Almost in a daze, he moves his lips to meet hers and as if he wants to touch, taste, and feel every part of her, he opts to move those lips down to her cl*t, keeping the same pace with his fingers. She watches his shoulders stretch and move, gazing at every muscle. His tongue barely grazes her cl*t, and Hotaru is sent over the edge; back arching off of the bed, kicking at the sheets beneath her, hands tangled in sky blue hair. She moans his name breathlessly and he smiles on the inside of her thigh, working her through her org*sm for as long as he can. Her breathing slows and she thinks she might come again watching him slowly, almost painstakingly, slip his fingers out of her and into his mouth.

For maybe the only time in her life, she can’t seem to find words to say. She wants to tell him that he is a sex god; that he makes her cum harder than anyone ever has; that she never wants him to stop. Instead, she opts into staring at him silently yet again, breath heaving. She watches him kiss his way up her thighs, over her stomach, and his lips linger on her breasts. She inhales deeply as he rolls one nipple with his thumb and pointer finger and takes the other between his lips, sucking and biting. As if it wasn’t enough, he slides his thigh between her legs.

“Grind on me, baby.”

She obeyed quickly, searching for any friction she could get, whining as she felt the coil in her stomach winding up yet again. All she could do was moan his name, rutting her hips into his muscular thigh with as much strength as she had.

“Tell me to come.” She whines, trying to hide the begging tone that laced itself into her words.

“Oh, f*ck,” he groaned and she could feel the vibrations from his words through her breast. “You want me to tell you to come? You would like that, huh?”

His thigh stayed firmly in place, soaking up every squelch and every drop of her juices as he moved his mouth up to her ear. He spoke lowly, nipping on her earlobe, “Come on me, baby.”

Lewd moans fill his bedroom, echoing off the walls, as she releases. Again, she can’t help but pant his name, begging him to f*ck her dumb.

This is all music to Grimmjow’s ears. “I can arrange that.”

He pulls his thigh back, relishing the slick that has collected on in and lines his hips up with hers. He collects lubrication from her still shining puss*, rubbing up and down, to which she responds with grinding more; moaning more. Grimmjow tosses his head back in ecstasy and in one motion, bottoms out inside of her.

“You look so good all f*cked out underneath me, don’t you?” He growls as he plows into her. His co*ck is thick and she quite literally feels filled to the brim. His pace is harsh and strong, but Hotaru is nearly f*cked senseless, enjoying every second of the pain mixed with pleasure. She nods and whines, screwing her eyes shut. The next few moments were only the sounds of skin slapping, squelching, moaning, groaning, breathing, and the poor mattress; he f*cked her into it so hard, she wondered if they would merge into one.

He pulled her legs over his shoulders, drilling into her, forcing tears to form in her eyes. She had never been f*cked to tears before and the thought made her clench around him.

“f*ck, baby. You grippin’ on me?” He rewarded her with a more punishing pace and she felt close again. She gripped the sheets and took it, relishing every second of his co*ck pounding into her, abusing her cervix. She was sure she would barely be able to walk after this. He folded her into a mating press, pushing as deep as he could and she found herself unaware that those depths could be reached inside of her.

He kissed her tears and grinned.

“Come with me.”

And she did. And she came hard. And Grimmjow came too. She felt nothing and everything at the same time; as if her body had evolved. It was peaceful, yet ruinous. As Grimmjow came, she noticed how the veins in his neck bulged and how broad his shoulders really are.

He rested on his elbows on top of her, chest rising and falling quickly. He was genuinely beautiful. His hair was messy and sticking to his face and Hotaru felt her hand gravitating to push it off his forehead. To her surprise, he let her. She pushed a little further and traced his jawline with her fingers.

“What did I say about that lovey-dovey sh*t?” He snapped.

He abruptly pulled out, rolling the condom off and tossing it in the trash. Hotaru stared at him dreamily, still laying on the bed, propped up on her elbows.

“When can I see you again?” She asked, still gazing softly. He turned around and made his way to the bathroom, unashamedly pissing with the door open.

“You go to that bar often?” He called out.

“What, Black Jewel?”

He entered again with a wet washcloth, standing naked in all of his glory and Hotaru felt herself warming up again. Her eyes raked over over inch of his body. She hadn’t really had a chance to see what he looked like before this moment and she drank it up unabashedly.

He only grunted in response, which Hotaru took as a yes.

“Yes, Rangiku and I go there all the time. Why? Do you wanna go together?”

He turned back to look at her and she grinned. “We’re going tomorrow. Do you wanna come?”

“Just so you know, this is casual. Going to the bar together is not a date.”

“I know.”

He nodded and continued to wipe himself off with a washcloth.

“You gonna go piss or am I gonna hear you whine about a UTI?” He grunted, jutting his thumb in the direction of the bathroom.

Hotaru stood up on wobbly legs and made her way over, feeling his gaze on her as she grabbed her clothes to get dressed. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was, in fact, completely f*cked out. Her hair was wild, her entire body was flushed, and from the waist down she felt like she had been snapped in half. Something felt off about this time. He seemed like he was enjoying himself, but now he was acting cold which made her doubt the entire night.

She opened the door back to his room to see him in his boxers, laying on the bed, looking at his phone.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you around then.” She said with a soft smile. “I think you broke me in half, so thank god there’s no round two tonight, huh?”

He glanced up and grinned. “Are you asking for more?”

Hotaru felt her puss* throb.

“Are you saying you’ll give me more?”

Almost instantly, Grimmjow was up from the bed, pulling her clothes backoff, standing behind her growling in her ear. “Why the f*ck did you get dressed if you wanted me to f*ck you again, you idiot?”

He lined her neck with harsh kisses, already plunging fingers back inside of her. She moaned, arching her back, grinding against this hard co*ck. “You got dressed too, you f*cker.”

He expertly fingered her while simultaneously leading her to the bathroom counter to bend her over. Luckily, Grimmjow had condoms in his bathroom drawers too. He quickly slipped one on and without any warning, slammed his co*ck into her, eliciting a gravelly moan from Hotaru. He drilled into her already abused puss*, groaning profanities into her ear.

“I can’t f*cking believe you wanted a round two, you really can’t get enough of me, huh? Bet you were waiting around all week, f*cking your fingers thinking about me, huh?”

Hotaru clenched down and moaned a breathy, “yes, yes, yes.”

He reached around and rubbed circles on her swollen cl*t, immediately sending her over. She yelped and groaned and made more animal noises than she knew she was capable of.

“Grimmjow, you f*cking jackass. Why didn’t you call me so I could’ve f*cked you sooner? I wanted you on Sunday; I wanted you every day of the week and you made me--” A harsh thrust, “f*ck, you made me wait.”

She didn’t even know the words that were spilling out of her mouth, but she could barely speak and felt drool dripping out of the corner of her mouth. She forgot where they were until she felt his fingers on her chin, tilting her face up to meet his eyes in the mirror.

“Look at you. I bet you’ve never been so f*cked out in your whole life.” He thrusted harder, watching as more tears spilled onto her cheeks. She watched as his grin widened, relentless with his co*ck; even more powerful with his fingers resuming on her cl*t.

“Come for me. Again.”

She whined and protested, but her body jolted and her thighs shook, clamping down on him harder than before.

“Oh, f*ck—I felt that one, baby.” He almost whimpered in her ears, his pace stuttered and she could tell he was not far behind her.

They stood panting for a second time this evening; this time with sweat gluing their bodies together. Hotaru knew that she would be sore tomorrow, but somehow this second round made her feel better about Grimmjow; he did want her like she wanted him, he was just not willing to communicate that.

“Okay, I really need to go now.” Hotaru breathed, hunched over the counter, still connected to the man behind her.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said into the skin between her neck and shoulder.

Maybe he could be gentle.

Chapter 3: Don't Blame Me

Chapter Text

The air outside was cooler now. The train home rumbled around her; there was a comforting chatter that nearly lulled her to sleep. How long had she been there? She checked her phone, the harsh light glaring into her eyes.

12:42 A.M.

“Jesus Christ.” She mumbled to herself as she swiped up on the screen, dialing Rangiku’s number.

The line rang twice.

“You okay?” She immediately asked. It was late, after all.

“Yes, I’m fine. On my way home. Can you talk?”

Hotaru filled her in on every explicit detail, luckily there were no passengers close enough to hear the filth that was coming out of her mouth.

“—And he asked to come to Jewel with us tomorrow.”

“You’re kidding.” She broke her silence. “He wants to see you again? That soon?”

“Well, he said it’s not a date, so I’m not really expecting anything. He’s probably f*cking other people.”

A pause. An excruciating pause. Hotaru let the realization sink in. Grimmjow was a grown man. Living in the city. Of course, he was. Right? Hotaru couldn’t fault him for that. It had only been one week. One week of Hotaru planning out where they’d honeymoon. Not that she was serious. It was just that he seemed perfect for her. She hadn’t realized it until tonight when she was looking at herself in his bathroom mirror, in his apartment. There were no others before him that made her feel this way; made her feel so...womanly? So feminine? She was already willing to drop everything for him.

“Don’t you think?”

Rangiku was silent after this, mulling it over; she decided to take the positive route.

“We won’t know until you ask! Besides, do youwant this to be more than casual? After all, the last time you seriously dated someone was in undergrad.”

Lately, she had been in a phase of hooking up with strangers and ghosting them, but Grimmjow seemed so high above everyone else. It was more than good dick; it was more than his ability to make her come so hard she forgot she existed. She chewed her lips in contemplation. What did she want? To “get to know him better”? Admittedly, his personality was pretty sh*t. He hardly spoke but for some reason Hotaru felt like he understood her. That was possible, right?

She huffed and turned the lock to her apartment.

“I honestly don’t know. Anyway, I need to go. I just got home. Love you.”

“Love you! See you tomorrow, and pleasefor the love of god get some rest.”

Hotaru suddenly felt sadness wash over her. She genuinely questioned herself as to why she wanted him so bad; why she knew she would keep coming back no matter how seemingly emotionally unavailable he was; no matter how casualthis was.

Hotaru scanned through the crowd at the Jewel, searching for blue hair, but with no luck. She pulled out her phone as Rangiku ordered them their drinks. She typed several lines, deleted, typed; “we’re by the bar ;)”, “are u here?”, “hope to see you tonight!”, but with each message she typed, she felt herself physically cringe.

“She’s having a bit of a crisis right now.” Hotaru heard Rangiku speak and looked up to see Rangiku’s thumb pointed back at her. “Have you seen a guy with blue hair? His name is Grimmjow-”

The bartender offered a contemplative look but shook her head no and finished making their drinks. They knew her well and she was all too familiar with Hotaru’s shenanigans although she had never seen her this anguished.

“Rangiku, what do I say to him?” She whined, waving her phone around, ignoring the bartender.

“First of all, please drink this. Second, just relax for a few minutes! We just got here.” She turned her head back to the bartender, “Thank you, Isane! Sorry she’s so checked out right now!”

Hotaru pounded her drink and moved to the center of the bar, searching for him. Still nothing. She considered the possibility of him being here with another woman and her stomach started to hurt. She moved the floor, hoping that her drink would kick in quickly.

After a few more drinks and a lot of singing and dancing, Hotaru had nearly forgotten that they’d come here with the intent of seeing Grimmjow. This moment was dedicated to her and her best friend; she almost felt free without the weight of him on her shoulders.

If she was honest with herself, she would admit that was all a lie. She was begging herself to think of anything other than him, but every pair of square shoulders made her heart race.

“I’m gonna go outside to cool down, wanna come?” She shouted to Rangiku over the noise, fanning herself dramatically. “It’s too sweaty in here!”

Rangiku shook her head no and kept dancing while Hotaru made her way out seeking whatever kind of breeze she could get, far away from the stuffy heat of the bodies inside. It was safe out here, with a few stragglers smoking cigarettes, making out, or throwing up. Finding the nearest wall, she tossed her head back and let out a long sigh.

“Want a smoke?”

It was so dark outside she couldn’t make out exactly who the voice was coming from. Must have been someone else, she thought, relaxing against the wall again.

“Oi, are you ignoring me?”

Her eyes snapped up. She knew that voice.Instantly locking onto the figure in front of her, dressed in a simple white t-shirt with a pair of dark jeans stood Grimmjow, tall and sure of himself. Heat rose to her cheeks, and she fought the smile threatening to give away her composure.

“Grimmjow,” she said softly (when she meant to say it cooly) “you’re here.”

He co*cked his head to the side and made himself comfortable on the brick wall beside her.

“No sh*t.”

She subtly leaned in closer to him, trying to absorb some of the warmth off his body in contrast to the warmth she was so desperately trying to escape from inside.

“Yeah,” She almost whispered, daring to gaze up at him. “I’ll take a smoke.”

All too smoothly, he handed her a cigarette and lit it. As if she was trying to commit this moment to memory, she stared longingly at his eyes, his hands, his lips in the soft glow of the lighter. Something about his face seemed soft in this moment and she felt the urge to touch her hand to his cheek. Starkly brought back to reality, the flame died.

“You don’t seem like a smoker.” He said, pulling back and lighting his own, pressing his body against the wall followed by a long drag. Hotaru did the same, letting the nicotine calm her nerves before she spoke.

“I usually don’t.” She responded flatly, staring off at the cars passing, listening to the sounds of tires on pavement, vaguely drowned out by the booming music on the other side of the wall.

“So, why’d you ask me then?”

He seemed offended, as if she accused him of something. He took another long drag, and she felt his piercing gaze on her. She pondered on his silence, questioning why he suddenly appeared; secretly thinking that she had the upper hand for once. She shook her head and laughed, breaking the silence.

“You really don’t have anything to say to that?” She said with another chuckle, still not meeting his gaze.

The only response she received was another long drag. Hotaru did the same, ashing it as she took another deep breath. God, he was f*cking infuriating. She stomped on the ash beneath her, feeling the buzz of alcohol and nicotine, a wave of bravery washed over her, and she turned to him.

“I wanted to see you tonight.” She stated pointedly. After meeting his gaze, she quickly returned to her spot against the wall, crossing her free hand around her chest. Grimmjow chuckled quietly, tossing his cigarette on the ground, and stomping on it.

It was as if he knew the torture, he was putting her through and enjoying watching her unravel in front of him. His fingers gently traveled up her arm and his hot breath was on her neck in a matter of seconds. Hotaru whined at the contact, furious that she really was coming undone so easily.

Whispering, he finally spoke. “I want to take you home and f*ck you.”

Hotaru gasped, tilting her head back against the brick, dropping her cigarette immediately. He did it. He won. Again. Internally, she battled with the decision of taking him home or proving her own point. She was stronger than this. Right?

His lips brushed against her neck, peppering her skin with small kisses followed by the tiniest bites. His body enveloped hers like it was nothing as he pushed her against the wall, gripping her breast with his hand.

“Nn, Grimmjow,” She whined, literally aching. She opened her eyes, feeling everything abruptly fall back into place. “I have to tell Rangiku I’m leaving-”

He let up immediately and smiled at how disheveled she was already. Hotaru scurried inside and found her friend in record timing.

“Jesus, f*ck! Where have you been?” She shouted over the music. Before Hotaru could respond, Rangiku’s jaw fell open, clearly aware of what a state Hotaru was in. Her pupils were blown out, somehow her hair was disheveled, and there was the faintest sheen of spit on her neck. “You’re f*cking kidding! He’s here?”

Hotaru nodded meekly and instinctively tried to cool her hot cheeks with her hands. “He’s here. And he wants me to-”

Rangiku laughed. “Okay, okay. Well, be safe please. I love you!”

They took his car back to Hotaru’s apartment (it was closer, after all) and rode in complete silence. Grimmjow’s hand ventured to her thigh, and she yelped almost like she was in pain. She dared to look over at his face, lit by the street lights and dim glow of the night. His grin was severe in the darkness and she felt a shiver go up her spine. Before his hand could travel further, they arrived.

Their bodies immediately melted into one upon entering the apartment; stripping, stumbling, lips attached, gasping for air. She tasted the cigarettes and beer on his lips again, moaning even deeper into his mouth. He tasted like a man. She tugged on his shirt, freed him of his belt, and unzipped his pants all while still attached to his mouth.

They crashed onto her bed when Hotaru stopped Grimmjow again.

“Why do you insist on staring at me?” He growled in response to her halting them. He took this as an opportunity to peel the rest of her clothes off, unknowingly giving her the time she needed to take him in. She gazed at him longingly, bravely stroking his cheek which he recoiled at.

“Let me f*cking touch you, jackass!” She snapped back at him, pinning him under her met with surprisingly very little resistance. He looked up at her with uncharacteristically gentle eyes as she brushed the back of her hand along his cheek bone. Grimmjow was sharp; each of his features was pronounced and distinct.

“You’re so pretty.” She giggled, kissing him gently on the nose.

He quickly swatted her hand away, grinning as he flipped her on her back, taking in her nearly naked body with hungry eyes

“You’ve done enough touching.” His words were low and terse in her ear, eliciting a low groan from the back of her throat.

“You look so pretty underneath me.”

“Do I?” It came out as a whisper. He nodded. Faint enough that she could barely catch it, but sure enough that she held it close as if it was her most precious belonging. She felt a primal urge mixed in with something captivating and sweet bubbling up in her stomach. He was beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that she found herself asking him to stay with her after they finished; pulling on his arm as he stood up to redress himself.

She looked up at him with kind eyes and a sweet smile, letting her arm fall to his hand and tugging harder.

“Stay.” She said, adding a soothing lilt to her voice. Please stay. Her eyes pleaded as he considered the offer. It was a Saturday night (and she knew that he worked a normal 9 to 5 based on him working the same job as Gin). He stared at her contemplatively, pondering his options. He sported a flush from his ears down to his still bare chest. They had gone two rounds (again) and Hotaru knew he was just as tired as she was--if not more tired, thanks to him doing all the work as usual. It wasn’t that she minded, but Grimmjow was quite insistent on taking charge.

She held his gaze until he finally conceded, dropping his clothes back on her floor.

“Only because I’m tired.” He mumbled, crawling back into bed with her. They sat like that for a while, staring at the ceiling, and Hotaru almost felt like they were gazing at stars together. She leaned into his warmth and sighed contently.

“I’m glad you decided to see me tonight.” She breathed, eyes still on the ceiling.

“Yeah?”

She turned on her side, propping herself up on her elbow to see his face again. She smiled, tracing her fingers up from his firm abdomen, over his chest, across his shoulders, and finally resting the back of her hand on his neck. To her surprise, he let her.

It felt like training an animal — the more she showed affection, the more he accepted her advances. Maybe he even liked it. This time, she pulled her hand back before he had the chance to swat her away and flopped back on her bed.

“I don’t let men sleep over very often.” She stated, hoping to get a reaction out of him.

“Maybe I should just head out.”

Hotaru didn’t have to look at him to hear how pleased he was with himself. He wanted her to beg for him to stay. She was willing to. Against her better judgment, she let a guffaw escape her lips. “Oh, shut the f*ck up!”

A comfortable silence fell on the room and Hotaru tried her hardest to memorize every breath, every movement, every glance she could. He was next to her. In her bed. Staying the night.

Chapter 4: Stay Soft

Chapter Text

They fell into a rhythm of meeting up, f*cking like animals, and sleeping over. But onlybecause they were “too tired to drive back home and it was easier that way.” At least, that’s what they agreed on every time. There was a familiarity that came along with their time spent together. Months passed. The hot Summer air transformed into the crisp Fall air and Hotaru changed from dresses and shorts into leggings and sweaters. Over time, she noticed little things about Grimmjow, like the small scar on his stomach that he said he got from a bar fight. His eyelashes were a lighter shade of blue and when he smiled he had the faintest dimple on his left cheek. Her favorite was seeing what his hair looked like in the morning.

Over time, he became more human and less man, leading Hotaru to think she really could be in love with him. Not that she would ever tell him that. She studied him intensely, every word he said burning into her mind. To her, he was a work of art.

However, nothing was perfect—not even remotely.

Grimmjow was not one to commit. Despite them spending almost every weekend in the other’s bed, he insisted that they were notdating. Over and over, they had the same conversation.

“Okay, but are you f*cking other people?” Hotaru cautiously proposed — not that she wanted to know the real answer. Even though deep down she knew what it was. She carried on hope that her intuition was betraying her.

“Why does it matter to you?” He gave her a dull look, as if the answer was obvious.

“Because I’mnot! You know I’m not. So why can’t I know, Grimmjow?” Her tone was piercing and beseeching.

But he never told her.

And so they carried on because it was what Hotaru wanted; she wanted his attention and that’s exactly what she got. To Grimmjow, it was excessive compared to those before her. Nevertheless, they carried on. Hotaru was willing to deal with the ever-present nausea that came along with it if it meant seeing him; if it meant that she was still the one peering into his eyes as he molded her puss* around him; as long as she could pretend that his eyes were gazing lovingly into hers when he devoured her like no one else ever had. In her mind, he was hers. Only hers. Alas, no matter how much she lied to herself, every moment of solitude was consumed by visions of him inside another woman. What good did honesty do her? She was perfectly fine with what they had going currently. At the very least, he would be seen with her in public. That was a good sign, right?

They spent most of their weekends at the bar. Not that she minded, but it was clear to anyone that Grimmjow was no stranger to alcohol. He drank like a horse and smoked at least a pack of cigarettes a day (from what she had seen, at least). Normally, this would repulse her, but something about Grimmjow specifically doing all these things made it desirable. She watched as he shamelessly downed drink after drink and tasted the cigarettes on his mouth every night and she f*cking loved it.

As if it was rehearsed, they would drink a bit, Hotaru would dance, and Grimmjow would eventually find her on the dance floor and tell her it’s time to go. He’d envelope her body with his as she pushed her ass against his groin, provoking a low groan from his lips. Grabbing her by the arm, he would guide her outside, crashing his lips against hers, demanding that they leave before he f*cked her against the nearest wall.

“You look so f*cking hot dancing out there. I can’t wait to get you out of here and tear that goddamn dress off of you.” His voice was rough and strained and Hotaru’s eyes slid down to his co*ck straining against his jeans. She managed a nod and off they went.

This particular night, he f*cked her with a rapacious speed, drilling her into his mattress, unrelenting and strong until she had mascara tears flowing down her face. His face betrayed something mixed with hostility and insatiable; Hotaru had never seen him in this state. He pulled her legs up, tossing them over his shoulder with ease as he kept up his relentless pace.

“You really are mine, huh? Saving yourself all for me?”

His words came out as cruel, but Hotaru was too lost in pleasure to hear at first; her eyes were screwed shut, one hand rubbing her cl*t as he held her legs up.

He kept going, his tone dark and harsh.

“No one else is allowed to have this. All mine. All f*ckingmine. No one else is making you come like this, huh, baby? I bet you no one else can.” He groaned, tossing his head back. “No one else. All of that other puss* doesn’t even come close.”

She stopped him, the flush in her face quickly replaced from pleasure to seething anger.

“Grimmjow, wait—why are you saying that?”

He looked dazed, like he was the one completely f*cked out.

“So you are f*cking other people?” Her voice was soft. Not accusatory or harsh, just sad. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, fighting back the embarrassment, she covered her face.

“Jesus f*cking christ.” He groaned, clearly annoyed. “You stopped me for that?”

Hotaru sat up and gave him a warning glare. Of all the ways to admit it—

“Yes, I f*cking stopped you for that. Don’t you think it’s a little unfair that you’re claiming my puss* as your own while you have god knows how many other women you’re f*cking?” She spat, sitting up and covering her naked body. She faltered, letting the tears start to fall and her voice softened with defeat. “You can’t do that.”

Grimmjow, clearly bored of this conversation, stood up and made his way to the bathroom.

“If it hurts your feelings so bad, get dressed and leave. I never told you we were exclusive; in fact, I think I told you just the opposite. If anything, you should be flattered.”

His tone was harsh, finally breaking the dam that Hotaru was trying to desperately to keep together. She sobbed in his bed, in his sheets; the very ones that she had become so familiar with over the past few months.

“You’re being mean.”

It was so low that she was sure he wouldn’t be able to hear it from the bathroom, but he came out (washcloth in hand, for himself, as usual) and shot her a co*cky grin.

“I’m being mean?” A shrill laugh came out of him. “You’re being f*cking delusional—thinking that you and I are anything more than strangers who are f*cking each other. I told you the second nightwe were together that this was nothingto me. You’re seeing what you want to see. We can work this out the way we have been or you can go.”

Hotaru sobbed into her hands, wondering if he was being reasonable. After all, he was right. He warned her time and time again that it was nothing; that they were just hooking up; that he had no feelings for her. But she convinced herself that hewas the one who was lying. He had to have feelings for her. Who else hooks up for months without developing feelings? Although, in hindsight, he never expressed any real emotions to her. She thought maybe she had an upper hand because she knew where he worked, but she only had that privilege because of Gin.

“Okay,” She whispered, pushing the sheets off of her, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Okay. I’ll go.”

A fire burned inside of her. She wanted to kick and scream and throw his sh*t across the room, into the wall, out the window; she wanted to tell him that hewas the delusional one, thinking that she would just lay down and take his bullsh*t, but she would be wrong.

She gathered her things, dressing herself quickly, and took one last glance at his apartment. Now that she was looking, she realized she never actually seen what his apartment looked like. It was tidier then she expected, not really any decoration. Not that any of it mattered.

“Goodbye.”

She did not take a last look at him.

___

Hotaru found herself in the same position she was months ago, sitting on the kitchen counter at the Ichimaru household, grumbling about the blue-haired dickhe*d. Tonight was a take-out night, so Gin and Rangiku were settled at the kitchen counter. It had only been a month since her notorious ‘walk out’ and she finally felt like she was recovering from whatever it was they had. It felt akin to a breakup, but arguably more painful because it was one sided.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, he’s completely fine. Hasn’t said a word about you.” Gin chirped after shoveling his dinner into his mouth.

“Literally shut the f*ck up!” Hotaru barked back, not missing the sly grin on her friend’s face. “You are insufferable!”

Rangiku, on the other hand, was glad the torture was over. Naturally, Hotaru had breakups before, but none that she considered this devastating. As much as she loved Hotaru, she had a feeling that Grimmjow was going to be nothing but bad news from the beginning.

“Well in other news, we have something to tell you.” Rangiku added.

Hotaru glanced around the room. Gin looked intently at his wife, and Rangiku beamed, her eyes not leaving his face. They really were a beautiful couple; undeniably made for each other. Opposites really do attract.

“Don’t f*cking tell me!” Hotaru squealed, forgetting all her sorrows.

“—We aren’t pregnant yet, but we’ve decided to start trying!”

Rangiku looked beautiful; her face was lightly dusted with pink and her eyes were shining with joy. Hotaru leapt from the counter into Rangiku’s lap. She knew this day was coming soon, but ‘soon’ always barrels into the present as fast as a gun shot. She glanced at Gin from Rangiku’s lap and grinned, smooshing Rangiku’s cheek against her own.

“Are you excited to be the surrogate for our baby?” Running the joke into the ground, she placed a tender kiss on Rangiku’s cheek. “Isn’t my wifey so beautiful!”

An unamused Gin only responded with a coy smile. She knew he was excited too. After all, he really did have a lovely wife who would make the perfect mother.

The rest of the night was spent discussing baby names, how to decorate the nursery, if Hotaru would be the godmother (obviously). They discussed whose genes the baby would inherit, Gin and Hotaru both agreeing that it would be better to look like Rangiku, and conversely how cute it would be to have a baby with white hair and blue eyes.

Hotaru felt renewed after this visit with her friends. There really were better things in life; more important things. Contentedly, she looked around the room at her found family and smiled, exhaling all of her relief.

Chapter 5: Hits Different

Chapter Text

Winter had officially arrived with the first snow. The air was cold enough to burn your lungs, but there was something so magical about the first snow; the freshness, the sparkle, the look of awe on everyone’s faces when the first few flakes fall. Not to mention, the holiday spirit floating around in the air. It’s much different than Hotaru remembered as a kid—less warm and fuzzy and more expensive and stressful. The colder months came with shorter days and the shorter days brought a familiar ache of sadness every year.

The city was completely decorated, banners everywhere, pop-up hot chocolate shops, Santas and snowmen, blinking lights—it was beautiful. The air smelled clean and everything was so bright, offering a sense of newness. She wandered around, feeling the cold in her feet creep up her legs. The tip of her nose felt raw and she cupped her hands around her mouth and exhaled to warm up her face. The loneliness struck her as she glanced at her footprints in the snow behind her. She can’t quite put her finger on when it started, but over the past few months she noticed a pattern of isolation. Granted, this happened nearly every year, but something about this year made it sting just a little bit more.

She worked longer hours now, trying to distract herself—from what, she couldn’t quite admit. (In her head, she was completely over her little love affair.) She hadn’t had sex with anyone else and every time she thought about it, she wanted to puke, but still. She was thoroughly convinced she was over it.

Truthfully, she wasn’t. She hadn’t been over it to begin with. And there was a reason for her so-called ‘isolation’. She was unbearable. It all started with her sobbing fits at the bar, asking all of her friends what she could’ve done differently. The answer, as always (an answer she knew very well) was nothing. Weeks passed and she couldn’t accept that it was nothing. Could she have been more of a cool girl? More chill? Should she have continued to ignore that he was (obviously) f*cking other girls?

It was one of those nights where you wake up on accident; not because you had a bad dream or needed water, but somewhere in your subconscious is telling you to get up. She slowly opened her eyes, checking the time,

3:48 A.M.

Next was checking the bed, breathing a sigh of relief that he was still there, daring to touch the soft skin on his bare back. It was smooth and clear, dotted with faint little freckles, moving up and down with every breath. There was still a light stickiness of sweat from earlier that night. She smiled contentedly and closed her eyes, snuggling closer to him, inhaling the scent of his skin.

She woke again. This time it was 4:03 A.M. and she felt the bed shuffling. He sat up, gathering his things, putting his clothes back on.

“Where are you going?” Her hand reached for him but he subtly dodged it.

“I gotta head out. Things to do in the morning, babe.”

She watched him, a familiar ache settling in her stomach. The loneliness washed over her and she shot up in the bed, still reaching for him—pleadingwith him.

“Grimmjow, it’s too early. Please come back to bed.”

But he didn’t. He gathered his things, grunted a goodbye, and he was gone. Hotaru felt lost. She stayed like that for the rest of the night, a looming sickness in her belly, threatening to lurch forward and make her puke up everything she ate that day. She curled into his side of the bed, trying to soak up whatever scent he had left—trying to convince herself that she didn’t feel as empty as she did.

There were other times like that; suspicious things he did that she willingly ignored, hoping he had a good reason. Throughout the months, he left at strange hours more and more and Hotaru never seemed to get the message. Really though, there was no reason he couldn’tdo that. They were never dating. They never said it was anything exclusive. Hotaru knew that. Right?

Wedges were already forming in her friendships when they found out all of the red flags that she saw but never shared with them. The all too obvious hiding what was on his phone, the distinct smell of perfume on him that definitely did not belong to Hotaru, not allowing her to leave a trace at his apartment, insisting that they only sleep at her place because “it was closer”. She always knew—always noticed how strange they were, but refused to acknowledge it.

Eventually, she stopped crying at the bar. Seemingly catching on that her behavior was irritating her friends. She decided that crying at home couldn’t possibly bother anyone, although she secretly cursed her friends for “not being supportive.”

After the crying (public) was cured, she was tolerable again. She pretended she was fine, but proceeded to black out so hard that all she would talk about was him anyway. So they took turns walking her home, tucking her into bed, and cleaning up her puke. This got old quicker than the crying and when it became completely unbearable, Hotaru was no longer invited to the bar.

So what was there to do? She stopped going. She stayed home.

Of course, she still had friends, but she was turning into a version of herself that no one could quite recognize. She stared down at her feet where the flakes of snow dotted her boots and melted into the fabric. It had been months, she knew, but she still missed him; still achedfor him.

The air was thick in his car. Hot breaths threatening to fog up the windows, the sound of wet lips and panting, the smell of sex. Grimmjow pulled over on the side of the road in response to Hotaru brazenly rubbing his thigh. The passenger seat was pushed back as far as it could go with Grimmjow crouched in front of Hotaru, pushing her knees back as far as they could go as he dove into her puss* with a ferocious passion. He ate like he was starved—like he was in love with her. He gripped her thigh with one hand and used the other to plunge his fingers inside, rubbing his thumb gently on her cl*t. He poked and prodded at her puss* with his tongue, lapping up everything she would give him, groaning at the taste. He teasingly pulled his fingers out and rubbed up and down her labia, licking the fluid off with a wet pop, just to shove them back inside.

Hotaru was beyond cohesion—having already come twice in this same position—she felt pure bliss. Her eyes were dark and glazed over. Grimmjow was without a doubt a giver, coaxing just “one more” over and over until Hotaru was a f*cked out mess who just soaked the front seat of his car.

“I’m making a mess, Grimmjow.” She babbled, biting into her arm to keep quiet. She felt the smile spread across his lips that were still attached to her puss*. He groaned and placed a wet kiss on her cl*t.

“I know, baby. Make a mess for me.”

So she tried to move on, however it is that you do that. What do you do? Take up knitting? Start f*cking strangers again? Go to therapy? She groaned. It was never this hard to get over anyone before. Something had to give. But whatever it was refused to f*cking budge.

She felt a faint buzzing in her jacket pocket and pulled out her phone. It was Rangiku. She pulled her glove off with her free hand and answered.

“Hi.”

“Hey.” She paused. Even Rangiku felt a strain with Hotaru lately. “You okay?”

Hotaru was embarrassed that she was still dwelling on this. Too much time had passed where she answered that question honestly.

“Yeah.” Another long pause. She watched the condensation from her breath.“What’s up?”

“Well there’s this party that Gin and I were invited to and I think it would be fun if you came and kept me some company. It’s all these jackasses that I don’t know so I’ll be bored. It’s this Saturday if you’re interested.”

Rangiku and Gin had been living a very clean lifestyle as of late—trying to conceive a healthy baby and all. As a result of that, the three of them didn’t see each other nearly as much. That, and the frequent habit of canceling Hotaru had developed. She missed them.

“It’s not like, a work thing, right?” Hotaru’s voice was wavering and unsure. She was trying to say what she meant subtly: is he gonna be there?

“No! No, no, nothing like that. Just some of Gin’s boy friends. It’s gross, I know. Personally, I forget he even has friends who aren’t me.”

Hotaru smiled at the lilt in Rangiku’s voice. It was nice. A familiar warmth bloomed in her chest.

“Yeah, he is kind of the worst, huh?” She snorted. “But, uh, yeah. I’ll go!”

They arrived at the venue. Hotaru wore a sparkly red dress with sheer black tights and a simple pair of black boots. It was a very typical holiday event in a fancy venue rented out by one of Gin’s rich friends. There were chandeliers hanging from a coffered ceiling with beautifully detailed crown molding; she glanced up at the golden railings that were lined with twinkling lights for the holidays. The whole room was decorated beautifully with flowers and a Christmas tree that nearly reached the ceiling. There were already people here, drinking and laughing on the first and second floors. How did Gin know so many people? Quickly feeling self-conscious, Hotaru turned to Rangiku, holding steadfastly onto her arm.

“Rangiku, are you sure this isn’t a work event?” Her voice was hushed, almost a whisper. She felt tired already.

“Yes, don’t worry! It’s people he knows from college and stuff.” Rangiku paused, taking in the scenery, acknowledging just how many people were in attendance. She rested her head on Hotaru’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “I guess there’s a chance some people from work are here. Don’t worry though! I’ll protect you.”

The problem was Hotaru didn’t want to be protected.

They wandered around, mostly picking off of the huge spread that was catered. Hotaru limited herself to one drink, trying desperately to ebb her nerves. She tried to focus her attention on Rangiku, cherishing their time together. She felt bad that she had been so absent the last few months. They chatted about work, about how the pregnancy attempts were going, how they should get together and watch that movie that just came out. It was peaceful and she fought the urge to spend all night hugging her best friend. Why did she let so much time pass?

They decided to settle in a small corner, gossiping about the people around them—how silly most of the men looked and how tacky some of the music was. Throughout the night, Gin would come and check on them occasionally, bringing over friends that Rangiku had met (or hadn’t), trying to tend to her every need. Hotaru felt a twinge of jealousy rise up in her gut as she watched the interactions from an outside perspective. Why was there no one she had ever met?

Rangiku, as always, read her mind, and told Gin she was tired of meeting new people; half joking that he isn’t allowed to bring anyone else over. He obliged and playfully flicked Hotaru on the forehead before stepping away.

“Hotaru, we’ve both missed you a lot.” Rangiku never had any hinderance in her voice; she knew what she wanted to say and she said it confidently. Hotaru, however, was as insecure as ever, feeling a deep guilt welling up inside.

“I know. I’ve missed you guys too. I’m glad you invited me here.”

“It’s okay though. It’s okay that you’ve been struggling, because that’s just what happens.” Rangiku urged, resting her hand on Hotaru’s knee, earnestly searching for her eyes. “It’s normal. And you can’t help that we’ve both been in very different places these last few months. It’s been hard, I know. But we’ve both missed you and I’veespecially missed you.”

Hotaru met her eyes and smiled, tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks, she quickly dabbed them away before she had mascara lines running down her face.

“I really do love you more than anyone.”

The night ended unceremoniously. Gin offered to drive Hotaru home, but she insisted that she would take the train. Their house was in the opposite direction and Rangiku needed her beauty rest. They parted ways and Hotaru made her way to the train station.

It was busy even for a Saturday. Holiday music blasted through the sh*tty speakers only to be interrupted by the sound of the intercom every few minutes. Drunk people surrounded her, filling the air with laughter and shouting. She smiled to herself, trying not to look around too much until she saw something that made her stomach drop into her asshole.

Blue hair.

She couldn’t tear her eyes away from him, watching as he stared fixedly at his phone. He was dressed in nicer clothes then she had ever seen him in, a pair of black slacks, a white button down, and a stylish black coat. His hair looked a bit longer and she made sure to note the pack of cigarettes in his left pocket. Still smoking, naturally. She watched him, frozen in place, as the bodies moved around her. She felt herself moving in his direction. There was no time to think.

He pocketed his phone, his expression exactly the same. She wondered what he was looking at.

She kept walking toward him.

He met her eyes. His cheeks turned the faintest shade of pink. Anyone else wouldn’t be able to tell, but she saw his eyes widen just a tiny bit. She felt sick. What was the plan now? There was no thought behind her actions, but she couldn’t deny the magnetic pull he had on her.

She was in front of him.

“Grimmjow,” She breathed.

Somehow she was ready to put it all on the line for him again.

f*ck.

Chapter 6: He Only Loves Me When I'm All Alone

Chapter Text

It was stupid, what she was doing. There was no reason to ever speak to him again, not to mention that her friends would f*cking kill her if they saw what she was doing; what she was willing to do.

“What’s up?” She watched as his mouth shaped the words, but there was nothing processing in her head.

Now what was there to say? Do they just casually catch up? Does she ask him about work? There was always this embarrassing confusion that welled up when he was around. She stared at him blankly, so incredibly unsure how to handle this. What she really wanted was to skip to the good part where they reunite and he takes her home and makes love to her and in six months they get married, and then in a year they’d have a baby. She wanted him to get on his knees and tell her that he missed her more than she missed him, how stupid he was for letting her go. (How he was celibate for the last few months just like she was). However much she wanted that, she knew it was all fake. He would never dream to do any of that.

“Uh,” She picked at her fingers, now avoiding his gaze entirely. Panic flooded her brain and she felt herself short-circuit. “Well I—uh, just saw you from over there. And uh,” She knew he would be growing impatient at her lack of frankness.

“You look cute.” He stated matter-of-factly and Hotaru hesitantly met his eyes. It felt like he was looking inside of her. She felt a flush creep up her spine and felt secret relief that she saw him looking her best.

“Thank you.” Her voice was quiet and shy. “Rangiku and I just went to a party with Gin.”

“Oh?” He said, a lilt in his voice. “I thought about going to that.”

She wasn’t sure if it was better to see him here or at the party. If he was there, she would’ve had Rangiku to talk her off of the metaphorical ledge, but now—now, she wasn’t sure if anything could convince her to say no should the opportunity arise. There was a lingering question of what would he say if she asked? She had a nagging suspicion that he wouldn’t deny a quick f*ck but how far would that set her back? Thinking back to her conversation with Rangiku, she let out a small sigh.

“Sorry, Grimmjow. I don’t know why I came over here.” Something inside of her couldn’t tear her away from him. He stood so confidently. She wanted to touch him. The muffled intercom informed them that the next train in Hotaru’s direction would be arriving in 2 minutes. “Alright,” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll see you around then.”

This time he was putting everything into her hands. Either that or she was misreading the situation. He always felt impossible to understand; so bad at communicating, even worse at subtle hints. She sighed and turned away, mentally patting herself on the back for stepping away from him, knowing how proud her friends would be. Her train arrived and she went home, unlocking the door to a very empty apartment. Orihime had moved out about a month ago into her boyfriend’s place. “It was easier that way”. That always seemed to be what the people around her would say. So Hotaru sat alone just like she always did, feeling a buzz of energy coursing through her after seeing him.

Her dress was already discarded and she poured herself a glass of wine, standing in nothing but her underwear in the kitchen. She stared blankly at the sad little Christmas tree, watching as the lights flickered on the walls in the darkness. The heat was off and all she felt was the sting of her ice cold hands and feet on the wood floor. She downed the rest of her wine and hopped in the shower.

As the scalding water hit her skin, she considered her evening. Talking with Rangiku made her feel better, but now she was so f*cking confused. What could she do about the loneliness? Even if Grimmjow was with her, she would still feel awful after he left. The nights he didn’t stay over were awful and the nights he woke up and left were even worse. She felt unwanted, unsure, used, disgusting.

After getting out, she dried off, lazily applying her nightly skincare regiment, anxious to get into bed. She pulled on her pajamas and snuggled into bed with her phone. She was so cozy, in fact, that she nearly missed the unread message from a contact she never deleted.

Grimmjow: You still up?

Her stomach dropped into her ass. She knew she should ignore it; knew that she would be setting herself back a year’s worth of mental stability; knew that her friends would be fed up.

And yet, she watched as her fingers typed out:

Come to mine.

Grimmjow was there in less than 10 minutes, still dressed in the same clothes. Hotaru opened the door and he lifted her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. He inhaled into her neck, breathing in the smell of her soap and groaned with pleasure. He would never tell her, but he did miss her—he wasn’t lying when he told her no other puss* was this good. All too aware of the risk of seeing her—of f*cking her—he couldn’t deny how much he wanted her after seeing her at the train station. Her little red dress that matched with the red lipstick, f*ck. He was slightly disappointed that she changed, but it was all the same underneath anyway.

Not a single word was spoken after Grimmjow closed the door behind him. They were both quick to shed their clothes, quick to Hotaru’s bedroom. There were no insecurities, only red-hot want for one another. Hotaru felt like this was proof they were soulmates. To Grimmjow, it was merely an indication that Hotaru was really good in bed.

He couldn’t quite decide what he wanted first, raking his eyes over her whole body. Her head was already tossed back, legs spread, whining for him to touch her. He leaned in for a deep kiss—deeper than he intended. She groaned into his mouth, lacing her hands through his hair, relishing how soft and thick it was. The cologne he wore made her skin tingle. He smelled so manly. She wanted to stay like this forever—taking in his taste, his smell. Pulling away from her lips, Grimmjow latched his lips onto her breast. He held her gaze as he kissed down her body until he met her throbbing c*nt. He placed a chaste kiss on her labia before diving in completely. His pinned her legs down as his tongue traced up and down her slit, taking extra care to add pressure to her swollen cl*t.

He felt his co*ck harden with every expression on Hotaru’s face, soaking in the sound of her moans. She came quickly—maybe even a record time. A slight guilt built up in Hotaru’s stomach as she came down, but Grimmjow was quick to stand up, beckoning her to suck his dick. A useful distraction indeed.

Her fingers shook as she wrapped them around the base, taking time to make a trail along the veins with her other hand. He was beautiful.

“Stick out your tongue.” He said, voice low, speaking the first words of the evening.

She did and he rewarded her with shoving himself as far down her throat as possible. She moaned around him, sending a chill up his spine. The drool was pooling around the edges of her mouth and he thrusted faster, harder. He groaned and laced his fingers in her hair, tossing his head back. It was degrading, but Hotaru liked that. At least, she thought so. With a long groan and a final thrust, Grimmjow spilled into her mouth, rocking his hips back and forth slowly as if to milk every last drop. He slowly pulled out, making sure Hotaru cleaned off every last bit.

Her head was still spinning from her own org*sm, and yet everything harshly snapped back to reality as she watched him pull his pants up. What the f*ck is happening? His shirt was on next. Then his jacket.

He turned and made for the door.

“What?” Her voice was sharp, biting. “What the f*ck are you doing?”

He barked a laugh. “I’m leaving.” Glancing over his shoulder, he met her eyes. “We’re done here.” Hotaru pulled the sheet up to cover her naked body.

She faltered. This felt too familiar. She couldn’t do this again. She couldn’t f*cking do this again.

“What if,” Her voice was small. He turned all the way around. Her throat was so f*cking dry.

“What if,” She tried again. This was nonsensical. She was being an idiot. He raised his eyebrows.

“What if I’m okay with it?” She squeaked. Now she’d f*cking done it. “What if I’m okay with you seeing other people? And I can even see other people too?”

He wasn’t sure if he could believe her, not that it mattered either way. As long as she wasn’t nagging him about where he put his dick, he didn’t care what she did.

“Yeah, whatever. I’m still leaving though.”

And he did.

Hotaru felt sick.

Hotaru sat contemplatively in her bed. She’d finally won, but now the issue was convincing herself that she was okay with it. It was f*cking frustrating, going in circles like this. She hated herself for it, but there was always something that was refusing to let him go.

She thought about him coming over that night and just how quick it always felt. There was almost no time to reflect on what had just happened. Even when he stayed over; even when they silently stared at the ceiling together; even when they f*cked twice a day for three days straight, it somehow always felt too fast. He was indigestible.

With much difficulty, she reached for her phone and texted Rangiku. It was a short text:

I f*cked Grimmjow tonight. I think we’re going for a situationship sort of thing. Please don’t be mad.

But Rangikuwasmad. Almost immediately, Hotaru’s phone lit up with a call from her dear friend. Hotaru did notexpect her to be up at this hour.

“What the f*ckare you thinking, Hotaru? After months of agony, this is what you decide to do?” Her tone was surprisingly not harsh but rather disciplinary. “And what do you mean by ‘situationship’? That’s what it’s always f*cking been!”

Hotaru stayed silent. As usual, she was right. It was Hotaru who couldn’t handle the way Grimmjow went about relationships. She sat quietly feeling idiotic.

“Look, I’m glad you told me, but don’t you dare think that I am okay with this. He is a cruel f*cking jackass with no regard for your feelings. Just because he has a big dick doesn’t make him a f*cking god.”

“I know, Rangiku. But I think this time around I can distract myself with other people. So like, he doesn’t feel pressured…by me?” Her voice trailed off as she realized how stupid she sounded. It was stupid. She knew that.

“I know it’s dumb but,” She heard Rangiku sigh. “But, I think I can really handle it this time. I might even have fun messing around—”

Rangiku knew her better than that and Hotaru knew that. Hotaru was not one to ‘mess around’ when her sights were set on someone, especially Grimmjow.

“Okay,” Hotaru conceded, “I just saw him tonight at the train station and he texted me after—I was being so strong! I even told him goodbye, but he texted me and…” She felt tears welling up in her eyes. “And after we finished he was trying to leave and I was so desperate to get him to stay—” Her words were wet now, muffled by tears.

“Hotaru, baby,” Rangiku’s voice turned soft and soothing, “I know. I know you want to be with him. He gave you a chance and you took it. I get it. Just—” She took a long beat, wondering which piece of advice to give in this tense situation. “Just pleasedo not let him consume you again. You cannot fall back into where you were and I know you know that.”

Hotaru sobbed quietly. She tried to form the words she wanted. Tried to say, ‘I promise I won’t let it get that bad again.’ But all she could say was, “O-okay. I love you. Thank you so much.”

“I love you too. Call me tomorrow.”

Hotaru slept soundly that night with a clear conscience, knowing that Rangiku had her back. How long could she really last doing this with Grimmjow? After all, Rangiku was right. She absolutely could not let him consume her again. It was so f*cking easy to let him though.

That afternoon, she met Rangiku for lunch. Things felt right again. Even with the snow and the clouds, she felt warm with her friend. More than that, she felt comfort knowing that she had Grimmjow in her back pocket—at least for now.

Hotaru fiddled with her phone as Rangiku excused herself to go to the bathroom, feeling awkward sitting all alone. As if fate stepped in, she raised her eyes in time to meet a familiar pair of grey eyes and a face adorned with unfamiliar tattoos; a face that she hadn’t seen since college.

“Shuhei?”

Chapter 7: Question

Chapter Text

“Hotaru?”

His voice was the same as she remembered, deep and soft at the same time. The tattoos were new. A “69” on his cheek and a light blue band across the left side of his face, crossing over his nose. He also had three vertical lines going down the right side of his face. He certainly looked older, more mature. Still handsome. She glanced at his signature choker around his neck which still suited him perfectly.

“How are you?” She said feeling her face heating up, a wave of memories flooding her mind. It had been almost 3 years since she saw him. Right after they graduated from undergrad. He went on to do his own thing and Hotaru went on to pursue her Master’s. They hadn’t interacted since.

“Good. I decided to move back here about 6 months ago.” He paused, meeting her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting to see you.” She examined him closely as he fidgeted with his hair, which was shockingly much shorter now. He wore loose cargo pants with a loose fitting t-shirt and a collared work coat—she couldn’t deny that he was still stylish.

Right on cue, Rangiku returned from the bathroom, bee lining to Hotaru when she saw what was happening. “Shuhei!” She called out before taking a seat. “Wow, I never expected to see you around again!” Now it was Shuhei’s turn to blush. He always had a thing for Rangiku after all, even if Hotaru was the one he dated.

“H-hey, I wasn’t expecting to see you. How are you? How’s Gin?” He said the last part quietly.

“Oh, we’re fantastic. Actually in the middle of trying for a baby!” She paused, examining him. “Those tattoos are new, aren’t they? They suit him, don’t you think Hotaru?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess.” She was visibly uncomfortable. Shuhei stood still for another few moments, unsure of what to do, eventually deciding on taking his leave. “It was nice to see you two. Maybe we can catch up sometime.”

Hotaru smiled. “Yeah, for sure!”

She wouldn’t count on seeing him again.

December was nearing its end and Christmas was rapidly approaching. Gin and Rangiku were having the annual Christmas party on the 23rd, which was in two days. Hotaru, of course, was going. Now it was a matter of convincing Grimmjow to come with her.

They were in his bed, still coming down from their euphoric high when she proposed the question, hoping that he’d be in a good mood. It was a Wednesday night and as if it was magic, Grimmjowasked Hotaru to meet him at his place. Naturally, she dropped everything she was doing to be there and they assumed their usual routine. She leaned onto him, stroking his chest with featherlight fingers so as not to disturb him. “So, uh, Gin told me he invited you to their Christmas party.”

He smelled like sweat and his cologne. She never got tired of how much of a man he was in every sense. “Yeah, what about it?”

Mustering up some courage she met his eyes. “What if we went together?” His body stiffened and she knew she had very little time to get out what she needed to say. “But, it’s just like…casual. Like no one has to know that we’re together. You’re there as a friend of Gin and I’m there as a friend of both of them. Super simple.”

She studied his face, trying to read any sort of emotion. There wasn’t much to be found, unfortunately. He wasn’t exactly stoic, but he did always look like he had a stick up his ass when she spoke to him. “It’s super casual, Grimmjow. I promise I will not even acknowledge you.”

That last part had just slipped out. She didn’t mean to promise him that, especially when the first request was them going together. But now it was a promise of “I'llsee you there and maybe if I’m not being annoying, you’ll make eye contact with meor if I’m being really cute, you’ll brush my hand.” Hotaru felt so f*cking silly. She wanted to restart and insist that they go together and that was the end of it.

Finally, he spoke. “Sure. I was planning on going anyway.” Hotaru couldn’t help but respond with a sh*t eating grin. She wanted to giggle and kick her feet. “Okay, okay. I promise I will be on my best behavior.”

Now that things were back to “normal” with Grimmjow, Hotaru wasn’t sure what boundaries she should try to set with him—not that she wanted to set any; she knew he could do whatever he wanted to her, but there was always a lingering question of how much she could push him. There was honestly no telling with him, so she pushed it either way.

With a big stretch, he rolled off the bed, making his way to the bathroom as was the usual tradition. Hotaru watched him with heart eyes, still not used to the expansive set of muscles on his body.

“I’ve got somewhere to go tonight.” He said from the bathroom. Hotaru’s face burned. “Oh.” She managed to squeak. “I’ll uh,”

Quickly, she dressed and made her way to the door. “I’ll head out. See you Friday?”

“Yeah.”

The party was held at the Ichimaru household. Naturally, Hotaru arrived that morning to help set up, opting to get ready at their house. Thank god she had the day off because it was hours of work and the party started at 8:00 P.M. Hotaru spent the morning battling retail stores trying to pick up various things that were missed or forgotten, putting out fires, et cetera. Gin busied himself with cooking, and Rangiku assumed the rightful role of delegating. With Rangiku in charge, there was no cutting corners and Hotaru did not intend to let her down.

Tinsel and lights sparkled all throughout their house, mistletoe was hung from the archway between the kitchen and living room, stockings hung over the fireplace (of course, Hotaru was the only friend with her own), and the most time consuming was the decorating of the bannister on the stairs. It looked beautiful when everything was in place, leaving them just enough time to get ready. Gin wore navy blue slacks with a cream sweater, most noteworthy was the apron that said “Santa’s favorite helper”. Hotaru and Rangiku wore matching velvet dresses, (one green, one red) with elf hats and tights.

The yearly party started when they were all freshmen in college when the main goal was getting absolutely trashed. Back then, they wore ugly sweaters and drank cheap rum. It had turned into something of a tradition over the years.

It was 8:00 and guests started shuffling in, each carrying a bottle of wine or some sort of sweet (cookies, brownies, pies, et cetera). Hotaru smiled, greeting everyone with Rangiku, checking each car outside, looking for the signature blue hair. She mingled, trying her best to keep her composure while she waited. She found herself mostly hovering near Gin in the kitchen while Rangiku laughed with everyone. She spoke to people as they came in and out of the kitchen. Orihime and her boyfriend came in and she gathered her into a big hug, telling her how much she missed her presence. Yoruichi joined, entering to refill her eggnog and brandy mixture. Her and Soi Fon wore matching sweaters that said “Don we now our GAY apparel”—and according to Soi Fon, it was “entirely on accident”. Yoruichi reached up and hooked an arm around Hotaru’s shoulder, her cheeks were a dark shade of pink and her breath already strong with alcohol.

“What’s going on, kid? I haven’t seen you around much since that jackass broke your heart!” She slurred, the alcohol bringing out the honesty. Hotaru’s face warmed up and she offered a shy smile. “Uh, you know—heart break is pretty cringe, huh?”

Yoruichi placed a wet kiss on Hotaru’s cheek and winked. “Don’t worry! I’ll always be here if you’re lonely.”

She barked a laugh and made her exit, ignoring Gin, and taking extra care to remember her mixed drink. Yoruichi was always a flirt and Hotaru couldn’t help but giggle imagining Soi Fon’s jealous reaction if she were to witness that display of affection.

It had been awhile since Hotaru had seen her friends after everything that happened. It was a relief to see that most of them didn’t take it personally. She quickly downed another drink and leaned against the counter.

“I say you forget about him and date her.” Gin said with a sly smile. He really was such a sh*t.

“I think I’d rather date Rangiku, but she somehow got Stockholm syndrome from the man who’s holding her hostage.” She retorted, holding up her middle finger.

“Do you think he’s coming?” She said absentmindedly as she picked at the charcuterie spread. Gin gave her a disappointed look and instead busied himself with restocking the food. She huffed and made her way back into the crowd, finding Rangiku again. Of course, she was surrounded. Everyone loved her, and for good reason. She caught sight of Hotaru and immediately beamed.

“Hey! Where have you been?”

“I was in the kitchen with Gin. He was ignoring me, so I decided to join the fun crowd.” Hotaru said with a laugh. She smiled as she looked around, happy to be in a safe space with all her friends. There were a few that she had never met, and a few she recognized from Gin’s work party; the Ichimaru’s truly were a popular couple, loved by all. Hotaru basically clung to Rangiku like a little kid as she talked to everyone, desperately needing some kind of buffer during all this socializing.

They approached Rukia and Renji who were giggling and whispering something to each other. They also wore matching sweaters with hearts all over—one that said “Santa, it was him” with a right arrow and “Santa it was her” with a left arrow. They later learned that the two were taking bets on how long it would take before Orihime and her boyfriend would notice that they were under the mistletoe. Renji won the bet, saying it would take another five minutes and it was hard not to giggle at how red they both turned before they shared a chaste kiss.

Then it was time to approach Nanao and Nemu, who were standing next to each other in silence, each with a glass of red wine in hand. The two of them wore jeans and a black top.

“How’s the baby making going?” Nanao asked bluntly. She really was a kind person, but she came off in a way that was not the easiest to warm up to. After all, Nanao and Nemu were the only ones from college who went on to pursue their doctorates—they were always very serious ladies.

“It’s slow.” Rangiku answered honestly. It had been months since Rangiku shared the news that her and Gin were trying. “It’s hard to be patient, but I’m almost grateful for the extra time.” There was no sadness in her voice, and Hotaru smiled lovingly at her. Honesty came easily to Rangiku. It was something that Hotaru admired the most about her.

Nanao and Nemu nodded with understanding. “It’s truly only a matter of time. You and Gin have always been insatiable.” Nanao said with a wry smile. Hotaru and Rangiku tossed their head back in laughter. Nanao had been their roommate their first two years of college—she was well aware of the nature of the Ichimaru couple.

The four of them talked (really, the three of them—Nemu wasn’t much of a talker) for awhile longer and Hotaru felt actually, truly good. She had a warm buzz from the alcohol and the fireplace and being with her friends brought more warmth in her belly than any of it. Well, all but one tiny thing.

One tiny thing that walked through the door hourslate, with a bottle of expensive brandy in hand. His cheeks were flushed pink with snow dotting all over his thick jacket and hair. It was positively ethereal.

Oh.

There was a girl trailing behind him; clingingto him. A young girl, probably 20 or 21. It seemed low, even for Grimmjow.

Everything was moving in slow motion—she watched as he walked through the door and greeted those who he knew as they both shed their jackets. He was smiling. Like, reallysmiling. He was dressed like he had just come from work. The girl behind him was cute; she was small with long black hair and purple eyes. She was dressed nearly the same as Hotaru—short velvet dress with tights.

Finally, she remembered to look over at Rangiku. Her eyes bore through Hotaru’s head with a terrified look. “Don’t.” She mouthed. And Hotaru obeyed. In fact, she shrunk.

As if her legs were moving for her, she ran into the bathroom and threw up. What the f*ck was he doing here with a f*cking kid? Well, a legal kid. She glanced up at herself in the mirror, tears streamed down her face. He had to know what he’s doing to her. And for what? To prove a point? No. This was just how he was. She agreed to this. She promised Rangiku she would be on her best behavior.

She wiped the tears from her face, rubbing cold water on the back of her neck, dried herself off, and made her jolly way back to the party. If anyone asked, she was flushed from the alcohol. Luckily, none of her other friends really knew what Grimmjow looked like; they only knew some random guy broke her heart.

Hotaru spotted Rangiku and made a bee line to her, immediately grabbing her arm. She was still standing with Nemu and Nanao. “Hey,” she breathed.

“You okay?” She replied, not needing to look at Hotaru to know she was crying.

“Yeah. I’m good.” She squeezed a little tighter and forced a smile. “I will be good. He’s just…being himself. When I invited him, I promised him he didn’t have to speak to me, but I didn’t think he’d go this far. Like I expected him to flirt with a few of my friends in front of me and he’d f*ck me later to ease the pain, but this? Wasn’t on my bingo card.”

Rangiku laughed. “Yeah, he’s a sh*t head for this, but you’re right. And don’t worry, he went to the kitchen with Gin.”

“That’s the guy?” Nanao asked, unimpressed. “Who’s that with him? His daughter?” She snorted, but then her face betrayed serious concern when Hotaru only responded with a frown.

“Oh.” She turned to Rangiku. “So why’d he get invited?”

Rangiku and Hotaru shared a deep sigh. “Hotaru invited him.” She raised her eyebrows expectantly and Hotaru finished her sentence, “He and I have a sort of ‘open relationship’ thing going.” She felt herself physically cringe at her words and frowned again. “He’s really not that bad, okay? And he’s got a great dick.” She reasoned.

“Is that why you immediately ran away and threw up and cried?” Nanao asked, still unimpressed. She chewed the inside of her cheek and said the next words very carefully, “Hotaru, you have a bad habit of attaching yourself to men who never cared for you.”

The words didn’t sting as much in the moment as they would later. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the warmth of female friendship, but Hotaru took it well. She even smiled and nodded. She knew. Enjoying torturing herself was nothing new for Hotaru. Still, she was too stunned to speak.

Rangiku responded for her. “She really does. Unfortunately, she is well aware of that and still chooses pain. Speaking of which, guess who we saw at lunch the other day?” Nanao raised her eyebrows. “f*cking Shuhei.”

“We should’ve invited both of them and had them fight over who can hurt her more.” Nemu said, finally breaking her silence. Hotaru barked a laugh, tossing her head back.

“Nemu, you are a genius. However, I think I would keel over if the two of them were ever in the same room.” Hotaru sighed, feeling too clear headed suddenly. “On that note, I think it’s time for another drink.”

“Let me come with you. You are not going in there by yourself.” Rangiku offered.

Hotaru had never seen Grimmjow in this type of tame setting. It honestly didn’t suit him. There were only three of them in there at the time. The first thing she saw was his back—his and the girl’s. She was a lot smaller than Hotaru. It felt gross to see him with someone like that. They were talking idly to Gin. How he still managed to busy himself in here was astounding to Hotaru. She watched as Gin’s eyes found Rangiku and he smiled.

“Can I get you something?”

Rangiku eyed Gin carefully. It was too late though. Grimmjow and his girl turned back and saw both of them standing there like a deer in headlights. Well, at least Hotaru was. She didn’t have time to look over at Rangiku.

“Yes, my dear. We just needed a drink for Hotaru.” She said far too sweetly, shooting daggers at Gin for not reading her mind.

Hotaru stared at Grimmjow, feeling all blood drained from her face. Naturally, he didn’t give a flying f*ck that she was here. His girl looked annoyed at Hotaru’s presence.

“Hey.” Hotaru said quietly, hands shaking. Somehow she saw her finger raising to point at the girl. “You never told me you were bringing her.”

“Huh?” The young girl said, voice whiny. “Who is this, Grimmjow?”

“Mind your f*cking business.” He said to her, but he was looking at Hotaru. Maybe he was talking to both of them, actually.

Rangiku and Gin also froze. What was happening? Hotaru was confronting Grimmjow here? In their kitchen? At the Christmas party? Hotaru was drunk and acting very out of character. Gin seemed thrilled at the drama of it all. Rangiku was actually kind of proud?

“And why do I need to tell you who I’m bringing?” Grimmjow said, still looking at Hotaru. He genuinely looked excited at the prospect of an argument unfolding. This was awful. Why the f*ck was she doing this? If this got out of hand, it would be humiliating. This was Gin and Rangiku’s house.

“I guess you don’t. We never agreed to that.” She paused and chewed on her lip, shrugging. “But, this is my friend’s Christmas party. Don’t you think it’s kind of weird to bring a plus one when I’m the one who invited you?” She studied his expression carefully, taking a second to glance at the still unnamed girl who looked way more confused than any of them. Shockingly, she stayed quiet. “It’s totally fine though! I’m not mad or anything.” She grinned at him playfully, raising her hands in defeat, praying he wouldn’t see how they were trembling. “Just thought it was kind of strange.”

Hotaru smiled at Gin before Grimmjow could respond, “Can I have that drink now?”

Her and Rangiku rejoined the party, making their way back to Nemu and Nanao who both raised their eyebrows at the thrilled expressions coming from Hotaru and Rangiku.

“What happened?” Nanao asked casually.

“Hotaru ripped him a new one.” She paused contemplatively. “Well, in her own special way.”

The girls laughed it off, choosing to enjoy their night and not letting him ruin it. Hotaru had never been happier; had never felt more supported than in this moment. f*ck Grimmjow for that.

As time passed, everyone seemed to relax in the living room, still talking amongst themselves. There was a Christmas movie on that no one was really paying attention to. Some people had already filtered out considering how late it was getting. Gin also joined, taking a seat next to Rangiku, giving her thigh a gentle squeeze and a look that said ‘I can’t wait to gossip about this later’.

For some ungodly reason, Grimmjow opted to sit next to Hotaru, leaving his date to fend for herself. She sat on the floor in front of him. It was all so weird and Hotaru once again felt a fire shoot up to her ears. Nanao, Nemu, Rangiku, and Orihime all gave her a concerned look and her eyes pleaded with them.

“What the f*ck are you doing?” She said to Grimmjow through her teeth, not daring to meet his gaze, pretending to watch the movie.

“I can’t sit next to you?” He said, too softly for anyone around to hear. There was no mistaking that he was talking to her and at that point, all of her friends looked away.

“I didn’t expect you to look at me tonight, let alone share the same couch as me.” She hissed, feeling sweat build up in her palms. His hand brushed her thigh subtly; too subtly for anyone to really notice.

“I’m full of surprises, aren’t I?”

“And what about your date?” She still didn’t look at him, eyeing everyone around her, making sure no one was catching on to his bullsh*t antics. Fortunately, they all seemed caught up in their own conversations.

“What about her?” His pointer finger and thumb played with the hem of her dress and she froze in place.

Finally, she met his gaze. “What the f*ck are you doing? There is a girl that you brought here and you’re behaving like this?” Her voice was still soft and steady, but her eyes were fiery.

Grimmjow, however, liked this side of Hotaru. If she had shrunk back all night, he probably would’ve ignored her just like she thought he would. He would’ve played her game and made her feel small and worthless, but this? This side of her was too hot to ignore. So he did what he did best—lure her back in.

His lips were on hers. Hot and wanting and passionate, his teeth bumping hers, tugging on her lips; his hand moving to grab her hair. She found herself reciprocating although it was no surprise. The alcohol never helped her behave, so she pretended like no one was watching still; like her and Grimmjow were secluded in a dark corner where no one could see.

That was incorrect.

“What the f*ck?” His girl said and Hotaru pulled back immediately.

“What the f*ck, Grimmjow?” Hotaru echoed, but his smile was carnivorous. His cheeks were pink and his lips were red and puffy—she was sure she was in a similar state. Hotaru looked around at everyone and felt all the blood drain from her face. f*ck. Everyone was looking at them. She even heard Gin giggle and Rangiku’s jaw looked like it was on the floor.

“You have to go.” She said quietly to Grimmjow. “Take your kid.”

“No.” He smiled, his voice was not a whisper anymore. “I’ll take you though.”

Hotaru was not always a good person. She had hurt people in the past, just like anyone else. She was far from perfect, and she hated herself for it. She was weak minded with codependency issues. She thought she loved any man who gave her a second thought.

All of these were reasons why she nodded at him, not even daring to look at his girl, and said, “Okay. Take me home.”

Chapter 8: My Man

Chapter Text

Hotaru tried to feel bad for the young girl who stormed out of the house with a fiery anger, taking extra care to tell Grimmjow she’ll just take a cab home so “try not to worry.” That last part made Hotaru stifle a laugh. Grimmjow really was a such a dickhe*d, but in this moment he belonged only to her.

After very little discussion, Hotaru waved her friends goodbye, swallowing the embarrassment that welled up inside, and hoped that everyone was too drunk to care about what just transpired. She sat comfortably in his passenger seat, holding her head up high. Hotaru was no stranger to Grimmjow’s car, sinful memories flooding her brain.

His kiss felt like a hit of adrenaline and it was still coursing through her veins. After they drove off, her hand was immediately rubbing his thigh. He made no effort to stop her, instead he groaned quietly and tossed his head back.

“Careful, you don’t want me pulling us over and f*cking you on the side of the road, do you?” He glanced at her quickly, easing his foot into the gas petal as he noticed hard nipples showing through her dress.

“As tempting as that sounds, I think I’d rather enjoy you to the fullest.”

She was quickly catching on to his attraction for her bolder side and she wanted to milk it for all she could. So she kept rubbing his thigh, carefully dodging the very thick bulge in his pants just to tease him.

“Keep teasing me and I’m gonna make you regret it.”

She tutted, now tracing the outline of his dick with her finger. “Grimmjow,” She whined teasingly, sticking out her bottom lip, “You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?”

This side of Hotaru was new even to Grimmjow. She had never exhibited any sort of confidence in bed—or any at all, really. Honestly, he didn’t mind. He’d rather leave her a f*cked out babbling mess beneath him, but something about this development made him curious. He wanted to see how far she would push; how far he would let her push.

They pulled up to her apartment and Hotaru felt the weight of the situation. She had been teasing Grimmjow, and not only that, but there was something primal in him that made him kiss her in front of people he knew. They shared a glance before they got out of the car and he flashed her his signature grin.

There was a split second in between Hotaru closing the door behind her and squeaked as Grimmjow picked her up and hoisted her over his shoulder. “I’ve waited long enough, babygirl.” Guiding them to her bedroom, he tossed her on the bed and tossed his shirt off. “Strip.” He demanded.

Hotaru climbed onto her knees, crossing her arms behind her back to unzip her dress shimmying it up over her head and tossing it on the floor. She watched Grimmjow take her body in. Under her dress was a lingerie set she bought especially for this night—a black lacy bodysuit that held her breasts up with nothing but an underwire and a very thin strip of lace.

Following his gaze to her breasts, she placed her hands on her stomach, moving them slowly up her chest, arching her back as she tugged at her nipples through the thin fabric. It felt good. The thought of him watching her touch herself lit a fire that she wanted to fan. “Grimmjow,” She moaned breathily, keeping one hand on her breast and sliding the other one down to her puss*. She kept her eyes on him, rubbing circles over the fine lace.

“Come take the rest off.” She ordered, extending her hand. Grimmjow quickly ditched his pants leaving him clad in his black boxer briefs and joined Hotaru on the bed, pinning her down instantly. Hotaru landed on her back with a huff, staring longingly up at Grimmjow.

“Think you can boss me around?” He growled into her ear, grinding his clothed co*ck against her. “Think you can put on a show and get away with it?” He was not gentle as he peeled off the remainder of her clothes, tugging at the fabric and chucking it across the room followed by his last piece of clothing. He sat up and palmed his co*ck, looking at the spectacle beneath him, a woman who wanted him—who worshipped him—waiting to be demolished by him. He felt something in his chest akin to pride as he bent over to tenderly kiss her neck, brushing his aching co*ck against her puss* just close enough for her to feel it.

In that moment, Hotaru knew Grimmjow was hers and hers alone. There was a fire in his eyes that she had never seen before and she relished in it. He wouldn’t be thinking of anyone else because right here, right now, his dick was leading him to one woman. She writhed and moaned under his weight, under his hot kisses. He was already sticky with perspiration and Hotaru breathed it in like it was the last bit of oxygen she’d ever have. He was her everything—her motivation to start every day; her security, false or not; her light at the end of the tunnel. She loved every piece of him, toxic and sh*tty or not.

“Tell me you want it.” His voice in her ear was hoarse. She moaned and clenched her thighs, unable to comprehend any of what he was saying. He bit her neck hard. “f*cking tell me.”

“Grimmjow, please.”

Her head was swimming. Every thought, every feeling—everything was ablaze between her legs. Her only thought was him. In moments like these she felt relief. This was the time where it was okay to want his attention and show him that she worshipped him.

“Please, please, please—Grimmjow, f*ck.” She begged, wrapping her legs around his torso, pulling him close. Her voice was reduced to nothing but a whine as she begged him. She hadn’t noticed that he’d put on a condom and thank god he did because he was ramming his co*ck into her, sucking on her neck, lacing her fingers with his all at the same time. She felt him everywhere and she wondered if this is how lovers felt.

His pace was ungodly and his thrusts were long and hard. He pulled out just enough so she could feel the head of his co*ck pop out before slamming back inside. She felt absolutely feral, clawing at his back like a cat, digging her heels into his back, then clutching at his hair.

She felt the familiar tugging in her abdomen. Completely lost in the sensation of his thick co*ck pounding into her, all she could manage was moan “more, please, f*ck, more.” And he obliged. She lifted her hips to meet with each thrust, feeling his dick sink deeper and deeper until she was crying out and kicking her legs.

“Come for me.” Grimmjow said breathlessly in her ear and she was gone. It was all lost in the screaming moans and the feeling of him being both inside of her and present with her.

“Yes baby, yes baby, yes baby.” She moaned, biting into his shoulder—she could feel his heartbeat.

Grimmjow was not a kind lover. Before she could recuperate, he pulled out and sunk two fingers inside of her.

“Before I continue f*cking you, you’re gonna come one more time on my fingers and another on my co*ck. How’s that sound?”

Hotaru whined and kicked her feet petulantly, holding onto Grimmjow’s wrist for dear life. She was so sensitive after that, she wasn’t sure if she could make it.

“Please, baby, be nice to me.” She moaned, but he kissed her mouth instead, moving his lips up her neck and biting down, holding himself up with his other arm.

“I f*cking warned you.” She clamped down on his fingers at the sound of his voice—at the feel of his breath on her neck, letting out a raspy moan.

“Oh?” He said in her ear, voice dangerously low. “I always forget how sensitive your ears are.” She writhed again as he slowed down to a torturous pace, fingers moving in slow circles around the entrance of her puss* and moving up, just grazing her cl*t. “You are so wet for me. You’re so f*cking needy and it’s just for me, isn’t it? I love how much you worship me.” Hotaru cried out, clamping down as hard as she could.

“Grimmjow, please give me something. Anything. You’re f*cking killing me.” Her voice was guttural, nothing but a gravelly whine. Tears formed in her eyes as she gripped his wrist in vain.

“I love when you beg.” She could hear the smile across his lips as he obliged her, sinking three fingers back inside of her, pumping with a rapacious speed, thumb rubbing circles on her cl*t as he sent her over. “Come. Again.”

He moved so he could meet her eyes, watching her as she unraveled by his doing. She looked divine, sprawled out beneath him—her eyes were blown out, chest heaving, thighs trembling—not an ounce of insecurity and it looked beautiful on her. He removed his fingers from her as she came down, cleaning them off with his mouth and he placed a chaste kiss on her belly.

Hotaru felt like the world was finally right.

“Get on top.” He said with a grin.

Hotaru felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her. In all the time they’ve been together, she rarely got on top. Of course, she liked it, but it was a new angle that Grimmjow didn’t usually see. She let out a shaky sigh and obeyed, bracing herself on his chest as she swung her leg to straddle his waist.

“You don’t usually ask for me to be on top.” Her voice was quiet and shy as she averted his intense gaze. He looked f*cking godly underneath her and she completely understood why he typically insisted to do all the work. She had a bird’s eye view of his pleasure along with total control of his dick.

“And what about it?” His fingers lingered on her stomach, tracing the lines. Finally, he grabbed her hips, lining her up and readying her to sink down. “I want to see you f*ck me.”

“Grimmjow,” She whined, feeling the immediate stretch of his thick co*ck inside of her. The pleasure was so immense that she could barely move, only bearing her weight down on him. But she had to move. Her hips rocked back and forth, grinding down as much as she could in attempt to rub her cl*t against his pelvis. Their eyes met and Hotaru moaned. He was so beautiful; all sweaty and red; hair sticking to his forehead; pupils blown out. It felt so good she could sob.

He watched her intently, studying her face and the shape of her body as she rocked against him, waves of pleasure rolling over him. He held tightly to her waist, arching his back, thrusting up as he sunk his head into the pillow. They both groaned lowly.

“You like that, huh?” Hotaru growled, leaning into his ear and nipping at the lobe. His hands gripped her hips harder.

“Shut the f*ck uh—“ Hotaru gripped him tightly, cutting him off.

“Do I feel that good?” She let out an airy laugh, tossing her head back. “You look so perfect right now, Grimmjow. I wish I could f*ck you like this all the time, but you’re so obsessed with being in control.” He thrusted up into her especially rough. “f*cking hell you feel so good. So f*cking big.” She groaned through gritted teeth.

She found a perfect rhythm, lifting her hips, rolling them, and grinding back down onto his co*ck. They were both reduced to nothing but pleasure, all moaning and sweat and the thick, wet noises that come with sex.

“Grimmjow,” Hotaru cried, her hips getting faster and sloppier. She was close. She’d been close but she selfishly did not want this to end. They were so captivated by each other in this moment she she felt so in love.

“I know, baby. Me too.” He grunted, pawing at her breasts.

“You’re mine, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. You’re f*cking mine.” She was incoherent, delirious. “f*ck, I’m coming. Come with me, please baby.”

And he did. It was a loud, absolutely disgusting climax for both of them. They were heaving, sweaty, and leaking on her bed. Hotaru already knew she would be feeling this one for a few days.

“That was amazing.” She said breathlessly, letting the afterglow wash away all her anxieties.

“Yeah it was good.”

Oh. He’s back to normal.

“So, uh, are you…?” The haze was fading and the insecurity was quickly returning. He sat up, stretching his limbs.

“Nah, I think I’m gonna head out.”

“Oh,” She sat up too, already feeling the emptiness. “That’s okay.”

He scoffed and said nothing as he started to dress. Hotaru watched him like she always did, silently pleading with him to change his mind and jump back into her bed like the first time they spent the night together. She felt a lump forming in her throat.

“I want you to stay.” She whimpered, eyes on the floor.

“Look at me.”

He was almost fully dressed at this point, looking inexplicably handsome.

“What?” She whispered.

“It was good, okay? We had a good time. You were hot at the party and I chose to take you home.” His voice was low, eyes intense. “Let that be enough.”

Hotaru never got used to the loneliness that followed the faint click of the door. She sobbed silently, the events of the evening replaying in her head. Tonight felt different.

She cried in the shower; cried as she brushed her teeth; sobbed as she changed her sheets. He should’ve stayed.

But she knew she’d repeat it again the next time he wanted her.

Chapter 9: 'Tis the Damn Season

Chapter Text

Hotaru peeled her crusty eyes open the next morning, sitting up with an ache in her stomach. Reaching for her phone, she realized that Rangiku texted her last night.

Rangiku 👩❤️💋👩: How’d it go?

Hotaru stretched, wiping her eyes, and letting out a long sigh.

Hotaru: Good. He didn’t want to stay over.

Hotaru: So I guess I’ll see him again whenever??

Hotaru’s phone lit up. Rangiku was calling.

“Hey.” Hotaru responded, voice groggy.

“So he just dipped out after you guys were done?”

Hotaru sighed, wanting to bury her face in the pillow. “Are you surprised?” Rangiku, she knew, would not be surprised. If Grimmjow was kind to Hotaru? Now that would shock her.

“Everyone was giggling after you two left. I still can’t believe he did that!” She cackled into the mic and Hotaru groaned. “Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas Eve!”

Hotaru laughed aloud. “Merry Christmas Eve to you. I’ll be over a little later if that’s okay? I still have a few things I need to do around the house.”

“Yes, that’s perfect. We just got up too, so lots of cleaning to do here. Also, don’t even think of coming over to help clean. You helped enough yesterday.”

She conceded, “Okay, okay. I won’t. I’ll see you later, love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Rolling out of the bed and into the shower, Hotaru found herself wishing it wasn’t Christmas Eve. She wanted to rot in bed all day.

The hot water from the shower dulled the ache from the f*ck and from the emotional agony; she took time to lotion her body after and applied her normal skincare routine. She still felt dull.

Getting ready was quick. She hardly cared what she wore or looked like in preparation for seeing Gin and Rangiku; they wouldn’t care either way. Jeans and a sweatshirt topped with a warm coat would do just fine. The things she needed to do around the house was honestly just make coffee and decompress for several hours. Unfortunately, that was short-lived as her anxiety crept up and she desperately needed to get out of the house. Staring at her bed and thinking of Grimmjow would do her no good.

She grabbed Gin and Rangiku’s presents and made her way outside. She got on the train and realized that she had completely forgotten about her coffee—feeling such an intense rage, she hopped off at the next stop and found a local shop that would probably do the trick.

The shop was small with brick walls and enough greenery to produce a city’s worth of oxygen. There was a soft piano playing on the radio and Hotaru knew she was about to pay far too much for a coffee. The smell, however, was intoxicating and already curing her headache. She ordered at the counter and waited off to the side to be served. Distracting herself with her phone, she had no preparation for what stood in front of her.

“Hotaru?”

Figuring it must be her order, she hardly looked up, relieved that it was finally time. She lifted her head slowly, carelessly, to meet a pair of grey eyes that sent heat up to the tips of her ears.

“Oh.”

Tattoos and black hair. f*cking Shuhei.

“Hi Shuhei.” She managed, pocketing her phone. Her heart was beating so rapidly in her chest that she thought he could see it through her coat.

He offered a sheepish smile, stepping out of line to talk to her. Why was he doing that? He shouldn’t be doing that.

“I can’t believe I’ve been seeing so much of you lately.” His voice was always intoxicatingly soft and sweet, even during their worst times.

“Oh, uh. Well I, uh, forgot to make coffee at home.” She gestured to the bags resting at her feet. “I’m on my way to see Gin and Rangiku and give them their gifts.”

“I saw you a few weeks ago—”

The barista called her name. She quickly held up a finger and slipped over to get her drink. She thanked and tipped the barista, anxious to hear where exactly this man had seen her.

“Sorry,” She said, narrowing her eyes. “Where did you see me?”

“Oh. I saw you leaving my apartment building.” He spoke plainly, with no insinuation. “Did you move?”

Hotaru felt hot again. How did her ex end up living in the same building as Grimmjow? It was unreal.

“No, I, uh, I kind of see someone who lives there.”

Shuhei looked puzzled; unsure of how to respond. “I wonder if it’s someone I know.” He said to himself, and after looking back at Hotaru he said, “That’s funny! Small world, right?” Hotaru wanted to roll her eyes to the back of her head.

She didn’t mean to say what came next, but something about Shuhei stopping and talking to her and pretending to be amused by her life really pissed her off. She gave him a patronizing smile, wrinkling her nose like she was telling him a secret, “Yeah, if you do know him, please don’t ask about me because we’re not really an item.”

That killed Shuhei’s fire quickly. “Oh.”

It wasn’t until now that she realized how many people had came and gone and her f*cking coffee was probably getting cold. She spoke plainly to Shuhei, feeling very unamused by this visit. “Anyway, I should probably leave.”

“Okay,” He said slowly, like he was testing the waters. “Hotaru? I know you don’t feel the same, but I always really enjoy seeing you.” There was a faint blush adorning his cheeks and Hotaru felt her heart swell more than she’d ever admit.

But then she remembered her “arrangement” with Grimmjow and felt anger burning. “Do you want to hang out sometime?” She blurted as Shuhei turned away. Maybe she’d pass Grimmjow in the hallway.

“Hang out?” He pondered, his blush now fully bloomed. “Yeah, I’d love to. Is your number the same?”

The rest of the ride to Gin and Rangiku’s was tense. Hotaru had no idea what she was doing. Shuhei shredded her heart and for some reason he was the only person she wanted to use to make Grimmjow jealous. Granted, there was no guarantee that Grimmjow would be remotely jealous. She felt like her heart was being physically tugged at and she wanted to throw up.

Shuhei was not kind, she reminded herself repeatedly; he was cruel to her. Probably more cruel than Grimmjow ever had been. But she kept repeating what he said: I always really enjoy seeing you.What f*cking business did he have coming back into her life and saying that? And to add insult to injury, he lived in the same building as Grimmjow?

Hotaru let herself into the house, quickly shedding herself of her jacket and gloves.

“Santa’s here!” She shouted into the empty house.

“Hotaru!” Rangiku called as she ran down the stairs. “You’re early.”

Rangiku was dressed casually, sweatpants and a t-shirt—she looked disheveled, and there was a sort of mischief on her face. Hotaru squinted her eyes, “Did I interrupt something?”

“Oh my god, shut up! We weren’t expecting you for another few hours.”

“I mean, I can wait outside—” Hotaru laughed, pointing her thumb at the door. This would not be the first time she had caught them, but definitely the most appropriate.

“Gin will be down in a second.” Rangiku said with a laugh. “Come put your presents under the tree!”

After Gin came down, the three of them opened presents. Hotaru felt enveloped in their love, as if she was wrapped in a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. She loved them so much.

During their visit, she fought the urge to tell them about Shuhei, knowing that she would get scolded and threatened within an inch of her life. Plus, Shuhei was a sore subject with Rangiku. But she desperately wanted to talk about him; wanted to talk about how much he seems like he’s changed and how maybe she could give him another chance if he promised not to f*ck up again. But he was worse than Grimmjow—less forgivable.

Trying her best to stay present, she laughed along as they watched a sh*tty Christmas movie, smiling at how much love was in this room with her. They talked about work, reminisced on their college days, discussed how the baby making was going, gossiped about their friends, complained about getting older—all was right in the world.

She packed up her things, hugging Gin and Rangiku goodbye and made her way back home. It was late, as usual. She had too much to drink and felt an urge to cry bubble up in her stomach. She rode the public transport in silence, contemplating the events of the day. As usual, she found her mind wandering to Grimmjow. What was he doing on Christmas Eve? Did he even have family? Does he celebrate? What did he need to go do last night?

Why could she not stop thinking about Shuhei?

She thought back to their days in college; thought about how she was sure she’d be married to him and trying for a baby just like her friends. That’s how things were supposed to line up, but not everything was written in the stars for Hotaru.

Instead she was pining after a man who didn’t want her and wishing things worked out with her sh*t-for-brains ex. Why couldn’t she be the happy one? Everyone assured her that it wasn’t her, it was her taste in men that was bad, but Hotaru had nothing but bad luck. Rangiku got it right on the first try—her and Gin met when they were 12 for f*ck’s sake.

Her better judgement told her to stay away from Shuhei. She might as well stay away from Grimmjow while she’s at it, but she knew that was never going to happen. Grimmjow had a hold on her like no other. Rangiku was wrong about one thing:

Grimmjow was a god because he had a big dick.

But f*ck if seeing Shuhei didn’t throw her for a loop. He was so apologetic and kind and soft and mature and he had gotten much hotter with age. Hotaru knew she was being a little sh*t because she wanted to use him to make Grimmjow jealous. That was problematic. But she also just wanted to see Shuhei; to catch up with him.

Against her better judgement, she texted Grimmjow,

Hotaru: When can I see you again?

And then Shuhei,

Hotaru: It was actually nice to see you. We should get coffee sometime.

Her heart pounded against her chest. Better to get them both out of the way, she thought. Her disability to predict what either would say was equally divided. She let out another long sigh and chewed the inside of her cheek. How the f*ck can she survive this?

Shuhei’s response was uncharacteristically quick.

Shuhei: It was nice to see you again too!

Heat crept up the back of her neck to the tips of her ears. She couldn’t go back from this. Her phone buzzed again.

Shuhei: Do you still spend Christmas alone? I’m free tomorrow if you wanna walk around in the snow? :D

This was no ideal for Hotaru. Yes, she did spend Christmas alone, but isn’t spending it with your ex from college a little on the nose? But goddamn, did she want to see him. Surprisingly, she had a fairly clear head when she responded.

Hotaru: Yep! Christmas alone as usual. We can make snowmen like old times :)

She fought the urge to smile and catastrophically lost. A familiar warmth bubbled up in her gut and she couldn’t wait for tomorrow.

They agreed to meet at the same coffee shop they saw each other at the day prior. Hotaru, anxiously early as usual, waited outside and watched the snow fall. She ignored the rapid beating in her chest, trying her best to distract herself and take deep breaths. She hadn’t seen him in so long and the last time they really spoke was their breakup. She had half a mind to walk home and ghost him to make him hurt, but honestly she didn’t want to; she wanted to see him and hear how he was doing over the last few years.

Her heartbreak probably wasn’t behind her, but if she could take the pain of Grimmjow, she reasoned she could do the same with Shuhei—it was much more tame with him, even when they were together. She waited patiently, trying not to consider that he could be the one to ghost her. If that did happen, she’s not sure she could recover.

Fortunately, she heard the crunch of boots on snow and raised her eyes to meet his. “Hi.” She breathed, taking him in. His outfits these days were all similar: cargo pants, boots, work jacket. She wondered what he did for work. Knowing him, he probably just dressed like that.

“Hi.” He replied. His cheeks were dark pink; a pink that couldn’t be blamed on the cold. Hotaru found her face was heating up as well. He gestured to the street, “Shall we?” She nodded and Christmas began.

It wasn’t the first Christmas they had spent together. Shuhei had no blood relatives either—only found family that was likely with their respective families today. “So, what do you do for work?”

“Well, I used my fancy Master’s degree and got a job in HR at a marketing company.” She paused and looked over at him. He was looking at her and she felt her brain short-circuit. “It’s uh, kind of embarrassing to tell you that when I was so confident I’d be this great psychologist.”

Shuhei smiled softly, “Well if it’s any consolation, I work at a bar with my dingy music degree. I never ended up going to grad school.”

She didn’t notice how much they had closed the space between them. “I guess we’re both very normal adults, aren’t we?” She glanced over at him and he smiled.

“What else have I missed in the last few years?” He asked casually, as if he had every right to know, but Hotaru dismissed her irritation.

“Honestly, nothing. I’ve worked at the same place since graduation. I used to go out every weekend,” She purposefully neglected to mention Rangiku’s name. “I recently took a pottery class and I was so sh*t at it that I cried.” She tossed her head back and laughed. “So I guess you could say I’m just as mediocre as I’ve always been. What about you?”

She turned to look at him and saw that he was puzzled. “Mediocre?”

She mirrored his expression and tone. “Yes. Do you suddenly disagree?” Shuhei did not like that comment. He halted their walk and gave her a blank look.

“Suddenly?”

“Yes. Are you listening?”

“I’ve never thought you were mediocre, even at the worst times. You’re smart and driven and my only gripe with you was putting academia over everyone and everything else.”

She guffawed. “That was your problem? That’s news to me.”

“Hotaru,” His eyes and voice softened. “I know we have a sh*tty history, and I don’t want to ‘start over’ or anything like that, but you’re important to me and I’d like to be friends at least.” He paused and looked away, the dark pink returning to his cheeks. “I know you’re seeing someone or whatever, so don’t think I’m trying anything, but…I don’t know. I—f*ck! I don’t know.” He was clearly flustered and Hotaru took this as a sign to keep walking.

“It’s fine, Shuhei. Let’s just keep going.” This wasn’t what she expected at all. It was supposed to be peaceful, not him acting like a lost puppy dog, confessing that he’s missed her or whatever the f*ck he’s on about. She huffed and continued moving forward.

Sensing that he was standing in the same spot, she turned on her heel, placing her hands on her hips. “Shuhei, come on or I’m going home.” He quickly caught up and she heard him let out a small sigh. Turning to him, she spoke softly and carefully, “I understand. You were a huge part of my life, but you f*cked a lot of stuff up. You almost ruined my friendship with Rangiku, I haven’t dated anyone since you, and the people I sleep with are all sh*t-heads because I don’t want anyone remotely similar to you.” She huffed and stared at the ground. “I don’t know what to say either, but if I’m being honest, I’m not mad that we’re together right now which I cannot wrap my head around.”

They shared a brief moment and Shuhei smiled softly. “I was a sh*t head, but I think I’ve grown up a lot since then. The last time we spoke was when we were what? 20? 21?” He bumped her shoulder playfully and grinned, “I’m not a vengeful asshole anymore, I promise. And I can’t tell you how happy I am that you texted me. I know it’s weird to bring up, but if I hang out with you, I know…” He chewed on his lip and sighed, staring at his feet as they walked, “I know I’m bound to see Rangiku and I want to set things straight with her too.”

Hotaru’s ears felt hot and her stomach lurched at the mention of her name. “Yeah. Okay.” She said softly. Talking with him lifted a weight off her she wasn’t even aware existed. “I have brace her though, so just think about it carefully.”

They walked for a long time, smiling and laughing and bickering, but it was warm and felt right. As they parted ways, they shared a friendly hug goodbye, but neither anticipated the embarrassing bloom of heat creeping up their cheeks—Shuhei was so red he looked like he had been hanging upside down for an hour. Hotaru agreed to hang out with him again sometime during the week when he had a day off and they promised it would be a very casual friendship.

At home, Hotaru couldn’t stop grinning, feeling the urge to kick her feet in the air and run around her apartment. Instead, she cozied up in her bed, purposefully ignoring that meeting up on Christmas Day is far too romantic for platonic exes to do.

She checked her phone one last time, hoping to see a text from Grimmjow. Nothing. She sighed and put her phone down, picking up a book to read and snuggling under her covers with a glass of wine.

It was around 8:00 PM when she heard a knock on the door. She shot out of bed and darted to the door, unsure of the numerous people it could possibly be. Rangiku would text her; Orihime would text her; anyone in their right mind would text her. Maybe they have the wrong address? Food delivery?

She checked the peep hole as silently as she could. The familiar nausea rose up in her stomach and she unlatched the door.

“What are you doing here?” She whispered, knowing she should slam the door in his face.

He wore his winter coat which was dusted in melting snow and a hat that fit snugly over his ears, but she could still see the blue hair peeking out.

He grinned. “Merry Christmas.”

Chapter 10: Kiss City

Chapter Text

Hotaru’s mind was reeling. Shuhei be damned, this is everything she wanted for Christmas. He stood in front of her—at her apartment—covered in snow. It was like something out of a movie. God, he looked beautiful standing at her doorstep like a stray cat. Meanwhile, Grimmjow looked at Hotaru and she was in agony—the hope in her eyes made him cringe and he wanted to turn around on the spot.

“Merry Christmas?” She asked softly, still blocking the door gawking at him.

“Are you gonna let me in?” He asked. His tone was the same as always; rough and demanding, laced with a hint of humor. Of course she would let him in. Even if she brought Shuhei home tonight, she would kick him out and let Grimmjow in.

“Yes,” She whispered. She had no idea what he wanted—well, she knew what he most likely wanted, but god she hoped that he was here to confess and agree that, yes, he did belong to her. She stepped aside and he let himself in, but to her surprise didn’t pick her up and throw her on her bed.

He smelled so nice; like musk and wood and warmth. Her eyes trailed him as he made his way into her kitchen and found her bottle of wine, pouring himself a glass. “Is this all you have?” He asked with a mocking chuckle, his long frame propped up against her counter.

She huffed and followed him. “Yes, do you have an issue with that?” His face was impossible to read. Normally he had only two moods: annoyed and arrogant.

He raised his eyebrows at her as he drank, taking her in. “Why are you already in your pajamas?” Her cheeks burned; the t-shirt she wore was huge and old—it definitely had a hole in the armpit—and a pair of comfy shorts; it was a very unsexy look. She had been so caught up in his arrival she didn’t realize what she looked like; she wasn’t expecting company, after all. Suddenly embarrassed, she crossed her arms over the lack of bra.

“I, uh, had a long day.” Unimpressed, he simply narrowed his eyes and said nothing.

They gazed at each other for a long time, neither sure what to say. If Grimmjow wasn’t here for sex, what could he possibly want? “Want me to take your jacket?” She asked softly.

“No.” He paused and stood up straight, pushing himself off the counter. “I don’t know why I’m here. I’m leaving.”

He was annoyed, Hotaru realized. He was irritated with her because he decided to come to her house on Christmas. Maybe none of his other women were available this evening and he needed to put his dick in something.

“What the f*ck are you talking about?” Feeling a burst of courage, she closed in on him and grabbed his shirt in desperation. “You f*cking dickhe*d. It’s Christmas. Give me one f*cking day of peace. You barge into my house expecting what?” She scoffed, tossing her hands up in defeat. “Why did you come here, Grimmjow? What do you want from me? Because all you’ve done the last few days is f*cking confuse me!” She scowled at him, voice low. “If you want to leave, f*cking leave. But if you do, we’re done. And I swear I will never speak to you again.”

Grimmjow loved her fire; loved when she clawed and fought. Something sparked inside of him, igniting a desire for her that he never experienced before. His face split into a grin and he closed the distance again.

“Is that right?” His hand reached around the back of her neck and he held her still so their faces were perfectly aligned. His hand was cold and she could feel his long fingers intertwining with her hair.

He towered over her and her heart was thrumming into her ears. His eyes trailed all over her face. Her lips were parted and her body radiated heat; he knew better than anyone that she was full of sh*t. He repeated himself, voice low and dangerous, “Is that right?” He pulled her closer so all she could focus on was his piercing blue gaze, “Are you threatening me, Hotaru?” Her name on his lips made her gasp and her body suddenly ached for him.

“Yes,” She dared to whisper through her teeth. “That is a threat you f*cking asshole.”

Grimmjow responded yet again with a wide grin. His body language mirrored hers: eyelids half open, lips parted, breaths slow and heavy; his neck craned forward where hers tilted back; the space between them was tense and thick. His fingers closed and he caught her hair to still her movement; there was a flush to his face without any real touching. Time stopped as Hotaru’s chin tilted up and Grimmjow’s lips met hers.

Bottom lip meeting top lip, noses bumping, little bites, swapping spit—Grimmjow groaned into her mouth. His hand never left the back of her neck. Instead, his grip tightened, pulling her closer; he needed her closer, but he didn’t know why. Her mouth was warm and the taste familiar.

Grimmjow’s mouth was hot, flavored with red wine and smoke. Hotaru’s knees grew weak and she pulled away from him, panting into his chest. “Your mouth tastes so good.” She could feel his heart beating, his chest rising and falling, and a low hum of acknowledgment. She clutched his jacket and gazed up at him, pressing her hips into his and letting out a soft whine in response to the thick bulge pressing against her. “Grimmjow, please.”

He chuckled and yanked her head back to allow better access to her neck. He placed a kiss on her throat and smiled. “Please what?”

Hotaru whined, jutting her hips against his as he kissed down her neck. She wanted him to bad she could cry. “Please, I need you.” Her voice was small, almost a whimper. Her desperation bordered feral. She felt Grimmjow bite her neck in response and he met her gaze with another dangerous smile.

“Is that right?” He said into the skin on her neck, humming as his hands trailed up her ass and under her shirt to caress her breasts. “You need me, baby?” She nodded slowly and their lips met again and this time I was nothing but passion; they aligned just right so all they felt was the warm skin of the other’s mouth. She curled her fingers into his hair as he walked her back into the kitchen counter where he released her and spun her around, instantly closing the space by reattaching his lips to her neck.

“f*ck,” She whispered, out of breath and dizzy. There was nothing else in existence other than the two of them at this very moment. She opened her eyes and fixated on the counter below her, hearing a faint sound of Grimmjow’s belt buckle and zipper. “I have condoms in my room.” She managed to say, nearly entirely dazed.

“No.” He caressed her hip with his free hand and kissed under her ear. “Let me f*ck you raw.” His tone was focused and wild at the same time; she wondered what had gotten into him that he was acting so out of character.

“Okay,” She managed, “You’re clean?”

“I’m clean.” In an attempt to be helpful, she shimmied out of her shorts and underwear, kicking them across the kitchen floor and arched her back in preparation. He chuckled behind her and nuzzled his nose in between her neck and shoulder, breathing hot air into her skin. “Are you ready, baby?”

Before she could respond, he nudged inside of her, adjusting the tip to fit inside. She arched her back further, urging him to hurry up, folding her body over so she was entirely leaning on the counter. His bare co*ck inside of her felt unreal. The skin on skin was so simple, but god it felt so much better; it felt intimate and sexy and f*cking perfect. She smelled the cleaning chemicals on the counter, the lingering scent of lotion on her arm, and felt the moisture from spit as she moaned into the skin in-between her forearm and elbow. The more he stretched her, the louder her groans became.

“f*ck,” Grimmjow moaned into her ear, pumping in and out of her with a death grip on her waist. “You are f*ckin’ made for me.” He gnawed on her neck, pumping slowly—enjoying every small noise that came from her puss*. He was more than aware of the love marks he was leaving, feeling proud like he was claiming her as his. He already knew that much was true.

“I am,” She moaned, “I’m yours, Grimmjow.” She arched back further into him, silently begging him to pick up his pace. “Please, baby. I need more.”

He laced his fingers in her hair again, pulling her back to meet his devilish gaze. “You need more?” His teeth were blindingly white and sharp as he smiled down on her like a f*cking god, “You’re so ungrateful, you know that?” She moaned, feeling like she could come right then and there. For maybe the first time, Grimmjow obeyed—he picked up his pace, sucking into her neck and groaning into her ear. He reached around to grabbed her hand, placing it between her legs. “Make yourself come for me.”

Hotaru groaned into her arm, rubbing her cl*t, arching her back; it felt too good. Grimmjow always felt too good. She felt the world flip on its axis. All the blood in her body feeling like it was pumping into her puss*. She gripped down unknowingly and screamed, covering her arm in hot spit. Before she could come down from her high, Grimmjow’s hips stuttered and he bit into her shoulder hard.

“I’m gonna come.” He sounded shocked, confused. “f*ck, Hotaru—I’m gonna come.” Before she could respond, he was thrusting deeply into her rubbing sweat on her shoulders, whimpering in her ear. Why was he coming so fast? This had never happened with anyone.

“What the f*ck?” He whispered. “Are you on birth control?” He pulled out, and Hotaru spun around to look at him. His face was red, covered in sweat, and his eyes were nearly black. His lips were still parted in what almost—almost looked like a genuine smile. What had she done to him?

Everything about this evening was new to her.

“Yes,” She laughed and extended her hand, speaking softly, she said, “Come shower with me.” Normally he wouldn’t, but right now he wanted more of her; he couldn’t get enough.

He took it and they made their way to her shower. He let her wash his hair and kiss his neck. He kissed her softly, his hands trailing down her neck and over her breasts—he touched her gently, not to dominate, but to please her and understand her. He held her and slowly f*cked her against the tile, tracing over the bites he left earlier. “You are mine.” He groaned into her ear, and she echoed him every single time,

“I’m yours.”

They dried each other off and brushed their teeth, Grimmjow using the “extra” one that definitely stayed in her cup specifically for him. He took her to bed, kissing up and down her body. He made love to her one more time, this one slow and soft, feeling every inch of her like it was the last time he would ever see her.

She gazed over at him, half asleep, nuzzled into her neck.

“Grimmjow?”

“Hm?”

“What was that?”

He grumbled and rolled onto his back, “What?”

“No, no,” She rolled onto him and buried her face in his chest, “Never mind. I don’t want to ruin the moment.”

Truthfully, there was no reason he was acting like this; maybe he was testing out a new side of himself and Hotaru was the one who was always there, always willing? He brushed that thought aside and fell into the most peaceful sleep he’d had in a long, long time.

Chapter 11: So It Goes

Chapter Text

When she woke the next morning, Grimmjow was long gone. He might have been gone, but she didn’t feel that emptiness that was so familiar after he left. Last night didn’t feel real. Hotaru felt opposite of how she felt the previous morning; her chest felt light as she made her coffee, and she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. Grimmjow was sweet? And attentive? And she could almost hear music in the background as she walks down the aisle—

She needed to call Rangiku.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Rangiku,” She couldn’t contain her smile, “I have to tell you about last night.”

She skipped the definitely-not-date with Shuhei, and told the gory details of her night will Grimmjow.

“No f*cking way!”

“I know! I have no idea what is going on—oh, hey, Rangiku? I’m getting a call, I’ll talk to you later! Love you, bye!”

It was Shuhei.

“Hey!” She answered, a little too chipper.

“Oh, hey, Hotaru!” He sounded like he was smiling. Hotaru felt butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. “I wasn’t expecting you to pick up so fast. Uh, I know it’s only been a day, but do you wanna come over tomorrow? I have the night off and I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie or something?”

Hotaru’s face felt hot. It was just a movie, so there was no harm in that, right?

“Oh my god, yeah! I would love that!” She was smiling too. “I get off at 5, so I can be there between 6 and 8?”

“Yes! We can pick out the movie when you get here if that’s okay? Also I can get us some drinks?”

She felt almost too excited for this. “I’d love that. And I can bring popcorn or something?”

“That sounds great!”

Her day at work went by quickly, and she gave herself enough time to change at home before heading over. She wore sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt with very plain sneakers. Nothing special or sexy or romantic at all. It was strange dressing to see Shuhei; strange to curate an outfit for a man who she vowed to hate years ago. Not even three days ago were her friends clowning on her for how he broke her heart.

Admittedly, she was nervous that she would run into Grimmjow, but quickly convinced herself that it was highly unlikely that she’d see him. Fortunately, she made it safely to Shuhei’s with no run-ins with the blue haired man, but she did wonder how it would transpire if she had seen him.

Shuhei let her in to his apartment. It had a faint smell of weed, his walls were decorated with posters: bands, movies, album covers. He had a candle burning and very pink cheeks like he was nervous for her arrival. He too wore loose sweatpants and a stylish sweatshirt with an embroidered logo on it that she wasn’t familiar with. He looked cute.

“Welcome! Can I get you something to drink?”

“Hi, sure.”

“Do you still like vodka red bull, or have you moved on?” Her gaze was fixed on him as he moved into the kitchen, it was cluttered, but not messy, and god did he have a selection of alcohol.

“f*ck, I haven’t had one of those in ages. Probably a little late though—grandma has work in the morning after all.” His eyes stayed on hers as he laughed and her cheeks flushed deeply, “uh, do you have whiskey co*ke?” He was so eager and sweet, making her realize that being here wasn’t her best idea.

“Yes!” His cheeks had not gone back to their neutral color since she arrived. He was being so cute. “I am a little disappointed you didn’t ask for something more complicated though.”

“My drink repertoire runs about three deep.” She felt shockingly comfortable with him? “It’s that or a tequila sunrise, but I don’t think that’s a very wintery drink.”

He made them drinks and Hotaru felt at ease. They joked and laughed and Hotaru wished she wore a t-shirt under her sweatshirt from how warm she was feeling. They finished one drink and talked before sitting down to pick a movie—they ended up settling on some art house film that they watched together when they were in college and mutually liked.

“Do you remember when we used to get really high and take turns picking movies?”

Hotaru smiled and nodded, “We hardly ever finished them though because they’d make us cringe. The actors always looked like they were trying too hard.”

She felt warm from the alcohol and admittedly from Shuhei’s company. They both had looser lips, talking over the movie, daring to charter into their past more and more, bringing up good memories that made them both flush. Reminiscing was fun when it wasn’t all the sad parts. Shuhei and Hotaru genuinely loved each other before everything went to sh*t; they planned out a bright future together, but like Shuhei said, Hotaru left little room for things that weren’t academic. It wasn’t long before the movie was over, but they opted to put on another one before admitting they were enjoying each other’s company so much. They were giggly and warm and probably—though they would never admit that either—flirting.

“Who is this person you’re kind of seeing?” Shuhei asked in full confidence. There was no malice behind his tone; no jealousy. Hotaru, who felt like she had forgotten Grimmjow for a few hours, froze in place. She wasn’t expecting Shuhei to be so forward (though it was hardly forward). She was scared to talk about them and truthfully wanted to keep them separate.

The alcohol, however, didn’t make her walls nearly as fortified as she wanted. “He’s this guy I met like a year ago through Gin.” She felt nervous, but her current trust in Shuhei was sturdy. “So we’ve been, y’know, hooking up on and off for so long, but he’s like, such a dick.” Shuhei raised his eyebrows in anticipation and Hotaru chewed her lip, carefully considering how much to share with her literal ex.

She was also realizing she was drunker than she thought.

“He kind of has commitment issues, I guess? Like I don’t know how many other girls he sees, and if I think about it too much, I puke. Like, literally puke. He knows he has this power over me and I think he uses it, but what’s gross is I don’t care? I really, really don’t. So I keep seeing him and I have this delusion that he’ll end up liking me if I stay around long enough.” She cringed at her admission, “f*ck, I’m sorry.”

“So why are you still seeing him? If you know that it’s—?”

“You know what it’s like when you’re all alone, but there is so much love around you?” Shuhei narrowed his eyes and waited, “My friends are all either married or have these great partners and I am just like lonely, you know? Obviously, I have friends, but I have no one to kiss when I get home. So I cling to him like he’s mine, even if I know it’s fake.” She looked at him and he was still intently listening. “I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It makes sense.”

When had they gotten so close on this couch?

“I’m not saying this because I’m drunk,” Shuhei said with a laugh, his gaze holding hers with a new intensity, “but I wish I could go back and change everything so I could be that person for you.” He blushed deeply. “Please don’t think that’s creepy, Hotaru. I just need you to know how sorry I am.”

Hotaru’s stomach flipped and she searched his face for any sort of wavering only to find none. He was soft and pink and gentle, illuminated by the TV, and his words were sure and heartfelt. Why was this happening? Why was she drunk on her ex’s couch, staring at his lips? Why wasn’t she doubting his words, and instead trusting them and holding them dear to her? Truly, though, what was stopping her from kissing him? She had no ties to Grimmjow. If anything, this evening had brought out her true feelings for him.

Which is why her brainless ass leaned forward and attached her lips to his. She hadn’t tasted his mouth in so long, but it was so familiar it gave her giddy butterflies. He returned the kiss, groaning into her mouth; deepening it with his hands placed gently on her jaw, holding her close. The kiss was hungry and messy; breathless and raw. He tasted like sweet alcohol and salty popcorn.

Hotaru pulled back first, realizing the depth of the situation. She looked at him incredulously, completely out of breath. Her heart was beating out of her chest, feeling heavy and light all at the same time. “Shuhei,” She whispered, “should we have done that?”

He smiled bashfully and shrugged. “Probably not, huh?”

“f*ck.” She said to herself, “It’s so late. I’m so sorry, but I think I need to head home.”

“Yeah.” He was still so pink and still smiling, his voice was light and breathless like he was in awe. “Yeah. You should. I meant everything I said though. I really did.”

Hotaru couldn’t help but smile back, somehow not regretting it yet. “I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

As she stepped out into the hallway, she felt like she was in a fairytale. She felt like spinning and singing. She also faced the heavy side of things. She couldn’t hide that from Rangiku, and she knew it was not going to go over well with her. Keeping her composure, she padded down the hallway, searching for the elevator. She knew she had to look out for Grimmjow still, but cared much less this time around. That was probably silly too.

As she reached the foyer, the snow falling outside seemed like a perfect ending to the night. It all felt so magical.

However, the train ride home spelled something a little different out. She sat with her thoughts and her conscience screamed guilty. Why, of all times, did she choose to kiss someone else the night after Grimmjow acted like he wanted a relationship with her? Truthfully, he wasn’t acting like he wanted a relationship, but he showed her more emotion in one night than the entire time she had known him; he was finally giving her something to work with.

She decided she would visit Rangiku tomorrow and come clean. That would make her feel better.

In the meantime, she sat in silence on the train and wondered how Grimmjow could actually f*ck other people and not feel anything, while she only kissed someone and felt like she would be sick.

Gin and Rangiku were both sitting in the kitchen, awaiting Hotaru’s news. They were both still in their work clothes and hadn’t even had dinner yet. She sighed and braced herself, better to be get it over with:

“I kissed Shuhei last night.”

The reaction from Gin was blank, but Rangiku’s face betrayed serious disappointment. “How could that have happened?”

She was right. From her perspective, it couldn’t have happened. Hotaru had only seen Shuhei one time at a coffee shop weeks ago. Hotaru hung her head, “We hung out on Christmas. I went to his house last night.”

“You saw Grimmjow on Christmas.”

She nodded, “I saw both.”

“Both?”

The air was tense. Gin remained still, looking bored. Hotaru hesitantly explained how she saw Shuhei, their walk on Christmas Day, and how that led to them seeing each other the previous night. Hotaru also admitted that she withheld that information because she knew Rangiku would get mad at her and she was scared.

“What’s your plan here?” Rangiku asked, her voice was flat and unamused. “You want to try again with your ex boyfriend who, not even four years ago, kissed me and told me he loved me?”

Hotaru paused for a long time and stared at them blankly, tears threatening to spill. It wasn’t f*cking fair. Rangiku was the only person that Hotaru didn’t feel second to, but even still, she was. She was certainly not first to Grimmjow; wasn’t first to Shuhei when they dated; wasn’t even first to herself. It just wasn’t fair. She wasn’t expecting to be faced with this.

“I love you and I won’t let this hurt our friendship again, but I also know you.” Rangiku leaned forward, her tone was serious and unwavering. “This is bad news. I don’t know how else to put it.”

“I need to figure some stuff out, I know.” Hotaru mumbled. “I just needed to tell you.”

After that, Hotaru made her way back home.

The next day, Hotaru questioned if she should text Shuhei at all, but decided that it was the most fair to him. Not that she needed to be fair to him, but he seemed like he was trying so much harder. Unfortunately, Rangiku was correct: it was bad news.

She couldn’t deny that she felt much more like a person when she was with Shuhei. With Grimmjow, it was simple and informal; Shuhei knew her and actually wanted her. His mistake with Rangiku would always loom over their relationship, no matter how long they were together, and that was a problem. Her head was pounding.

She huffed and texted Shuhei:

Hotaru: I’m really sorry about last night.

Hotaru: Not that I regret it. I just need a few days to think if that’s okay?

Her heart was thrumming inside of her shirt and she felt like she might retch. She had too many things to think about, but what she wanted was so simple. She still felt so alone, and she felt a twinge of resentment towards Rangiku. “f*ck.” She mumbled to herself, feeling instant guilt. It was like she was being torn in half like a piece of wet paper.

Her phone buzzed:

Shuhei: Take as much time as you need :) I understand the position you’re in.

Shuhei: Well, as much as I can.

Her stomach was churning.

She made a decision to isolate for a little while. It was a pattern she had become well-acquainted with. It was her time to throw a fit, but no one else had to deal with it. Weeks of the same schedule: wake up, work, go home, eat, sleep. She felt like sh*t, but at least she didn’t have to answer for any of her actions. She still saw Rangiku once a week, but that was the limit. No texts from Shuhei; none from Grimmjow. It was wretched and she was finding no peace in her actions. She thought about Grimmjow nearly every day, so after a month, she texted him.

Hotaru: What are you doing tonight?

Not even a minute passed before a response,

Grimmjow: Come over.

Hoping this would cure her loneliness again, she made her way to the all too familiar apartment building once again. As she arrived, she now dodged her way through trying to avoid seeing Shuhei. She felt an pang in her heart at the thought of him seeing her. (She really was dense sometimes).

As Grimmjow opened the door, he felt a sting in his chest. She looked so small and pathetic standing in front of him, but he never wanted someone to be his so bad. She wore a short skirt and tights, topped with a tight sweater and boots and he couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride knowing it was for him.

She looked up at him with wide eyes and smiled shyly, taking him in. He looked beautiful. Hair messy, wearing nothing but sweats and a white t-shirt and still managed to look perfect. She felt her mouth water at the dick print showing in his pants.

“I’ve wanted to see you so bad.” She whispered.

He grinned and pulled her inside. He wouldn’t admit it, but he wanted to see her too. No one else was filling the void she did. Their lips crashed together and he couldn’t help but suck her bottom lip between his teeth, biting down and eliciting a whine from Hotaru. Her eyes were already glazed over with pleasure.

“Why didn’t you text me?” She whined between kisses.

He started to undress her, leaving bite marks on every part of her body. His clothes stayed on as he spoke into her skin, “Been busy, baby.” He found his way between her thighs and his tone turned vicious, “I know you have too, haven’t you?” He could feel the way her legs tensed up; he knew exactly what he was doing.

“No—” She tried, but was cut off by a harsh bite to her thigh.

“Mhm,” His voice was low and dangerous; she felt exposed as he looked straight at her puss*, he examined it almost clinically, “I saw you the other night. After all this time bitching at me, you finally decided to f*ck someone else, didn’t you?” His fingers pressed against her cl*t and she yelped. “You think I wouldn’t find out?” Another bite. “I think I finally get how you feel, baby.” His pointer finger slid inside, pumping slowly—meticulously.

“Grimmjow,” She whined disjointedly, writhing against his fingers, “I didn’t do anything, I swear.”

Another finger pumping laboriously, stretching her, almost like he was searching for something. “Don’t f*cking lie.” His tone was dangerous, “You told me you were mine.”

“I am, I swear. I’m yours Grimmjow. Only yours.” She was rambling, pleading. “It was just a kiss—I’m sorry, I swear it won’t happen again.”

Almost instantly, she regretted saying that. Grimmjow stopped and looked at her wildly, his eyes blown out and menacing. “You’re f*cking kidding.” He laughed and Hotaru’s body stiffened. “I’m gonna show you who you belong to.”

He flipped her on her stomach and stuffed three fingers back inside of her, evoking a gargled scream from her. The movements were sloppy, but deep and she could feel him hitting her cervix. She cried out, flailing against the bed, feeling her org*sm rapidly approaching. She whined and moaned and stuffed her face into the pillow as she arched her back into his fingers, coming loudand hard.

He still pumped into her relentlessly, disregarding the panting, knowing her vision was coming back to her. “Grimmjow, please—”

“Here’s what I don’t get,” He pulled his fingers out and grabbed her hair without wiping them off, “you needed someone else the night after you had me?”

“I told you,” She growled through gritted teeth, still barely back to herself, “I didn’t f*cking—”

He yanked her hair harder and placed a wet kiss where her shoulder meets her neck, “Shut the f*ck up.” His tongue traced her neck up to her ear and his voice was uncharacteristically honeyed, “I’m gonna show you that you don’t need anyone else.”

As he let go, her head dropped back into the pillow. She heard the faint sound of clothes hitting the ground and before she could catch her breath, his bare dick was inside of her. “Did you let him f*ck you raw?” He growled into her ear. Hotaru whined and arched her back as far back as she could, feeling his fingers digging into the skin of her hips to pull her up further.

“No, no, no, baby. No—only you, only you.” She cried out, voice low and broken. He was plowing into her brutally, and she knew another org*sm was coming. She reached down and rubbed frantic circles on her cl*t just to have her hand snatched away.

“Let me.” He groaned, pulling their hips flush together, and rubbing her cl*t like he was the expert. “Let me make you come.”

And that was all it took. She unraveled fast, arching further than she thought was possible, covering the pillow beneath her in a thick film of saliva and sweat. Her senses were absolutely f*cked—her and Grimmjow were on a different plane of existence. Her head felt truly emptied out, but her body felt brand new and well-loved.

“Grimmjow,” She panted, “you are unreal.” Before she could comprehend anything, she was flipped on her back again. He was above her, flushed and sweaty, looking like a f*cking god. In moments like these, she had to stop herself from saying I love you; she had to hold in all the feelings that were welled up in her heart. His hair was sticking to his forehead, breaths were shallow, lips were swollen. She loved him.

He kissed her leisurely. She felt his hand wrap around her neck lightly, his thumb placed lazily on her sternum. He slid back inside of her easily and the warmth made them both whine into the other’s mouth. He pulled his lips back, gazing into her eyes, “I want you to be only mine, do you understand?”

She knew it wasn’t fair. She knew it was a ridiculous claim. How many women had he put his dick in since they started f*cking? Meanwhile, she only kissed one person. But something about making this man jealous lit a blazing fire inside of her that she wanted to stoke for as long as she could. She would obey his commands because she really was his; she could have f*cked someone else, but no matter what she’d submit to Grimmjow because she belonged to him.

“I understand,” She whispered, pulling him closer, smiling with her eyes, “I’m only yours.” He tucked his head into the crook of her neck and sucked gently, knowing he’d leave a mark. Hotaru whined, angling her hips up to meet his, digging her nails into his back as he f*cked into her.

Grimmjow wasn’t sure if he could commit to being only hers, but she was the closest one that could earn the title. He didn’t care if it was just a kiss, he didn’t want anyone to touch her. After he saw her leaving the building that night, he wanted to follow her home and f*ck her brains out, but he couldn’t understand why he cared. So he waited. But the longer he waited, the angrier he got. He found himself eyeing everyone in the building, wondering who it was. He fought with himself, questioning why it even mattered; wondering why he suddenly felt so possessive of Hotaru. The picture of how satisfied she was after she left the building was burned into his head.

It wasn’t until she showed up tonight that he realized what he wanted.

So he f*cked her like she was his, knowing that it wouldn’t matter in the morning anyway. She was his—that’s all he needed to know.

As she writhed beneath him, he felt himself getting close. The sounds of her pants, the feeling and taste of her sweat on his tongue, the warmth of her puss* as she clamped down on him, the feeling of her leaking onto his bed. He could vaguely hear her cry out that she was coming. It all felt too good and he was spilling into her before he could form another thought. “f*ck,” He groaned into her neck, peeling himself off of her sweaty body. She was still panting beneath him, eyes wide and satisfied. She snuggled into his sheets, smiling contentedly.

“Can I sleep over?” She asked, watching him get up to clean off.

“Sure, but you better not leak any come onto my bed.”

They both knew they’d have to change his sheets after that whether she leaked or not. It felt domestic and soft. This was all she wanted from Grimmjow: acknowledgement, time, his pleasure. They showered together, and he didn’t even complain when she snuggled up against him, tracing the lines on his shoulders.

She forgot about everything else when they were together.

Chapter 12: Wildest Dreams

Chapter Text

The soft rays of sunlight cascaded through Grimmjow’s window and onto his bed, radiating onto his skin. He looked so delicate in the mornings: eyelashes fluttering, mouth slightly open, soft sighs escaping his lips. Hotaru used featherlight fingers to trace the freckles on his shoulders, praying that her touch wouldn’t wake him and ruin this moment. Last night was telling. Of course she found solace in Grimmjow’s company, but it seemed like he missed her too. She always had high hopes, reading too much into his actions and words, but this time felt more sincere than all the others.

As she peeled herself from the sheets, she made her way to the shower, feeling more than comfortable in his apartment. Her hair was stuck together from where he tangled his messy come fingers in it, so she opted to use his shampoo—then his face wash and his body wash. She even hid a secret toothbrush in his cabinet for nights like these, and if he had discovered it, he never said anything. By the time she was done, she smelled just like him. She stayed in the shower for longer than she needed, but was interrupted by a violent temperature change in the water.

“What the f*ck?” She called out. “Did you just flush the toilet?”

It was annoying, but she couldn’t get over the fact that it felt so pleasant to wake up with him and share a bathroom with him. She hoped he wasn’t joining her in the shower yet because she couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off her face.

“I had to piss.” He said, climbing into the shower with her. “Did you use my f*cking soap?”

“Yes I did. I had to clean all the sh*t out of my hair with something.” He almost smiled at that. Instead, he pushed her out of the way to get under the water. “No good morning kiss?” She huffed.

He turned to her, unamused, and pointed a finger in the direction of the shampoo, “Give that to me.”

She gave him a sly grin, “Not until I get a kiss.”

He tried to reach for the shampoo anyway, but Hotaru snatched it up, holding it above her head the best she could. Unfortunately, Grimmjow was colossal and easily plucked it from her hands. She crossed her arms and pouted, giving him the best puppy dog eyes she could muster, hoping that he wouldn’t be irritated and kick her out of the shower. This was a private space that they had only shared once before, after all. Shockingly, Grimmjow took pity on her, wrapping his fingers around her neck to pull her close and placed a sloppy kiss on her lips.

“You happy?” He grumbled, and Hotaru felt her entire body ignite. She was too dazed to speak. “Do you wanna get breakfast?”

Hotaru tilted her head, immediately distracted by the nonchalant tone he had. Breakfast? Like a date? She felt dizzy. The only place they had ever gone together was the bar and that was ages ago. They hadn’t even been seen in public together since the Christmas party. Breakfast? Was he sure? Did he misspeak? She must’ve had a truly dumbfounded look on her face because he spoke again, “It’s not that serious. You want breakfast or not?”

She stared at him as he casually washed himself, “Sure.” She felt so strange, worried that she was overcompensating; trying desperately to match his blasé attitude, “Yeah, I could eat. But we have to stop by my place to get clothes unless you have anything that would fit me.”

“Just wear some of my sweats and a hoodie.”

Hotaru’s hands flew up in defense, “You are a f*cking giant, do you not realize that I would be swimming in them?”

“Do you want breakfast with me or not?”

That was all she needed to hear.

They went out and Hotaru felt something akin to pride being seen with him and wearing his clothes. Grimmjow also made a point to keep his hand firmly on her ass as they walked through the lobby, silently marking his territory. He hoped to god that her other “friend” would see them together, smiling to himself at the thought of making them jealous.

The breakfast place was a small one where the food is cooked out in the open; the employees are all mean, it’s cheap, and the best breakfast food you’ve had in your life. She had been to this chain before—it was one you came to with your friends in high school or at 3AM when you’re drunk. It smelled sweet and salty, like you could almost feel your cholesterol skyrocketing. Hotaru was shocked that Grimmjow ate at a place like this, considering how fit he was and she realized she had never really seen him eat—only drink and smoke. He drank his coffee black and Hotaru took hers with lots of cream and sugar, delicately piling up her stack of creamers.

As they waited for the food, Hotaru stared at Grimmjow as he looked at his phone. He was so goddamn captivating. She wanted to ask how many girls he’s brought here wearing his clothes, but thought it was better to keep her mouth shut. Instead, she basked in his presence. She was suddenly at a loss for words anyway; what does she say to him when he’s not balls deep inside of her? Grimmjow isn’t an open book by any means.

“Are you gonna keep staring this whole time?” He said, still looking at his phone.

“No, sorry.” She offered, cheeks heating up. “You just look very good in the morning.”

He finally glanced up, his mouth almost turning into a smile, “Is that right?”

“Of course you do,” She stated plainly, feigning disinterest, “why else would I be staring at you?”

He put his phone down, giving Hotaru his full attention, causing her to fidget with her nails, “You have a habit of staring.” He grinned, “Does that mean I always look good?”

Hotaru feared her eyes might roll to the back of her head. It was somewhat of a shock to see him break character—almost appearing to have a sense of humor. Someone needed to humble this man, but she knew she was not the one for the very weighty task.

Instead she held his gaze, “Yes, Grimmjow. You always look good.”

His lips creased with a co*cky smile and Hotaru wanted to jump across the table and attach her lips to his. It was hard to feel anything other than intense lust for the man sitting before her. She wanted to marry him, but determining whether it was love or a desire to mark him as her own was unclear. She couldn’t sort her feelings for him, but she knew they were strong and f*cking intense. Her attachment to him was magnetic—as strong as gravity.

“Do you have any plans today?” Hotaru asked, shoveling food into her mouth.

“Why, are you trying to follow me around?”

She smiled because, yes, that’s exactly what she was trying to do, “And what if I am?”

“I have to run some errands.”

“Let me come with you.” He raised his eyebrows and Hotaru begged silently with her eyes, “I just need some clothes from my apartment.”

Grimmjow conceded and they headed to Hotaru’s apartment after they ate. Her apartment was bleak—stale like someone hadn’t lived there in months, but the presence of vivid blue somehow made it warmer.

The last time they had been here together was Christmas Day and she tried her hardest not to stare at the counter that he f*cked her against. It really was the best night they’d spent together. Grimmjow didn’t even need a reason to see her that night; there was no jealousy motivating him, he just showed up and treated her better than he probably understood how to.

“You can hang out while I go change.” She meant to make him comfortable, but he clearly didn’t need the advice; he was behind her anyway, poking his way about in her room like it was his too.

He plopped down on her bed, “Are you gonna give me my sh*t back?”

By “sh*t” he meant clothes, and no, she wasn’t.

“Yes, of course, but let me wash them for you.” She glanced over at him lazily leaning against her pillows, gazing at her as she undressed. Her lack of underwear beneath the sweats made her feel especially exposed, “Are you gonna keep staring this whole time?” She asked, mocking his tone from earlier and he actually smiled.

“C’mere,” He said, propping himself up on his elbows, “and take your bra off.”

Hotaru shot him a confused look, “What?” She whispered, gravitating toward him against her better judgement, already tossing her clothes on the ground.

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” his voice was low and his eyes were glued to her. She inched closer to him until she was standing between his long legs. She felt exposed, but the contact of his hands on her skin made her entire body buzz. He lazily trailed his fingers from her hip bone, around the lines on her belly, under her breast, back down to her hips. Using both hands, he gripped down and pulled her forward and ducked his face between the valley of her breasts. His hot breaths feathered her skin and she felt like she might start floating. His teeth grazed the side of her breast while his hands slithered up to lift her breasts up, giving them both a tender squeeze and a wet kiss on each nipple.

His voice was breathy and low, “I f*cking love your tit*.”

“Grimmjow,” She tried to straddle his lap, but he stopped her with a devious grin. He wanted to toy with her. Wanted to make her sweat. Most of all, he wanted her to think only of him.

“Not now, baby.” He turned her around and gave her a light push, smacking her ass playfully. “Maybe later though.”

Hotaru turned around again and pouted. The teasing only riled her up more and he knew that. She huffed indignantly as she finished getting dressed, warning Grimmjow that he needed to be patient while she put on makeup. Grimmjow did want to pull her into his lap and f*ck her until she didn’t know her own name, but he really did have sh*t to do and he knew if they started now, he might not be able to stop.

He felt a strong urge to mark her in some way, but how? He was so unfamiliar with jealousy. Thinking about it was exhausting so he sighed and rested his head on her pillow, trying not to acknowledge how much he was breathing in her scent.

When Hotaru was done, she sped back into her room to see a very conked Grimmjow. She gently crawled onto the bed next to him, admiring the soft-yet-sharp features of his face. It was strange to see someone who usually wore a scowl look so peaceful. He was napping on her bed like a cat, looking so content as if he might start purring. She really hated to wake him.

“Grimmjow,” She called softly, petting the smooth skin on his cheekbone, “baby, you need to wake up.”

His eyes opened slowly and Hotaru felt as if she might fall backwards off the bed. They were such a beautiful shade of sapphire, so intense and brilliant that she felt herself almost too entranced by him. She wanted him so bad.

“f*ck,” He shot up, “how long was I out?”

“Maybe like 15 minutes.” She stood up, making her way to the front door, “What’s first on your list?”

Grimmjow was a man of mystery. He wasn’t one to share anything personal. Hotaru’s sure he wouldn’t have shared where he worked if she didn’t already know. Much to her surprise, his list of errands was boring as f*ck.

First was dry cleaning. He dry cleaned his clothes. She almost snorted when he said it, (but truthfully it was sexy that he was grown up enough to get his work clothes professionally cleaned). The conversation with the laundry aide was short (not a surprise) and straightforward, yet familiar. However, when she saw Hotaru with Grimmjow, she quizzically raised her eyebrows and Grimmjow casually ignored it.

Next was one of those fitness stores where you buy pre-workout and stuff like that. Hotaru had never been inside of one, but Grimmjow was clearly a regular. Hotaru was sure she’d never been in a store with a more dull vibe. She hoped Grimmjow (or anyone) would never take her in another one like it. At checkout the clerk gave them a similar puzzled look and, once again, Grimmjow ignored it.

In the car, Hotaru couldn’t stop looking at Grimmjow’s hands on the wheel. They were f*cking huge, tendons and veins beautifully placed like they were sculpted by Michelangelo. When he turned the wheel, his muscles flexed and Hotaru’s head felt light. She had never spent this much time with Grimmjow, and she started to understand how dangerous it was—all she wanted to do was climb on top of him and milk his dick until nothing came out. She cleared her throat.

“Is this your routine every Saturday morning?” She asked, distracting herself. Grimmjow didn’t seem like one for routines.

“Nah, just when I need all my sh*t.”

Next was grocery shopping. Hotaru was baffled. This was personal. Before they got out of the car, Grimmjow looked over at Hotaru, his eyes dragging up and down her face. Hotaru stared back at him, leaning in closer in hopes he’d place a kiss on her lips. Just as their lips brushed, Grimmjow yanked his head back and gave her a devilish grin, “Let’s get going.”

The store was big and bright, a wide variety of fruits and veggies on display, a huge selection of oats and grains—perfect for someone who wants to eat healthy. It was no shock then, when all he picked out was an assortment of vegetables, grains, and fish. It was the opposite of what a grocery trip with Hotaru would be.

“Are you a good cook?”

“Probably better than you.”

She would be offended if it wasn’t so apparent that he was.

The grocery store is usually excruciatingly boring, but walking with him (even brazenly wrapping her arms around him from the back as he chose his eggs) was an adventure. Hotaru talked to herself as he shopped, even suggesting sh*tty processed food to him (he always gave her a firm no) when she saw a familiar pair of redheads down the aisle.

She speed walked over and gathered Orihime into a hug, “Orihime!”

“Oh my god, hi! I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!”

It had been weeks since she had seen her former roommate. Of course, she was accompanied by her boyfriend. “I’ve missed you! Hi, Ichigo! It’s nice to see you again.”

Grimmjow shamelessly strolled down the aisle and greeted Ichigo, adding a polite nod to Orihime.

“Do you guys know each other?” Hotaru asked, tilting her head to the side.

Ichigo smiled, “Yeah we went to college together. Old rivals.” He paused for a second and looked back and forth at Grimmjow and Hotaru, “Is this like,” his voice dropped and his eyes narrowed on Grimmjow, “are you guys together?”

Hotaru was frantically darting her eyes between the three people in front of her. After today, she didn’t know. Grimmjow looked unbothered as usual. Ichigo was at the Christmas party and probably saw them kiss in the living room, but if they’ve been friends since college, he probably also knows that Grimmjow is a huge f*ckboy who doesn’t settle and definitely would not be in a grocery store with one of his f*cks.

Grimmjow started to shrug his shoulders, and Ichigo cut in, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked! Grimmjow has told me about you though.” He said with a wink. “That usually doesn’t happen.”

“Oh,” Hotaru said, heat creeping up to the tip of her scalp, “well, it was good to see you Orihime! And you too Ichigo.” She gripped Grimmjow’s arm and pulled him away. She felt frantic, not daring to look over at the guaranteed scowl that was plastered on his face. “What other stuff do you need?”

“Let’s check out.”

Hotaru snuck a glance only to see a fierce blush from Grimmjow’s cheeks to the tips of his ears.

“Can I ask?” Hotaru asked as they unloaded groceries. Yes, she was unloading groceries at his f*cking apartment. She had never been in his fridge, but there was literally nothing packaged boxed. He was a f*cking health nut. Granted, she should have known that based on the state of his body.

“About what?”

“Don’t play that, Grimmjow.” She huffed, staring a hole in his head. “About what Ichigo said. Are you gonna kick me out if I ask?”

He gave her a dull look and raised his eyebrows at her. “Ask away.”

All the questions that she planned to ask were somehow silly now. She wanted to say a million things, but now all she could think was: do you like me? It didn’t help that it was so touchy with him. It was probably best to continue as she was. It was probably best to not ask questions. Now she regretted saying anything at all.

“You guys were friends in college?”

He was getting impatient, “Is that the question?”

“Yes.”

He was annoyed, so he ignored her. He was hoping for some probing question from her, exposing him for his admittedly strange behavior. Instead, she f*cking chickened out.

After a few minutes of silence, Hotaru conceded, “I know it’s a touchy subject, but, uh,” This was f*cking hard, but she needed to get it out, “I need to know if this is different than before. When we first met, you’d leave me to see someone else the same night, and now I’m going grocery shopping with you? You came to my apartment on Christmas. You told me I was yours. You once called me a stranger not even a minute after your dick was inside of me, now you talk about me to your friends? I know you’ve always said this was some casual thing—”

It’s true. Grimmjow was never this soft for anyone. He has tortured Hotaru more than most girls, but she’s the only one who clung to him even when he wasn’t interested. She was resilient and he liked that. Ever since the Christmas party there was something he couldn’t stop coming back to. It was strange that he wanted her to spend the night now; he wanted her to take the reigns, but it was so stupid to admit that to himself.

Hotaru looked at him expectantly for a long time after that. She nearly bared her heart to him, and he had no response. She was humiliated. “Look, if that’s it, I can just go.”

“I don’t want a girlfriend—” He said, still laced with an irritated tone. Hotaru continued packing up her things to leave, her face betraying serious rage. “Will you f*cking listen?”

She stopped dead in her tracks and scowled at him, “Listen to what, Grimmjow? You tell me you want me as a f*ck toy still? I can’t kiss someone, but you can f*ck half the city? Absolutely not.”

“For f*ck’s sake, Hotaru, listen.” She stood still, sturdy as a rock. Grimmjow inched closer, not knowing how to actually use his words. “I can’t do that yet.” He cornered her, tracing her neck with his fingers, lips brushing hers. “I want you though.”

“Only me?” She squeaked, trying to sound strong.She knew she would crack.

“Yes.” He growled into her ear.

Hotaru felt stupid for trusting him. He was an asshole, but she wanted him more than anything else she had ever wanted. He was difficult, but he was also hot with a huge dick and a job and an apartment, so she was actually winning. It was growing increasingly difficult for her to speak as he attached his lips to her neck; his hands trailing up her shirt to unhook her bra, “And you’re only mine?” She breathed.

He paused, tracing over the purple marks on her neck that he had left the night before, “Yes, baby.”

He took her to his bedroom, laid her down, and kissed up and down her body, tasting her until she came. He whispered filth into her ears as he slid inside of her easily, assuring her that he was hers and she was his. It didn’t matter if he didn’t want a girlfriend, Hotaru would do anything in her power to enjoy all the perks of being his.

Chapter 13: Circle

Chapter Text

The days grew longer, the sun emitting oppressive heat, and the cicadas were back to singing their familiar song. It was finally Summer again. Hotaru walked from the train station quietly, the breeze picking up on her skirt ever-so-slightly. She felt light as a feather.

The train took her from work to the Ichimaru house where there was a huge surprise awaiting her. The night breeze carried her to their door where she let herself in with a soft smile placed on her face.

“Hotaru!” Rangiku called from the living room, “hurry!”

In the living room stood Rangiku, Gin, Nanao, and Nemu. The surprise was suddenly becoming palpable. Hotaru’s heart was pounding and she glanced quickly at Gin, staring a hole into his head. He only smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“Now that everyone is here,” Rangiku started, taking time to glance at everyone in the room with a smile, “Gin and I have an announcement!” She stood and placed her hand on her belly, rubbing small circles tenderly while gazing back at Gin with an almost sickening amount of love. “We’re finally pregnant!”

The entire room erupted in pure joy. The day finally came, Rangiku and Gin were going to be parents! Everyone gathered them in a hug, tears streaming down their cheeks. There was enough bliss in that room to fuel the sun.

“I am so overjoyed I could explode.” Hotaru said, still holding on to Rangiku. “How far along are you?”

“About a month, give or take.” Her smile was warm, eyes misty with tears of joy. Hotaru felt the same. She held on to Rangiku, wishing she could simultaneously hold onto this joy forever.

Unable to wipe the grin off her face, she stayed as long as she possibly could. Unfortunately, she had work the next morning and said her goodbyes to her friends, giving Gin and Rangiku one last squeeze and teary eyed congratulations.

In all the hubbub, she didn’t even see the missed call and text from Grimmjow:

Grimmjow: Are you coming over tonight?

Her stomach dropped upon seeing that it was sent hours ago. She dialed his number quickly, praying that he wouldn’t be annoyed. The phone rang four times before he picked up.

She spoke before he could, “Baby!”

“You ignoring me?”

“No, of course not! I just had something come up with Rangiku.” She paused, chewing on the inside of her cheek, speaking softly. “Do you still want me to come over? I’m on the train right now.”

“Nah, we’ve got work in the morning. I’ll see you later this week.”

“Okay,” She felt tired suddenly, like all the energy had been drained out of her. “I’ll see you later.”

It was disappointing to say the least. They had been spending a lot of time together, but their time wasn’t necessarily valuable. It was their normal: meet up, have sex, spend the night. On weekends they’d occasionally get dinner, but nothing had really changed. Grimmjow also insisted that they keep it on the down-low—Hotaru agreed to it, but she really didn’t want it that way.

She texted him again:

My work gave me free tickets to a baseball game this Friday if you want to come.

Their time together was so secret, in fact, that she never brought Grimmjow up to her friends anymore. He was always hiding away in her back pocket, almost like she knew this was too good to be true anyway. She continued to hold onto him, white knuckled and desperate. She’d do anything for him, even if that meant keeping it hush-hush.

The sun beat down on the stadium, forcing everyone to cling to their sunglasses. The air was stale and smelled like sunscreen, hotdogs, and beer; peanuts were always an arms width away. The stadium shined under the sun, almost showing off as people snapped photos all around them. The lull of conversation in unison with the buzz from the beer comforted Hotaru and she leaned into Grimmjow, ready for the game to start.

She was shocked that he obliged her, worried that he was too cool for such an event. Grimmjow was a bit of a meat head, so he probably liked sports. They’d never discussed it. Hotaru scanned the crowd, always wondering if there were any women who he’d been with before looking at them, feeling jealous. Instead, her eyes focused on a shaggy head of black hair. f*ck. As if he could feel her eyes on him, he turned around and blinked, too stunned to react. She offered a weak smile and looked away, unknowingly leaning further in to Grimmjow.

Little did she know, Grimmjow watched the whole exchange go down. Eyeing Hotaru as her body stiffened; following her eyes to see a face he sort of recognized. He smiled to himself and wrapped his arm around Hotaru’s shoulder.

“You excited for the game, baby?”

She nodded and allowed her eyes to slide over to Shuhei one more time before the first pitch. He was with friends, smiling, drinking. She felt a twinge of guilt as she looked at him, recalling how she never spoke to him after she promised she would. She felt the weight of Grimmjow’s arm on her and smiled to herself. It was better this way, anyway. He was better.

Grimmjow could feel the unease in Hotaru once again, continuing to keep his eyes on the stranger as well. This f*ck had to be the one who was macking on Hotaru, and he needed to be put in his place. Grimmjow kept a steady gaze on the field, confidently draping his arm around Hotaru to keep her close. He played with her hair idly, flipping it through his fingers, fighting the urge not to stick his nose in it and breathe in.

It was becoming difficult to focus on the game with Grimmjow’s fingers twirling her hair, playfully pulling it when her gaze started to drift. She knew that Grimmjow could tell something was off.

“Have you been to one of their games before?”

“Yeah,” He was clearly distracted, his tone dull and bored.

“I’m gonna go get a beer.” She said with a huff. She was annoyed and needed Grimmjow to take the bait. He looked at her, his eyes momentarily darting over to an empty seat where her friend was sitting.

“No, let me get it for you.” He slid his hand up her neck and placed a sloppy kiss on her lips, “What do you want?”

Hotaru didn’t know that Shuhei was up from his seat, but if she did, she would have never let him go.

The lines were long and Grimmjow, almost too perfectly, wound up standing next to a beet red, tattooed, raven-haired man. He smiled to himself, studying the man next to him.

“No chance in hell we win, huh?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yeah, we’ve been playing like sh*t all season. It’s embarrassing watching it, honestly. Going through three pitchers before the 4th inning is sad enough.”

As Shuhei spoke, his eyes trailed slowly to Grimmjow, the realization painted all over his face. Grimmjow grinned.

“Yeah, it is pretty sad, isn’t it?” The line wasn’t budging and people were piling in behind them. “Y’know, you look familiar.”

“Uh,” Shuhei was floundering. “I don’t know, I think I’d remember your face.”

“Nah, you live in the same building as me. You’re Hotaru’s friend, right?” His voice was confident, eyes steadily holding Shuhei’s.

“I guess we do, don’t we.” He was getting annoyed. “Hotaru and I dated in college, yeah—how do you know that?” A pause. A realization. “You’re that guy!” Shuhei exclaimed hatefully. “The one who’s using her? The one who makes her feel so lonely and unwanted she gets sick? Yeah. She told me about you.”

Grimmjow’s composure was waning. Her ex? And she said all that sh*t about him? He cleared his throat, “What the f*ck did you just say?”

Shuhei smiled and tilted his head incredulously, “Why is she here with you if you treat her like that?”

The line moved an inch, the people around them starting to give them strange looks, shifting uncomfortably. The air felt thick and the beer was buzzing a little too much in both of their heads.

“Doesn’t matter.” Grimmjow smiled again, “I guess I won.”

Shuhei scoffed, “It won’t last.”

“Is that right?” Grimmjow was starting to puff up, his voice sharp. “What makes you so sure?”

“She’s not gonna stay with someone who treats her like sh*t.”

“And you know that from experience, yeah?”

It was a shot in the dark, but clearly it hit too close to home.

“You’re a prick.” Shuhei spat. “I’m not dealing with this.”

Grimmjow grinned even wider, “That’s what I thought. She’s mine no matter what you do.” He lowered his voice before the other could escape, “You could have f*cked her and she’d still come back to me.”

Shuhei stepped out of line, desperate to clear the anger fogging up his head. He was angry with himself for losing his temper, angry with Hotaru for staying with this guy, angry with the blue-haired f*ck for provoking him. He huffed, pushing through the crowd. He wanted to leave the stadium; wanted to move out of his building so as to never risk seeing that dickhe*d again.

He heard faded voices near him, “Grimmjow, what took you so long? Why didn’t you get us a drink?”

He met Hotaru’s eyes and glanced away, feeling ashamed and overwhelmingly sad. She did tell him that he was the reason she dated men like that; it was his decision to confess love and drunkenly kiss her best friend. As much as it was “his fault”, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Hotaru was doing something reckless.

He slid into his seat with a sigh, ignoring his friends drunkenly questioning where the drinks were. The game felt dull after that. Occasionally, he would glance over at Hotaru, admiring her ability to ignore him. He was sure that Grimmjow had no idea that he was Hotaru’s ex before tonight, and wondered if he knew about their kiss. Again, he found himself wishing he never f*cked up in the first place.

Hotaru looked more tense than before, and Shuhei wondered how often Grimmjow made her feel this way. She looked small and quiet when she was around him—what could he possibly offer for it to be worth the pain?

Hotaru had confessed how lonely she was, but why seek comfort in him? He shuddered with guilt, suddenly feeling cold. Had he really devastated her that much?

“Grimmjow, what took you so long? Why didn’t you get a drink? And why are you all red?”

He glared at her. “I had a run-in with your ex.”

Her mouth went dry, “My ex—?”

This evening could not have gone worse.

Hotaru slumped into her seat, glancing over at Grimmjow, desperate for forgiveness, but too afraid to request it. It was a detail he truly didn’t need to know at the time. Did he even need to know it now? Grimmjow had made it clear that he was not in favor of her looking at, touching, or talking to anyone else romantically, and somehow the one person she does it with is a former partner? He couldn’t help but be possessive, and knowing that her special friend was an ex made his blood boil.

His arm assumed its previous position, draped over her shoulder, fiddling with her hair. However, Hotaru knew that this night was not going to end well for her. Just when things were going well for her, Shuhei once again dashed all her chances at happiness.

“Grimmjow, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” She offered weakly, keeping her eyes glued to the game. It was embarrassing to feel so desperate. “I wasn’t hiding it, I swear. I haven’t seen him since that night.”

They didn’t speak after that.

The game finished, they walked to Grimmjow’s car, drove in silence, and it didn’t take long for her to realize that he was driving to her apartment. Her frustration came to a head when they reached her apartment; Grimmjow put the car in park and sat back, leaving his seatbelt on.

“What is your f*cking deal?” She spat at him, glaring violently. “How does him being my ex change literally anything?”

Grimmjow laughed, bushing her off like he always did.

“You sure talk a lot of sh*t to your ex.” The last word sounded like venom coming from his lips. He was angry, even if he was acting like it was a joke.

“And you’ve never said anything bad about me?” Hotaru said with a roll of her eyes. She knew it was a stretch—she should apologize to him, but her patience was already worn to thin. She wanted him to hurt.

“Get out of the car.” Grimmjow shot back. He didn’t want to entertain her for another second.

Hotaru crossed her arms. “No.”

The car was starting to get warm. The windows were rolled up, and air in the car was heavy with anger. She stared out the window, watching other cars drive by as they sat still. Nothing felt stable within the car, like it might implode on itself at any moment, destroying them and everyone around. She heard Grimmjow shuffle in his seat and cautiously turned her body to face his.

He still sat back, looking as relaxed as ever, but she knew he was waiting for her to get out.

“Grimmjow, I am not getting out. This is ridiculous.” She was feeling herself weaken under his scrutiny; feeling insecure and small. She was defeated once again. “I want to talk this through.”

“Nah, I’d say we’re done here.” There was a hint of a smile on his lips. “I don’t think it was working out anyway.”

“I’m sorry for saying those things about you.” Truthfully, she had no idea what Shuhei said, but it was unlikely that he lied. “Especially to him. I was drunk and sad and so f*cking lonely. It was a mistake, Grimmjow. I’m sorry, okay?” Her words were desperate, thick with hopelessness.

Grimmjow’s expression was unchanging. He was bored of this conversation, still waiting for her to get out. She felt stupid. It was like he didn’t have any f*cking empathy. Everything was so cut and dry; all logic, no emotions.

It wasn’t what Grimmjow wanted to hear. He wanted her to get on her knees and beg, promising that she belonged to him. After meeting her ex, he felt bored of Hotaru. Almost like he had completed the course of her. She wasn’t worth his jealousy; wasn’t worth his commitment. Her apology meant nothing, and now, he wanted nothing more than for her to get out of the car. He knew if he waited long enough, she’d leave.

Hotaru slammed the door, tears brimming on her eyelids. f*ck Grimmjow.

She went into her apartment and threw her stuff down, unbothered by the loud echo reverberating into her ears. She threw herself into her bed, giving herself full permission to scream and cry as much as she wanted. Grimmjow was worthless and yet he somehow projected that feeling onto her. She screamed and cried and shook until her head pounded and her eyes felt like they might pop out of her head. It was good to get it all off her chest—she knew that it would never last with Grimmjow anyway.

She cried so much she felt delirious, her head light, vision spotty. It was devastating to have what you wanted in your hands, and have it forcefully taken away. Was this Shuhei’s fault or hers? She laughed to herself realizing it was neither. It was Grimmjow’s fault for being a piece of sh*t who can’t commit to anything. He would never be hers, no matter how bad she wanted it.

Desperate for comfort, she texted Shuhei:

Can you come over?

She knew she held power over him, knew that she was in the wrong just as much as Grimmjow was, but she felt desolate sitting in her room by herself.

After agreeing to come over, Hotaru texted the address and waited impatiently, hoping that Grimmjow and Shuhei wouldn’t have another interaction at their building. She curled up on her couch and stared at the door until he knocked.

“Hotaru, f*ck, I’m so sorry—” He looked small and desperate, earnestly pleading for her forgiveness. She wasn’t sure why, but she wanted to make the most of it. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He plead, searching her eyes.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him in her apartment, urgently attaching her lips to his.

“I need you.” She whispered.

He gave her a small nod and dragged his eyes all over her face, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” She said quietly, still holding onto his hand while leading him to her room.

She kissed him deeply, allowing her hands to explore the expanse of his chest, tracing over his muscles and pulling on his shirt, “Off,” She mumbled into his mouth, encouraging him to lay on the bed. She tugged her shirt off as well, revealing a piece of lingerie that was supposed to be for Grimmjow. Shuhei obeyed, even unbuckling his belt for good measure.

“Hotaru, are you sure?” He asked again, lips pink and puffy.

She was sure. In fact, she knew that there was no one else (besides Grimmjow) that she wanted so bad. He beamed in the soft light of the moon, his pale skin reflecting the beams beautifully. He was soft and gentle, and at least he’d loved her once before.

“Shuhei, I’m sure.” She offered her pinky to him as she crawled atop, straddling his hips. “I promise.” He laughed and hooked his pinky with hers. “I want you.” She whispered into his ear, grinding her hips down against his. He moaned softly, tossing his head back into the pillow.

She grinned and shimmied herself off of him, moving between his legs. With a tug, she pulled his jeans and boxers off, revealing a very pink dick, already wet with precum. She forgot how pretty his was; girthy, and not too long. She cringed as she found herself comparing it to Grimmjow’s (his was better). With a long lick up the shaft, Shuhei let out a low moan.

“f*ck,” he hissed, arching into her mouth. “I have been dreaming about this for months.”

“Oh?” Hotaru said, she took all of him into her mouth and then pulled out quickly, “You think about me that much?”

“I do—I think about you so mu—aah!”

She bottomed out once again, opening her throat as much as she could. He tasted like sweat and precum and she couldn’t get enough. Truthfully, she wanted to f*ck, but she wasn’t ready for another dick being inside of her just yet. This was the silliest rebound sex that she’d ever had, but she knew that she needed to set rules and stick to them.

“Shuhei?” She asked, looking up at him with wet eyes, licking an occasional circle around the head, “I want you to come in my mouth, okay?” He tried to sit up, but Hotaru interrupted by swallowing him again. His protests became soft whines as he twitched into her mouth, and Hotaru swallowed all of it.

By some miracle, she didn’t feel disgusting or guilty for what she did. It was just like hooking up with anyone else. She looked up at Shuhei with a grin, wiping the corners of her mouth. He was heaving, skin patchy with red, eyes blown out. It was thrilling to be the one in power.

“f*cking hell.” He breathed, leaning forward to kiss her. “Let me take care of you, okay?”

His lips were soft and his mouth tasted like popcorn again—likely from the baseball game. Hotaru suddenly felt embarrassed that he was going to see her laid bare to him. Of course, he had seen it before, but it still felt so new.

“Okay,” she sighed, crawling to the headboard, shimmying out of her shorts.

He leaned in front of her, peeling her panties off slowly, gazing lustfully at her puss*. “It’s so beautiful,” He smiled, gazing up at her, “and you’re already so wet.”

He wasted no time digging in, lapping at her cl*t with a flat tongue, squeezing onto her thighs for dear life. Hotaru was impressed at how much he had improved over the years. His fingers pumped into her lazily as he kissed her cl*t, rubbing his nose against it softly with a smile. “You’re so pretty.”

“Mm, thank you,” She arched her back, pushing her feet into the bed as he held her legs open. His tattoos were peeking

above her belly, and Hotaru could feel the coil in her stomach ready to undo.

Shuhei smiled, mere hours ago, the other man was bragging about how Hotaru was his—clearly, she was not.

“Shuhei,” She whined, screwing her eyes shut.

“I know.” He said softly, still pumping into her, “You’re doing so well. Come for me, okay?”

She whimpered and frantically dragged her puss* against his face, coming hard and fast, feeling a faint pulsing. She opened her eyes slowly, hoping that she wouldn’t feel crippling guilt.

“You’ve gotten better.” She said with a smile as Shuhei climbed up to meet her with a kiss. It tasted like both of them mixed together.

He smiled softly, “Have I?”

“Mhm,” Her body felt like it was melting into the mattress, “I bet you practiced on a bunch of blonde girls with huge boobs, didn’t you?”

Shuhei stiffened, “What the f*ck, Hotaru?”

She didn’t mean for it to come out like that. She was under the impression that they were passed the Rangiku thing; that she could crack jokes about it. Evidently, she was still delirious from earlier that night.

“Jesus, I’m so sorry.” She said with a laugh, still in a haze from her org*sm. “That was a stupid thing to say, wasn’t it?”

He was still not amused, “Yeah, no sh*t.”

She traced the outline of his tattoos dreamily, “We probably shouldn’t do this again, right?”

“Probably not.” He replied, peppering her neck with kisses, “But I’m so glad it happened.”

“Me too.” She said with a smile.

Shuhei left without a complaint or question about what happened after the game. Hotaru was sure he was just grateful that he was the one who was victorious that evening. She was all too aware that it was stupid to f*ck her ex, but deep down, she knew it was going to happen eventually.

This she would keep from Rangiku. Now that she was pregnant, Hotaru knew she’d be too busy to deal with such trivial issues. Plus, it wasn’t really like they had gone all the way.

Even so, later that night, she dreamed that it was Grimmjow who was eating her out, wishing that he was here with her to keep her and her thoughts company. She convinced herself it was okay to fantasize about him at least once—reassuring herself that it was too soon to not think about him. It was okay this one time to reach under the blankets and let her imagination run wild, knowing that truly, Shuhei could not satisfy her like Grimmjow could.

Chapter 14: I Don't Smoke

Chapter Text

Grimmjow’s drive home was quiet. No music, windows rolled up, craving an understanding of what happened tonight.

The night sky felt like his deliverance, offering him the only peace he could find. The roads were quiet and dark, street lights passing overhead, their warm glow casting protection over the roads.

Grimmjow felt anything but comfort. He had never felt so desperate for personal space as he did a few hours ago. Like he was trapped, needing to claw his way out. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t have essentially broken up with her just to get her out of the car, but he needed to breathe. He didn’t mean for it to go down that way. It wasn’t supposed to end in burning flames. Rather, the plan was to go back to his apartment and spend the weekend together. Their time was actually enjoyable, much to his surprise. But it was all f*cked to hell now.

The feelings were all so unfamiliar, but the further he drove, the more he realized that he still wanted to be with her. He thought about turning around, but he knew this was a time where he’d have to use his words rather than picking her up and f*cking her until she forgot it ever happened.

The problem was he didn’t want to use his words.

This was her fault in the first place! He was only reacting to her bullsh*t in the best way he knew how: not acknowledging that it stung.

Instead, he opted to give her space for the night. They both needed to calm down. More than that, Grimmjow needed to think this through (as much as he hated that). It was annoying! It was true that he was put off by what happened tonight. His initial feeling was to ghost Hotaru and go back to finding random women at bars, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wasn’t used to this type of attachment and it irked him.

He unlocked his apartment and showered in silence, still plagued by thoughts of the night. He didn’t regret what he said to her ex, not one bit, but he did regret his words to Hotaru. That could’ve been her last straw, although he seriously doubted it. He was well aware of the power he held over her. He smiled to himself at the thought of darkening her doorstep after a few months, telling her to forget about what happened, and her falling back into the same routine with him. As easy as that would be, he knew he needed to do better than that.

Pulling out his phone, he thought about texting her. What would he say? “Sorry I broke up with you. I was jealous”? He growled to himself and shut the lights off. This was a problem for another day—he had done enough thinking for the night.

The following day, Hotaru was firmly planted beside the toilet.

It didn’t take long before it was nothing but bile that she was retching, nothing but green fluid emptying itself from her stomach. She was so stupid! What the f*ck was she thinking? At the very least, she felt comfort in telling Shuhei that it shouldn’t happen again. That she was right about: it could not f*cking happen again. Her thoughts were plagued by images of Shuhei between her legs, his grey eyes gazing into her very soul. f*ck! She wanted to curl into a ball and die.

There was nothing she could do. She couldn’t call Rangiku, she couldn’t talk to Grimmjow—she could text Shuhei to come back over, but the resentment was running a little on the heavy side with him. She sat still for hours, repeating everything that happened, wondering what she could’ve done to fix it. She placed the blame on Grimmjow, placed the blame on Shuhei, but ultimately, she was the one who let him in. She was the one who told him to come in her mouth.

She laughed to herself as she thought of how Grimmjow would react to this. He lost his sh*t at a kiss, but this was on a whole other level. The idea of texting him and telling him enticed her, but that was a truly deranged thought. Thinking about Grimmjow made her stomach churn all over again, causing her lurch into the toilet once again.

She needed food to ebb the pain, and greasy breakfast food would do the trick. Breakfast made her think of Grimmjow, and she cried into her coffee. The people sitting around her looked concerned, so she shoveled her food into her mouth as fast as she could.

“Sorry,” she said to the waitress with a sniffle, mouth full and eyes actively leaking tears, “I got dumped last night. I’ll take the check.”

She recalled the last time they “broke up”, and praised herself for not drinking the pain away. This felt harder. Lonelier.

How long until Grimmjow also rebounded? She had no right to be mad because she was sure she beat his record. The thought of that made her feel sick all over again and she sat down, breathless. Naturally, she listened to breakup music, trying her hardest to purge every feeling she had in one day. The songs force-fed her the appropriate feelings, validating everything she was enduring.

Her phone lit up with a text from Rukia.

Rukia: Do you want to come to the fair with Renji and I tonight?

It would be nice to escape the all-consuming loneliness for a night. She sighed deeply, wiping the tears off her face, ignoring the burn on her overly-sensitive skin.

Hotaru: Yes!! What time are you going?

Hotaru hummed to herself. Rukia never invited her anywhere. Rukia and Hotaru hadn’t spent much time together. She and Renji had been attached in the same way that Gin and Rangiku were, but Rukia was reserved, so it was hard to get to know her. Nevertheless, Hotaru was overjoyed to spend time with her.

She went home, showered, and made her way to the fair. After purchasing her ticket, the loneliness set in once again, and she found a bench to sit at and cry, allowing the fat tears to drop without wiping them. At this point, they were becoming a permanent part of her face. The sun was starting to set, and the light emitted golden rays that lit the fair up with a dazzling glow. The lights of the rides were gorgeous, and the smell of fried food was sending Hotaru to a warm and fuzzy place—finally relaxing, she let out a long sigh.

“Hotaru!” Rukia called, rushing over. She was wearing a t-shirt dress with pins in her hair. Renji trailed behind her, carrying a jacket Hotaru could only assume was for Rukia in case she got cold.

“Hey guys!” She said, far too cheery. It was obvious that she had been crying.

“Oh, Hotaru,” Rukia’s voice full of pity, reached for Hotaru’s hand, “what happened?”

Hotaru let out a wet laugh and waved her hand, “Nothing! I got dumped last night and sort of rebounded with Shuhei, but it’s really nothing!” She didn’t mean to say that, but it fell off of her lips easily.

“Oh!” Rukia said with a gasp. “Well, I’m especially glad we invited you!”

“Me too!” Hotaru replied with a tight smile. “It’s just what the doctor ordered.”

“Good for you for being so honest.” Renji chimed in with a genuine gleam in his eyes, his hand earnestly placed on Hotaru’s shoulder.

“Thank you guys. I haven’t told anyone else yet, but I feel better getting it off my chest.” She cringed, “Also, please don’t Rangiku.”

They laughed, “Okay, we won’t, but she’s gonna find out somehow, some way, so you better tell her.” Rukia said.

Hotaru would face that later.

The three of them walked around, taking in the warm Summer air. The Abarai family brought out a silly side in Hotaru that felt freeing. She ate a turkey leg and went on the rides that would normally be embarrassing. She screamed and laughed and wasted money on bullsh*t prizes, but she couldn’t remember having a better time at the fair.

The fair was usually too loud and bright for Hotaru, but she embraced it and enjoyed the feeling of so many other people around her. She wasn’t as alone as she thought. They pet stinky animals and tasted the local honey, listened to live music and when Rukia asked if they wanted to get their faces painted, Hotaru didn’t think twice about getting a tiger, knowing damn well that the paint would stain.

She felt silly, yes, but she was happy.

“Guys?” Hotaru asked, watching Rukia and Renji share a funnel cake. “Why did you invite me out of the blue?”

Rukia looked stunned and Renji eyed her. “Uh,” Rukia said, “first, because we miss you.” They both nodded solemnly. “We don’t see you nearly enough. But also…because Rangiku suggested inviting you. She said since she’s pregnant now, you might try to isolate yourself.”

Rukia was always a champ when it came to honesty.

“Hm,” Hotaru said, parroting their nod, “she isn’t wrong. I do feel like I need to back off because she’s doing more important stuff. I know I shouldn’t, I just…” She chewed the inside of her cheek, choosing her next words carefully, “I just don’t want to be a bother to all the couples.”

“Lucky for you, you aren’t a bother to anyone! We love you, idiot!” Rukia said with a smile, Renji nodded, chewing on the fried bread.

Hotaru felt relieved, but it wouldn’t change how she felt. All of her friends were paired off. All of them. And here she was, blowing her ex.

On the ferris wheel, Hotaru felt a slight ache in her belly. The music playing distantly, the clear view of happy couples, and the romantic lighting were the catalyst and Hotaru knew it was time to go home.

“Are you sure you don’t want a ride home?” Renji asked, his chin placed on the crown of Rukia’s head. “We really don’t mind!”

“Oh my god, no!” She waved her hand. She was beyond ready to be alone and let the floodgates open. “Thank you guys for tonight! I needed this.” Her throat was constricting. If she uttered another sentence, she was going to cry. She gave them a quick hug and waved goodbye, “I’ll see you guys later! Drive safe and thanks again!”

She nearly sprinted to the nearest bus stop. It was time to get home as soon as possible and cry her eyes out. Nights like these were where Grimmjow came in handy. He made her forget that she was without what she wanted; he made her feel whole, even if it was for a little while.

Her apartment was sad to say the least. It was deathly quiet and stale, the colors seemed dull now. She wasn’t sure if she even lived there anymore. She flung her bag onto the couch and flopped down. This was going to be a long process, and she knew it was going to be rough. When did she become so dependent?

“I can handle this.” She whispered to herself, over and over until she was so tired she couldn’t form another thought. “I can handle this.”

The following week was hell.

Each morning, she felt like a zombie, peeling herself out of bed, lugging herself into the shower—putting on clothes felt like lifting weights. She wanted to sit naked on her bed for days. She contemplated calling out, but what would she do at home? Sit and rot. She wanted to sit and rot, but she figured she could do that at work. Her work performance suffered, but she couldn’t bring herself to give a f*ck.

Why was it so much harder this time around? Her and Grimmjow had stopped talking so many times before this. Why now?

She knew why—she was pissed because she had him in her clutches, and she f*cked it all up. She had him! She was almost free of her curse of being the solo friend. It was all gone. She checked her phone at least every five minutes, making sure he didn’t text her; her ringer was on at full volume, even at work, and she checked regularly to make sure his contact didn’t have the three dots like he was typing. God, she missed him.

Unfortunately, in all of her phone-checking, she caught Shuhei typing a few times. One more thing for her to check.

Thursday night, 5:46, Shuhei texted,

Shuhei: Hi, please don’t block me again for saying this. I need to get this off my chest or I might die. I know you probably feel weird about it. I feel weird too. I have a feeling you regret it, but I don’t. Even so, I won’t ever bring this up again if you don’t want. I want to be your friend if we can.

After no response, he texted again at 6:01,

Shuhei: I’m sorry if this is weird. I feel so f*cking stupid. I just really don’t want you to hate me again.

Oh.

Hotaru chewed on her nails, unable to look at anything other than her phone. Even when the train arrived at her stop, she was still glued to it. She set her things down, setting her phone in the center of the counter and hovering around it like it was a campfire keeping her warm.

She bit the bullet,

Hotaru: Hey! If I’m being completely honest, I feel weird too. I was in a weird headspace and I’m so sorry for putting you in that position. Don't worry though, I don't hate you :)

She sighed, pacing back and forth, chewing the dead skin off her lips. Her phone dinged and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

Shuhei: I promise you put me in a great position. I’m glad you don’t hate me :)

Hotaru’s skin felt hot. Fundamentally, she did regret it, but if she was being honest with herself, she’d do it again. A part of her wished she could find out just how much he’s improved since they dated.This needed to stop or she’d end up exactly where she was this weekend.

She had also received a text from Rangiku. Some of the only communication they had in a few days. Hotaru tried not to take it personally.

Rangiku 👩❤️💋👩: Gin and I are going up to the mountains this weekend to visit his old boss for a wedding, so no dinner :( I’m sorry.

Another lonely weekend ahead! No problem! Hotaru felt anxiety in her chest but still responded in kind,

Hotaru: Have fun!!! Love you <3 <3

Friday was better. It had almost been a week of healing, and she was proud of herself for not doing anything reckless. Was she temped to text Grimmjow? Yes. Every single minute. She wanted to text him about what happened with Shuhei, she wanted to text him a nude, she wanted to text him a two paragraph apology, she wanted to text him a confession of love. All of these were drafted and ready to be copied and sent, but she didn’t and that was all that mattered. If this were a year ago, she would have done all of them in the same text.

In the spirit of freeness, she took a stroll and wound up in the corner store beneath her apartment. The fluorescent lights and the light buzz from the freezers always call for bad decision making, so Hotaru purchased a beer and a pack of cigarettes in honor of Grimmjow; an attempt to keep him with her in some way.

She leaned against a wall and sparked a flame, inhaling deeply. The buzz of the nicotine mixed with the smoke reminded her of the taste of his mouth. His mouth that was so warm on her lips. In between her thighs. She had his mouth memorized, could recall every one of his teeth, the shape of his tongue.

Her head felt light and it was nearly becoming unbearable. She missed him. She wanted him. She took another drag and smiled to herself, playing over the scenarios. The mix of beer and nicotine was clouding her judgement, and frankly she was thrilled.

What if?

She smiled again, tossing the beer can, already walking to the train station.

Her heart was beating rapidly, threatening to drown out all sound around her. She’s stupid, but goddamn was she feeling alive.

She swallowed and knocked, not allowing herself to think twice.

The peephole darkened, the lock clicked, the handle turned, the door opened.

He stood.

“What are you doing here?”

He stood so tall, so shirtless, so flushed. Was she actually expected to form a sentence in this moment? Why didn’t she think to plan this out? Since when does Grimmjow wear shorts?

“I...” She stared at his body, wishing she had never met Shuhei, “I smoked a cigarette—and…uh,” she gulped, and it tasted like you,“can I come in?”

He stepped aside, eyes trailing up and down her body, “Sure.”

She whipped around to face him, sucking in a deep breath of air. “Listen to me very closely because I came here on a whim and I hope I don’t regret it.”

He gave a small nod and sat on the arm of the couch. He looked too f*cking good. She might puke.

“That night…” Her words failed her several times, but she gathered the courage. “After you left I was so f*cking angry with you. I was angry and sad and I wanted to make you jealous.” She laced the last word with malice, staring him in his eyes. “It’s stupid, but we were both stupid that night.”

“Spit it out.” He said impatiently.

She leveled her tone and held on tight. No matter what he said or did, she could take it, “My ex came over.”

He tensed from his jaw down to his stomach. “He what?”

“Do not start.” She spat. “You broke up with me.”

Grimmjow laughed. Loud and brash, tossing his head back, the column of his neck displaying his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “So if you f*cked your ex, why the f*ck are you at my apartment?”

“Because,” She was barely able to meet his seething gaze, the vulnerability fighting to stay inside, “I want you.” Her fingernail beds were raw from nervously picking at them.

“What makes you think I want you?” He spat back at her.

She squared her shoulders, “Is that your response?”

He raised his eyebrows, repeating himself sternly, “What makes you think that I want you after he’s had you?”

“You’re f*cking sick in the head, Grimmjow.” She shot back. “You know what? I’m glad you know. I actually wanted to text you the night of and rub it in because there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop it.” The words spilled out on accident. It wasn’t true. She came here to beg for forgiveness, hopeful that he would scoop her up and take her back. “I let him cum in my mouth because you were jealous of him and clearly my plan is working perfectly.”

He hated that.

“You think that matters to me?” His voice raised and Hotaru was thrilled to get a rise out of him. This was all going according to plan. She wanted him to fume. “You think I f*cking care about who c*ms in your mouth?” He barked another laugh.

“I know you do.” She stated, flipping her hair over her shoulder casually.

“I should put you on your hands and knees and choke you with my co*ck until I’m shooting blanks, sending you home without so much as touching you and you’ll see how much I f*cking care.” He was off the couch now, approaching her slowly. “I’ve filled you with more than any man ever could. Maybe I’ll spit in your mouth until you can’t taste anything else, marked by me forever.”

Hotaru was warm. He was getting closer and closer, the air tense and thick. Hotaru backed up into a wall, heat creeping up her face.

She gritted her teeth, “Maybe you should.”

He stood in front of her, chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. “Is this a game to you?”

“You act like you don’t care, but you’re a f*cking jealous freak.” She offered a tight smile, “If you don’t want other people to touch me, maybe don’t dump me for stupid sh*t. God, you’re so emotionally immature and you make it everyone else’s problem.” She scoffed, tossing her hands in the air, “No wonder you don’t date.”

It was obvious that Grimmjow was growing tired of this argument.

“Whatever,” Hotaru started again, “I’m gonna go.”

He grabbed her arm. “Why do you always have so much sh*t to say?”

“Because, Grimmjow,” She stood firm, feigning patience, “I have to convey my feelings like a normal f*cking adult.”

“Oh sure, because f*cking your ex is so mature, right?”

That was a good point.

She conceded, “You’re right. And that’s why I’m here.” She looked at her feet and back up at him, realizing this is possibly the most insecure she’s ever felt around him. Sure, he was immature, but she was plain stupid. She repeated her previous words in a small whisper, “I want you.” What she wanted to say was: I love you. But that was stupider than inviting Shuhei over.

Grimmjow’s scowl softened and he lifted Hotaru’s chin with his finger. He mimicked the softness in her voice, “You expect me to be okay with what you did, huh?”

She froze, already melting into his touch. She was prepared to do anything. Anything.

“I need you to be.” She said softly, her fingers aching to touch him, eyes studying his face, drinking in every detail of his face. It was like the first few times they slept together. She wanted to look at him. Take all of his beauty in. The flecks in his eyes were nearly swallowed by his pupils that were blown out with either anger or passion, Hotaru couldn’t tell. “I only belong to you.”

His long limbs still attached to hers, his bare arms effortlessly flexing. He heard what he needed to hear. “Go into the room and get undressed.”

“Grimmjow,” She protested. Was he really indulging her?

“Did I say you can speak?” He raised his eyebrows. “I thought you belonged to me?”

She nodded solemnly and walked to his room. It was silly, but she felt a weight fall off her shoulders. She was getting what she wanted. It wasn’t guaranteed that she had him back, but she had him in her clutches. Grimmjow had always been the one with power, but Hotaru, by some miracle, had sunken her claws into this man who was admittedly someone she thought she could never pull.

Hotaru moseyed into Grimmjow’s familiar space. The plush bedspread was messy, sheets and duvet pulled up, his phone on his bedside table like he was just laying in there. Was he really in bed already? She gasped. Was someone just in here before her? She spun around to confront Grimmjow, just to run right into him.

“What did I just tell you?” He asked impatiently, his jaw twitching.

“Did you just have someone here?” She growled, acting more brave than she really was.

(He did not).

He grinned, “What business is that of yours, cheater?”

“Oh, f*ck off.”

“Take your clothes off or I’m gonna kick you out.” He sat down on the corner of his bed, smile still plastered on his face like a menace.

Hotaru obeyed, shedding her clothes off like it was her job. She blushed at how normal her underwear were—a plain bra and panties that was assuredly not sexy. She wiggled out of them, kicking everything to the side as he watched. It was strange, feeling so watched as she stood naked in front of him. His approval was all she wanted. She craved it.

His grin remained unmoving as he took her in greedily.

“You’re lucky you’re so hot.” He said under his breath.

Grimmjow’s clothes (save for his bare chest) were still on. He wanted Hotaru to feel small, make her feel like he was doing her a favor by letting him see her naked body. Hotaru would agree with that. She was stationary, awaiting her next order.

“I could say the same about you.” She chided with a nervous smile, trying to get a rise out of him.

“You should probably watch your mouth.” He smiled, “I’m wondering how to have you. Maybe I’ll f*ck you in your ass so you won’t be able to come at all.”

Hotaru felt heat shoot from her cheeks down to her puss*. As much as that would hurt, it did sound appealing. Anything he gave her, she could take.

“Then again,” He leaned back into the bed, his bulge on full display, “I know you’d like that too much.”

Hotaru took this as an opportunity to move closer to him, eyeing the button and zipper on his shorts.

“Let me touch you,” Her voice was raspy, mouth watering. “I need to touch you.”

In one movement, he sat up and grabbed her wrist, pulling her on the bed. “Nope. Hands and knees. Now.”

Hotaru was quick to comply, arching her back entirely to give Grimmjow full display. While Grimmjow was acting strong, he was quickly unraveling at the sight of her entire puss* arranged like a bouquet made just for him. His co*ck told him to slide right in, but he wanted her to beg. “You’re gonna stay on hands and knees until I tell you to move, okay baby?”

She whimpered and Grimmjow tsked, running his tongue over his teeth in disapproval.

“No, ma’am.” He ran his hand over her thigh with a gentleness that made her entire body buzz, grazing one finger next to her puss*. “Tell me yes.”

“Yes—yes, yes, please just touch me.” At this point, the air on her bare puss* was making her wet.

“Good girl.”

Grimmjow continued to brush his fingers along the edges of her puss*, eliciting low whines and begs from Hotaru. She felt like she would die if he didn’t touch her soon. His attention was intoxicating. The small groans from him was enough to make her come on the spot. f*ck stimulation. Her kink was his voice, the cells that his hands were made up of. Her face was smooshed into his pillow. It smelled like him. The smell was so good.

She heard maneuvering behind her after another few minutes of his torturous “touching” and felt him lick a stripe up her entire puss*. She gripped down on nothing, whining at the emptiness.

“f*ck!” She yelped, arching her back so much that it was hurting. He laughed and blew cold air onto the wet skin, drawing out another wail from Hotaru. This was actual torture.

“You’re not getting off easy, baby girl.”

“Grimmjow, I swear I didn’t do anything worthy of this—ah!” He laughed and slid one finger inside of her literal dripping puss*. He pumped twice and pulled it out, blowing more cold air onto her.

“You didn’t? Because I think you deserve worse.” She could hear the smile on his face.

“You’re evil.” She said into the pillow, drool sticking to her face.

“Fine.” He said into her nape, planting a hard smack on her ass. “I’ll give you what you want. Don’t you dare move, baby.”

She whined into the pillow again, still drunk off the scent of him.

Then he plowed into her.

She screeched.

He f*cked her harder than he ever has, unrelenting and possessive, pulling her hair, stroking her neck, completely and utterly obsessed with her. Hotaru couldn’t tell her left from her right, completely lost in the feeling of his raw co*ck going in and out of her. It could’ve been minutes, hours, days—she didn’t know. The pleasure had her dazed, completely fulfilled. The stretch was so familiar and all she could feel was warmth between her legs.

She sought the warmth, eager for some relief, only for her hand to be grabbed by the man behind her.

“You’re not touching yourself. You haven’t earned that yet.” He said into her ear.

Her skin wept. Hair stuck to her forehead, her back, his chest. His sheets had become a sponge, only meant to soak up every drop of liquid they spilled. It was positively disgusting in that room.

“What if I came inside of you right now, huh? Sent you home to cry to that stupid f*ck about how he’ll never make you feel this good?” He spoke between thrusts, breathless and heavy words spilling from his lips. He pulled her hair, craning her neck to meet her eyes. It was becoming a competition now. Grimmjow wanted to show Hotaru that she could never find anything as good. “You’re mine, aren’t you? Doesn’t matter what happens, you’ll always be mine. Isn’t that right?”

Hotaru was teetering the line of insanity. She could barely hear what he was saying because the blood was pulsing so loud in her ears. She could only moan and say “yes, baby”.

“That’s right, baby.” His voice dropped to something simulating sweetness. He kissed her ear. “You’re mine.”

With that, he moved his hand between her legs and rubbed sweet circles until she gripped down so hard he thought he might come.

“Grimmjow—I’m gonna—” She said through gasps and he purred in her ear, offering her encouragement.

“You’ll never replace me.” He said sweetly as she whined, body finally giving out beneath him. She gasped for air, body feeling like lead. Grimmjow didn’t care. After peeling himself off her, he rolled her over and kissed down her body, stark blue eyes gazing up at her.

“Grimmjow,” She said softly, blissed out, “I can’t go another week without you. I’m sorry.”

He grinned at her and latched his lips to her puss*. He was quick to unravel her yet again. He was right: he was irreplaceable. He crawled back up to her mouth and kissed her voraciously, cherishing every breath she let out. She was his. Her ex could not compare and he knew that.Hotaru, similarly, was beginning to hate Shuhei. Her wishes fell into place: her and Grimmjow against the world.

As they kissed, Grimmjow slid his fingers between her legs again, pulling another easy org*sm from her. Grimmjow wasn’t ready to stop, although he knew he was close.

“Let me get on top,” She gasped after their lips detached. “Please.”

"Wait," He said, placing one more kiss on her forehead, "open your mouth." Her jaw unlatched, open for him to do whatever he pleased. He grabbed her hair and tilted her chin up, spitting directly into her mouth. "Swallow." She did. "You're lucky I kissed you at all after what you did."

Hotaru nodded and felt like she was going to lose her mind. "Thank you."

She straddled him and dragged her skin along his co*ck, whining absolute filth into his ears, singing his praise, tugging on his hair, trying to milk him for all he’s worth. What did him in thought was a soft whisper, barely audible: “You’re so much better than him.”

He whined, arching his up to meet hers as he spilled inside of her. “f*ck, Hotaru!”

After that, they looked at each other for awhile, not saying any words. It was always strange coming down from sex like that. Hotaru felt positively high,blissed out and in love with Grimmjow. It was when she started trying to read him that she felt insecure.

“Maybe I should head home?” Hotaru dared to ask, testing the waters, terrified that he would agree.

“Change my sheets and you can stay.” He said with a hint of a smile.

They were gonna be okay.

The next morning, Hotaru got a call from Rangiku.

She quickly rolled out of bed, cursing Rangiku for calling her and pulling her away from Grimmjow.

Her voice was troubled, low and scared, “Hotaru, it’s an emergency.”

“What happened?” She paced around his living room, glancing at his entertainment stand idly, taking in all the strange books he had. One was about finances and she nearly snorted.

“Our battery somehow died.” Hotaru could tell she was shooting Gin a dirty look, “And we’re like literally stranded at this random bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere. Can you please come get us? Towing a car all this way is gonna be too expensive.”

“Yes! Of course, text me your location.”

“Okay, but it’s like, 4 hours away. Are you sure?”

Hotaru flinched, but pressed on. “Yes, idiot! I can’t leave you stranded. Give me a few hours, I’m…not at my apartment.”

Rangiku giggled, “Ask your boyfriend if he’ll come with you. You could use some company. I’ll send you the location right now. Love you!”

“Love you, too.”

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Hotaru slid back into Grimmjow’s bedroom to see him still very asleep.

“Hey,” She whispered, rubbing circles on his bare shoulders, climbing on the bed. “Grimmjow,” She kissed his forehead gently.

“Hm?”

“Wanna go on a roadtrip with me?” It was a half joke, but worth a try. She kissed his neck softly, sucking his scent into her lungs, “Rangiku and Gin are broken down a few hours away. I’ll drive. And buy you food.”

“Okay,” He mumbled into his pillow, “give me a few to get ready.”

“Grimmjow, did you hear me correctly?” Surely he wasn’t agreeing to this. “It’s like four hours away. So eight hours total. With me. In the car.”

He pinned her down beneath him, nearly smiling, “I said I would, okay? Let’s go shower, cheater.”

Chapter 15: Paris

Chapter Text

Hotaru sat hunched over on Grimmjow’s bed, frantically texting her friends, copying and pasting the same message, sweating from the desperation. Clearly she had blinders on because she didn’t hear the voice calling out to her.

“Oi, I’m talking to you!”

Her head shot up from her phone and she looked at Grimmjow fresh out of the shower. He was drying off, ruffling his hair haphazardly. Hotaru urged him to shower alone while she took care of things.

She didn’t need to look down to know his bare dick was out. (Of course, she still snuck a peek.)

“What?” She hissed, annoyed by the interruption, ignoring the warmth in her cheeks.

“I thought you didn’t have a car.” He was pulling on clothes casually, eyeing Hotaru occasionally as she floundered for an explanation.

She spoke quickly, glancing at her phone every few seconds, “Usually I’d borrow Rangiku’s car, but as we know she is indisposed at the moment. Then I’d ask Orihime, but I guess her and Ichigo are out of town too. So right now, I’m going through my entire contact list begging one of my friends to let me borrow their car. Unfortunately that also means I’m going to have to take the train to get there so I’m worried that Rangiku is going to have to wait even longer before I can get to her and she’s pregnant and Gin is a deva so again,” she paused for breath, “You definitely do not have to join me because this is becoming a huge fiasco.”

Grimmjow clasped his pants and tossed Hotaru one of his shirts, “We’ll take my car then. Hurry up and get dressed.”

His tone was so casual, so care-free.

Surely he was being sarcastic.

“I—I need to shower first.”

“Okay? Hurry up.”

Hotaru was quick to shower, decisively not putting on makeup, but still worried about Grimmjow’s perception of her without it. She was bare faced with circles under her eyes and wet hair. Confirming that he didn’t care, he tilted her chin up and placed a soft kiss on her lips as if to say I still forgive you. Hotaru felt a chill go up her spine, heat rising up to the tips of her ears. God, she wanted to skip out on Rangiku and stay home with him.

“I’m ready.” She said shyly, unsure of how this trip was going to unfold.

It was terrifying being trapped in the car with him for so long. She was elated, definitely, but the silence nearly swallowed them whole. Grimmjow listened to music quietly and paid close attention to the roads while Hotaru quickly ran out of things to do on her phone. She received a few responses from her friends, confirming or denying car use, and she busied herself responding to each of them: it’s taken care of, thanks. She played out all the scenarios in which Grimmjow didn’t agree to come. It would be a long, boring trip. She’d pick up Gin and Rangiku and go back to feeling sad sooner or later, but now—now she had him here to keep her company.

“Did you grow up around here?” Hotaru asked, hoping for some casual conversation.

“Nah, I moved pretty far away for college. I got a scholarship here.”

His answers were always succinct. Hotaru wanted to give up and return to their silence, but she pressed on.

“How’d you and Ichigo meet?” She watched as the trees faded in and out of her vision, glancing at the people in the surrounding cars.

There was a faint blush on his cheeks, “My scholarship was in baseball. I played really well in high school so I got a free ride. The team in college was tough, but I made my way up to first baseman. Our team was actually pretty good.” He laughed to himself, eyes still trained on the road, “So Ichigo came in a few years after me, but he absolutely lit the team up. He was so f*cking good. Better than me. I knew because of that, we were gonna butt heads. We fought at every practice and our coach hated that sh*t. So we were sent off to work out our differences, which we never did. We did a few ‘exercises’ together, but it solved nothing. Both of us too f*ckin’ stubborn. So, we made a deal that we’d suck it up for the team, but we still couldn’t stand each other.” He laughed again. “We hated each other until I graduated and now I tolerate him.”

“The two of you seemed really close when we last saw him.” She smiled to herself, thinking about how Ichigo revealed that Grimmjow might like her.

Now he was smug, “We hang out sometimes.”

She smiled softly, not trying to hide the adoration in her eyes, “What were you like in college?”

He glanced at her quickly, “Pretty much the same as I am now. Probably more of a dickhe*d back then.”

A cackle escaped her, “More? No way!”

“I would’ve never been seen twice with the same girl in my car.”

She knew what he was getting at, “So I take it you didn’t have a girlfriend?”

“I thought you knew me better than that.” His tone was teasing.

They were getting into dangerous territory talking about college flings. She did not want to bring up Shuhei at all, but she wanted to know more about Grimmjow. He was a tough nut to crack, but she had nothing but time on her hands.

“So now you’d be seen with a girl twice?”

“I’m with you, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, but are you with me?” She knew she was pushing her luck.

Grimmjow let out a scoff-huff and gripped the steering wheel tighter. The noise made Hotaru physically cringe, regretting she had ever said anything at all. It was the sort of conversation that she was itching to have, constantly waiting for the right opportunity, like a man waiting to propose—the ring burning a hole in his pocket.

His cheeks were a soft shade of pink, and Hotaru couldn’t tell if that was from anger or nerves. She always assumed the former. “Are you asking if we’re dating?”

“I guess,” She replied noncommittally, her throat dry, scared that it would blow up in her face. There were still hours remaining. Her throat was opening and closing, heart beating into her ears like a drum.

He was silent and she was impatient.

“Is my commitment not enough for you?” He asked. It sounded like his throat was tight too.

She wanted to be angry. Wishing she could start a fight, throwing accusations at him and begging for him at the same time. She sat silently for a while, battling with herself about how to respond. His commitment had to be enough, because that’s all she would ever get. She’s always known that he was the type to hate “labels”, but there was also comfort in knowing they could never truly break up. Grimmjow would not be her boyfriend, and he certainly would not be her husband despite her fantasies that put her to sleep every night. He was just hers, nothing more, maybe (probably) something less.

“It’s enough.” She mumbled in defeat, picking at the hem of her shorts. The long drive made her skin feel greasy, the clothes she picked out were starting to get uncomfortable. “I’m gonna close my eyes for a bit if that’s okay?”

“Sure.”

Hotaru rested her head on the heel of her hand, allowing the dull sound of the road to lull her to sleep. She found comfort in his presence, knowing he would keep them safe–and if he didn’t, she’d die happy at least.

She thought of Grimmjow in college, young and difficult, in desperate need of a woman’s rearing. She smiled to herself, fantasizing about how she could’ve fixed him: the star athlete. She made a mental note to ask Orihime if she knew anything about Ichigo’s baseball days.

Grimmjow stole occasional glances at the peaceful woman beside him. Her body faced the window, legs tucked carefully away from him–he yearned to rest his hand on her thigh, silently cursing her for being so far away. Her mouth was slightly ajar, hand holding her cheek so high that it was sure to leave a mark. She looked so cute and he wished that they were still back at his place, his arms wrapped around her soft waist, placing gentle kisses into her hair. Everything about her was so inviting and he still couldn’t place when this all began. It was probably her sharp tongue paired with her biblical need to worship him like a god.

He waited patiently for her to wake up, fighting (and losing against) the urge to grin when she let out small snores. Could he commit? He sighed so loud that Hotaru stirred and he was met with a pair of doe eyes, indents from her palm on her face.

“How long was I out?” Her voice was groggy.

Grimmjow grinned, “We’ve got about 30 minutes left.”

“f*ck,” She hissed, “That’s so embarrassing.”

“Nah, you looked cute.”

Hotaru felt a strong glow in her chest so she reached over and linked her fingers in Grimmjow’s free hand.

The last stretch of road was filled with Hotaru explaining how her, Rangiku, and Gin met. It definitely wasn’t asked for, but their story made her so happy she told nearly everyone she knew. More important was how Gin and Rangiku met. Their love story meant everything to her.

“Since they were twelve, huh? That’s a long time to tolerate someone.” Grimmjow deadpanned.

“Yes, you f*ck! It’s actually so beautiful and I’ve been chasing something like what they have for as long as I’ve known them.”

“Maybe that’s your problem.”

She tilted her head, “What’s that supposed to mean?” No way he was about to start an argument with 10 minutes left.

“I’m saying you’re chasing something that you’ll never have. You can’t go back to being twelve. You’re busy looking in the past.”

Once again, Grimmjow did not mince words. Hotaru clamped her mouth shut, resisting the urge to stupidly bicker when he was clearly correct. She’s always wanted this back-breaking, world-stopping love that couldn’t die because it had a foundation made of diamond and concrete with steel bars in between. Gin and Rangiku grew up together–practically raised each other. Hotaru was too late for something like that.

With an aha! laugh, she turned to Grimmjow, “You know what? You’re finally right about something.” He made no response, but she could’ve sworn that she felt him give her hand a reassuring squeeze.

By the time they arrived, the sun was nearly setting. Gin stood by their broken-down car with a bored look. Hotaru jumped out, “Where–?”

Before she could finish, he pointed at the sketchy building behind them, “I made her sit inside with the air conditioning.”

Hotaru caught a glimpse of Grimmjow hopping out of his car, ready to work. She ran inside and embraced her friend, “I’m sorry it took so long!” She put her hands on Rangiku’s tummy dramatically, “How’s my baby doing?”

“He actually came? And he drove you in his car? Holy sh*t!” Rangiku said, ignoring introductions.

“Oh my god, I know!” Hotaru laughed, “How has it been here?”

“Boring as f*ck. We tried to get literally any of the wedding guests to help us, but they all flew in. So annoying. We’ve been here the whole time–the owners have been super nice and even offered us a room and food!” She smiled, looking radiant as ever. “Gin’s been so patient. You know how much of a brat he can be.”

They watched in awe as Gin and Grimmjow jumped the car, unable to guess what they might be discussing.

“Work?” Hotaru guessed.

“No, Gin is too enthralled in this topic for it to be work.”

“Maybe they’re talking about the drive up. Grimmjow looks so focused right now.” She tried to conceal the admiration in her voice. He did look sexy when he was focused.

The four of them sat at a table, relieved to eat, each of them shoveling food into their mouths. It was a relief after all the driving, but Hotaru still couldn’t wait to get home. They ended up driving to a nearby superstore that sold batteries, lucky that they were still open. The wedding took place the next morning and the Ichimaru pair still had about three hours of driving.

Hotaru discovered what the two men were talking about: the wedding guests. Apparently some of Hotaru’s old acquaintances were going—mostly college, but she was shocked to hear that one of her old high school friends was going. Hotaru lacked an invite due to it being the wedding of Gin’s old boss, who she did not know.

“Wait, you know Nel?” Hotaru gawked. It was not-so-subtly revealed that Grimmjow knew Nelliel, who was, shocker, also invited. Nel went to high school with Hotaru and they were estranged after they graduated. She meant to keep her mouth shut because how else would Grimmjow know any woman?

“Nel and I go way back. I met her freshman year of college but she transferred after that.”

He looked a little too happy to be talking about her. Hotaru hadn’t seen photos of her lately, but it wouldn’t shock her if Nel was still strikingly gorgeous.

“Oh.” She smiled weakly, “Cool.” Rangiku shot her a quizzical look and Hotaru shook her head to dismiss it, avoiding the queasy feeling in her stomach. She decided to keep her mouth shut. It wasn’t worth digging up old history anyway. She knew where she stood. Sort of.

After dinner, they waved their goodbyes, Hotaru promising to come see the Ichimaru’s sometime soon. She faintly noticed a hand placed on the small of her back, urging her to the car. Hotaru didn’t acknowledge it. Couldn’t acknowledge it. Relief washed over her.

The ride home was romantic. The lights flashing into the car, the warm wind whipping their hair around. It was soft and gentle and she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.

“What?” He huffed, knowing damn well what.

“I’m just happy to be here with you.”

“Happy to be doing another long-ass drive?”

“Oh, shut up! Don’t you dare complain, you wouldn’t let me drive!”

He laughed at that.

She felt a pang of sadness. He wasn’t hers. She pushed the thought away, replacing it with something better.

“But seriously,” Hotaru smiled at him, strangely okay with being so vulnerable, “Anywhere I go with you feels like a fun adventure. It’s stupid, but it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist outside of us. My food tastes better when I eat with you—my skin looks better. You make me feel whole.”

Grimmjow wasn’t sure how to process that, but he found himself agreeing with most of it. The day flew by, but only because they were together. She was lively and always made sure his day was going to be interesting. He half laughed, half huffed and glanced at her, “You gonna stay over tonight?” It was his way of saying: I agree. I enjoy spending so much time with you. She looked so beautiful with the evening light glowing on her face.

“Can we stay at my place? I need to change so bad.” She whined, fidgeting with his fingers. His hands were so beautiful. She glanced up at him, flushing at the intensity of his returning gaze.

“I guess we can.”

“I also need to shower again and rinse off the feeling of being in the car all day.”

Grimmjow was confused by the comment, “Okay.”

She grinned, “Do you wanna, like, shower with me when we get home?”

He nearly flinched, his whole body tensing up. Who was he to deny such an offer?

“Obviously,” He replied casually.

The rest of the drive back was the soft melody of Grimmjow’s music in the background of Hotaru rambling on about the last book she read. Grimmjow tried to keep up, but he would never admit to her that he was listening. She told him stories about her failed attempts at hobbies, each of which he excelled at. He was a natural at everything, but he always seemed to think he was second best to someone.

Hotaru laughed, “Ichigo really humbled you, huh? I know without him, your ego would be unbearable.”

“f*ck off. He did not humble me.”

“It’s okay, baby. I know the truth.” She mocked and he yanked his hand away from her. She even spotted half of a smile on his lips. She laughed again and placed a wet kiss on his cheek, “Don’t worry. I will always think you’re the best at everything.”

She felt so happy.

They felt so right.

Before they knew it, they were home.

Chapter 16: You Are In Love

Chapter Text

After setting their things down, Hotaru wandered to her bathroom, stripping off all her clothes and turning the water on. She wanted to beat Grimmjow to the bathroom, shoving her discarded clothes in the hamper to hide them. It was a disgusting feeling and she knew a shower wasn’t going to do much to help it, but she needed to rinse off. She knew Grimmjow was going to find his way to the shower regardless.

“Goddamn it!” She whispered to herself, wiping off all the hair she could off the walls. Her shower was not clean. She huffed, feeling the weight of stress on her shoulders. Nothing could be done. Before she could process anymore, she heard the faint dropping of clothes on the bathroom floor. The curtain opened. “f*cking hell—”

His lips were on hers, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth, hungrily biting down.

“Wait, wait!” Hotaru reluctantly pulled back. “I can’t get my hair wet! I just washed it.”

Grimmjow huffed and released her, jutting his bottom lip out and staring at the ground, “You are so goddamn dramatic sometimes.” Hotaru smiled as she watched a pout form on his lips. She loved seeing him like this. Almost small. Putty in her hands. Any other man she’d been with—maybe Grimmjow a few months ago—would have thrown a fit, immediately seeing their way out of the shower.

She pulled him close to the wall, brushing her lips against his. “Come here.” His top lip linked with her bottom. Neither of them could contain their desire. It was warm, shooting to her lower stomach. She could feel Grimmjow poking her bellybutton. She grabbed his hair, pulling him closer to her, whining into his mouth. It was almost impossible to keep her composure, but she wanted to take more control this time.

“Baby, let’s rinse off and get out, okay?” She said in a soft whisper, bordering on a whine. The heat of the shower mixed with the heat between her legs was making her dizzy. Grimmjow nodded and they continued their shower, occasionally locking lips.

They barely dried off before crashing into her bed, water still rolling down her neck, skin tight from the hot water. Grimmjow’s skin was hot to the touch—flushed and sticky from newly formed sweat and not quite dry from the shower.

Hotaru rolled him onto his back, hands guiding his shoulders to lay flush against the mattress.

“Let me,” She urged, “please.”

Grimmjow obeyed, groaning into the side of her neck as she spread his legs with her knee and pumped his co*ck in her hand. He was half soft after the wait, but he blood was wasting no time rushing—the veins visibly filling Hotaru’s hand with something heavy.

“Let me take care of you, okay baby?” She whined in his ear, maintaining an excruciatingly slow pace. He rutted up into her hand, but she gave a long-suffering tsk and kissed his temple. Her voice lowered as she let go and spit in her hand, retuning it to its original place, “I want to make you whine my name tonight.” He groaned and arched his back again. “Be good for me, yeah?”

Hotaru was enjoying how sensitive he was while she took in the lay of the land: his eyes screwed shut, mouth slightly open, puffing little breaths of pleasure. She rolled her wet thumb under the head of his co*ck and grinned as he bit back a moan, “Good boy.”

Each time her hand dried, she’d spit in it again and continue her torture. A red-hot blush covered his entire body, but he was still silent save for the occasional moan or growl.

She finally released her grip on him, eliciting an angry noise of protest to which she replied with a kiss on his cheek. “You’re so worked up over a handjob. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Shut up,” he managed to say. His voice was strained and huffy. She grinned and kissed him again. He looked beautiful in the dark lighting of her bedroom, only lit by the blue light of the moon. He was practically glowing. She kissed him softly, pulling his bottom lip between her teeth. His mouth was wet and soft; it tasted like her toothpaste and his tongue.

She stuck her pointer and middle fingers in his mouth, running the pads over his teeth, memorizing each ridge, pressing up on his canines. She wanted to memorize every inch of his body; she worshipped him. He closed his lips over her fingers and sucked gently, his fiery eyes holding hers. He was so f*cking pliable.

Hotaru wondered if there was a universe where she never met Grimmjow; never got to experience this earth-shattering devotion to this man.

“You’re so easy to love.” She heard herself say as she pulled her fingers out of his mouth, and tangled them in his hair. Before he could respond, her lips were back on his, hot and passionate. In her head, she was repeating I love you, I love you, I love you over and over. She did love him. She’d lick his shoes if he asked. She loved him so much.

She used her free hand to jerk him off again, allowing herself to get lost in a fantasy:

“Will you move in with me?” He’d ask, “I know it’s soon, but I want to wake up next to you every day.”He’d be vulnerable, his cheeks tinted pink. His voice would be soft.

She would. Of course she would.

They’d move into his apartment. It’s only one bedroom, but it’s spacier. She could make a home out of it. They’d move everything themselves, laughing at how sweaty they are in the Summer heat. Grimmjow would order them pizza and they’d sip beers on the floor.

She moaned into his mouth. His lips were sticky with dried spit. She moved to his neck, kissing up it, grazing her teeth against the skin.

“Your sweat tastes so good, baby.” She whispered in his ear. His breaths were heavy and warm as Hotaru tossed one leg over his waist. “Let me f*ck you now, okay?”

He did.

He slid in easy. She was still sensitive from the night before, but somehow that made it better. She was downright sore. “Baby,” She groaned involuntarily. Sure, she’s doing the work, but she couldn’t make the ridges of his co*ck glide against her insides without his help. She fell into a steady pace, gazing into his turbulent eyes. She would lift up ever so slightly as he arched his back into her, trying his best to take control. “No, no,” She’d tsk, her hand splayed across his chest, “it’s my turn.” It was easy for her to get creative with how she tilted her hips, grinding up and forward. She practically glowed. He belonged to her right now.

Grimmjow was truly stupefied; dazed out of his mind, drunk on the warmth of the inside of a woman. The inside of a woman that he felt a strange, almost violent, admiration for. The walls of confusion and frustration, coupled with denial, were crumbling after each day they spent together. He wanted to have her around. He realized this feeling was nothing new, but rather unveiling itself clear as day as she gripped down on him. “Grimmjow,” She whined. And he knew she was gonna come. He had memorized each of her tells. Something he had never done before.

Surely this is all coincidence.

She pulls his hair, breasts bouncing in his face and he thinks he might lose his mind. She was so f*cking wet. He couldn’t sit still for another second. He lifts her hips, ignoring the confused furrow in her eyebrows. “Up you go.”

“No, no,” She whines, “it’s your turn.”

“No, it’s your turn. No questions.”

She obliged.

He gently kissed down her body, soft and slow. It was tender and borderline loving. He was silent, his glowing eyes occasionally glancing up to meet hers as if to silently seek approval: does this feel good for you? His eyes were sweet and affectionate, lids soft and low.

With each precise push on her cl*t, she started to fantasize again.

This time they’d be moving out into a bigger house. “I’m pregnant.” She’d tell him. It was two years after they got married. They didn’t want to start a family quite yet—maybe not at all, but something made them pause and question if they should keep it. In this fantasy, they do. In another one, they live forever childless, existing only for themselves. They move into a suburb adjacent to Gin and Rangiku. (They’re on their second baby). Grimmjow kisses her head and holds her pregnant belly as they watch the movers buzzing around.

She arches her back, her head sinking into the pillow as she grinds her hips against his tongue. She whines, hearing the echo of her moans reverberate in her ears as she c*ms on his face.

At this point he’s panting, not trying to hide the hungry look in his eyes. He wants to f*ck her. He looks at her, unable to soften her gaze and he realizes that he doesn’t just want to f*ck her—he wants to make love to her. He wants to gaze into her eyes and feel her sticky skin against his. He wants her, not just her body. He wants to have Hotaru’s affection, not just show her how many times he is capable of making her cum. He feels something tight in his chest, but he ignores it to attach his lips to hers.

She tastes herself on his lips and moans at the thought of how close they really are. Something so intimate is adorning the lips of the man she loves. He wears it like a gloss and everyone else around them is unaware as he speaks to them.

She wraps her legs around him, encouraging him to make his way inside. She wants to envelop him in her warmth as if it was literally molded for him. To her, she was shaped perfectly for him and no other. She braced for impact, but was met with gentleness. It was sweet and slow, as if he was savoring each stroke inside of her. He whispered soft moans into her ear, vulnerability seeping off of his tongue like he was drunk.

“You’re so beautiful.” He said in-between kisses on her neck. “So pretty, especially like this.” His voice was higher than usual.

Hotaru whined into his shoulder, biting down, her saliva covering her mouth like a kiss.

“Let’s finish together, yeah?” Grimmjow panted in her ear.

With that, Hotaru bit down hard and arched her hips up to meet his pace. He sped up and slowed down quickly and she could feel the pulse of his co*ck letting go inside of her.

“Jesus christ,” She said breathlessly. “You sure know how to treat a lady.” He huffed a laugh into her neck, inhaling her scent, basking in her sweat that he was now covered in. She can’t remember the last time her ceiling looked so beautiful.

Hotaru awoke to the smell of burnt bread and scowled. She sat up, groaning at the heaviness of her body. “Grimmjow?” She called from her bed, resorting to snuggling back into her sheets. After they finished, he held her until they fell asleep, breathing softly into her hair. He kissed her goodnight and wrapped his arms around her waist. Her world felt indisputably warm.

“What?” He called back, obviously exasperated. Hotaru smiled and got up, throwing on a sleep shirt to greet him.

“Hi baby,” she chirped, gazing at him as he fiddled with her toaster. He was clad in nothing but his boxers. “Are you having trouble?”

“Your toaster is a piece of sh*t.”

“I don’t really use it because the knob is broken. It’s like playing a little game of Russian roulette.”

“Well you can enjoy burnt toast then because you don’t have any other food in here.” He huffed.

Hotaru slinked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, breathing in the scent of his existence. “I’ll eat burnt toast if you made it.”

In this moment, she felt free to be vulnerable. There were no consequences because he was no longer a trapped animal in her clutches; he was free to move around and he chose to stay by her side. Maybe now she could let go. She felt like confessing to him right there. What was stopping her?

He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly, his other hand sneaking it’s way up her shirt, easily covering the expanse of her stomach. He grabbed her hip and deepened the kiss, pressing hard against her lips. His mouth was wet and tasted like black coffee.

“Do you want to come back to bed?” She asked, sliding her hand beneath his boxers.

He grinned, “I don’t see why not.”

They spent the day in bed, and Grimmjow found himself enjoying nothing but her company. f*cking her was always his pleasure, but so was laying in her bed and listening to her heart beat. He sighed into her neck and fell asleep in her bed for the second time that weekend.

Their time together became harder and harder to distinguish. They’d wind up at the other’s apartments after work, a change of clothes already packed for the next day. His shirts would go missing and magically appear in Hotaru’s dresser. “Just in case you forget clothes,” She’d say, smiling up at him, her chin rested on his chest.

Their time together became domestic. She’d do laundry at his house; use his kitchen without asking; she knew where all the cups and silverware were, even knew which light switch was which. Sometimes, she’d bring her laptop and work at his apartment.

“Grimmjow, I have work to do.” she’d scold him as he kissed her neck softly as they sat on the couch together.

“It can wait.”

“It literally can’t. I have to send these emails and I’ll be all yours, okay?”

He won the battle when she glanced over at him and he wore an angry pout, his eyes dark with anger. She closed her laptop and crawled into his lap, straddling his hips. They intertwined like ivy, growing like an invasive species, marking each other like invisible tattoos. It was dangerous because there was truly no going back now. This time, it was all or nothing. Every kiss felt like the first and every time he held his dick between his thumb and pointer finger to guide it inside of her felt more exciting than the last.

All her dreams were coming true.

They were laying on his couch watching a movie, Hotaru curled up in his lap feeling him breathe, taking in the warmth of his scent. Suddenly, she sat up and looked at him. She often questioned if he was real; if he was really a person who she spent all her time with; if he was something fictitious, rather than the man who came inside her almost nightly.

“Grimmjow? she hesitated, hearing his name come out of her mouth rather than actually speaking them. He looked at her quizzically. “I know this could f*ck up a good thing we have going,” she chewed the inside of her cheek, unsure if she should keep going. “Well, it’s been on my mind for a long time. Maybe the whole time.” He was getting impatient.

“Grimmjow, I love you.” She stated. It was matter of fact and dry, as if she was telling a distant relative she loved them.

He raised his eyebrows and she could practically hear his breathing come to a halt. He didn’t know what to say. He opens his mouth and clamps it shut. Truthfully, he’s known that for a long time. The reaction is where he felt most insecure. Does he love Hotaru? He’s barely considered it and right now is not when he wants to start.

“Look, you don’t have to say it back. I just felt compelled to say it, I guess. I’m sure it’s not that much of a shock.” She sat up straight, feeling rigid and awkward. She wanted to crawl back into his lap, but she was too scared he’d push her away.

“You’re being too sappy.” Was all he said and pulled her back into his lap, placing a kiss on her head. “Shut up and watch the movie.”

She smiled and snuggled into him.

The following week, Hotaru proposed eating dinner at the Ichimaru house, something she hadn’t done in weeks. “I really want to see Rangiku, but I also don’t want to be away from you.” She said, placing wet kisses along the column of his neck. “Please, baby?” She whined. Grimmjow obliged, unable to say no when she was grinding down on him.

Upon their arrival, Hotaru nearly jumped out of the car before it even stopped to run into the house, calling out for Rangiku. She was met with a very puzzled Gin. “Were you raised right? How do you think that barging into someone’s house is okay? What if I was standing here naked? What if I thought you were a burglar?”

Hotaru laughed and ran upstairs, ignoring Gin and leaving him for Grimmjow. “Rangiku! Can I come in?”

“Yes!” She called back through the door. Hotaru entered to find a very aggravated Rangiku. “Nothing f*cking fits me anymore! My belly just keeps growing and my boobs, much to everyone’s surprise, are getting even bigger. How is that even possible!”

Hotaru gathered her in a hug and quickly started searching through her closet. “Have you not bought any maternity clothes?”

“Not yet. I didn’t think I’d be growing this fast!”

She was three months pregnant and her little bump was showing. She’d send occasional photos to Hotaru, but it was so much clearer in person. The soft flesh around where something so beautiful was growing made Hotaru’s eyes well up and she resumed searching for something to wear. “Just wear this little flowy dress. It’s only Grimmjow and I.”

Rangiku scoffed, “Fine, but only because it’s you.” She looked squarely at Hotaru, “Are you sure you’re not pregnant? You’re literally glowing.”

“Yeah f*cking right. As if I’m ready for that. We’re not even official yet.” She grinned, "He just f*cks that good." Hotaru had told her about her love confession to Grimmjow, but Rangiku was not pleased when she heard he didn’t say it back.

“At least he’s not f*cking around with you anymore.” She sighed. “I’m sure it’s coming soon. It’s probably just hard for him to ask since he’s got such a stick up his ass.”

“What if I just asked him?” She rubbed the back of her neck bashfully, “Like, is that acceptable?”

Rangiku flopped down on her bed and looked around the room contemplatively. “Are you comfortable with that?”

“I mean, I’ve been the one to initiate all of it. Every single thing. Minus the first time we had sex, I guess. So I think we’re past what I’m 'comfortable' asking him.”

Rangiku nodded. “Okay, then ask him.”

They walked downstairs to greet the boys who were talking about some coworker who recently started. Gin stopped talking immediately upon seeing Rangiku and smiled softly, extending his hand for her. Grimmjow gazed at Hotaru, but his focus quickly vanished when Rangiku turned to him. “How have you been, Grimmjow?” The two of them rarely interacted, which always made Hotaru sweat. Rangiku knew too much about him for her to feel fully safe.

“I’m the same as always.” He replied, wrapping his arm around Hotaru’s waist.

"Are you coming to our Halloween party next month?" She asked, looking directly into his eyes.

"I don't see why not." He replied flatly, giving Hotaru another squeeze.

Dinner went smoothly. Gin christened the Fall with his first harvest soup and they sat outside enjoying the crisp Autumn air. The leaves were finally starting to turn and Hotaru leaned her head on Grimmjow’s shoulder as he talked about the upcoming baseball playoffs. She laced her fingers with his and smiled as he unknowingly rubbed circles on her hand with his thumb. They felt safe with the Ichimaru’s. It was their space to be a couple without actually being a couple.

Hotaru drank too much and Rangiku got tired early, so the night ended sooner than anticipated, but Hotaru was happier than ever being surrounded by all her favorite people. She kissed Rangiku on the cheek before leaving and hugged Gin, telling him he’s gonna be a great dad. Grimmjow ended up dragging her out, assuring her that she’d see them again soon.

They arrived at Hotaru’s apartment and they made their way to bed, stripping into their underwear and getting cozy under the covers.

“What did you think of dinner?” She whispered into the darkness, still a little tipsy.

“I had a nice time.” He said quietly. She nodded to herself.

The darkness gave her courage, “What do you think of us dating?”

She could feel the stillness in the air. “Where is this coming from?”

“I want to be your girlfriend. Even if it’s just on a trial basis.”

“Trial basis?”

“Yes.” She managed. “I just want this so bad. I would do anything.”

“Okay.” He said.

“What?”

“Okay. I’ll do it—we can do it. Let’s date.”

Chapter 17

Chapter Text

The stretch between October and March had always been her least favorite time of year up until now. Now she had a semblance of a home to return to; she had someone who waited for her and warmed her up before work, pulling her back into bed for the third time before she insisted that she needed to get ready. Now Fall and Winter were warm and vibrant, something to cherish. Her boyfriend waited at her apartment, greeting her with a kiss.

“What do you want for dinner baby?”

She smiled into his lips and kicked off her shoes. “Let’s order takeout, hm?”

“You’re trying to fatten me up.” He growled playfully.

“Mm,” she murmured, “I can’t have any other women coming after you.”

He deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms around her. “Let’s make something, okay? I’ll cook.”

“No, no. Let me make you a home-cooked meal. Or we can cook together?”

It had only been a month since they agreed to date, but Hotaru could feel a real change in their relationship. Grimmjow was sweeter, softer, more affectionate. Cooking for her, putting away her laundry, picking her up from work—he showered her with what seemed like love, but he still hadn’t said it back.

They unloaded their groceries and walked hand in hand to the door. While they cooked, Hotaru wrapped her arms around Grimmjow’s waist, her face planted between his shoulder blades. “It would be so hot if you cooked for me shirtless.” Hotaru giggled into his back, tugging at the bottom of his T-shirt

“Let me get this straight,” Grimmjow calls to her. “You invite me into your house, promising dinner--a ‘home-cooked meal’ if I remember correctly—and I’m forced to cook for you and then you want me to take my shirt off? Don’t you know how dangerous that is?” He turns around, pulling his shirt over his head, mussing his hair up in the process. “Do you want me to get burns all over my torso?” Hotaru re-wraps her arms around his waist, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his neck.

“God, you’ve been so obedient lately.” She could feel his body warming up, allowing herself to believe it was her words that affected him so. He wanted to please her. He wanted to make her feel wanted and powerful in their relationship. Just for now. He stood there topless, relishing in the bliss of her lips on his neck, her hands traveling all over his chest. “To me, you’re a god. I’m so lucky I get to breathe the same air as you.” She kissed his lips softly, tugging on his hair, “I love you so much.” She hadn’t said it since her initial confession, but it felt right to speak it out loud again.

He hummed into her hair as she tucked her nose into his chest. “Let me cook you dinner, please. And I’m putting my shirt back on.” Hotaru nodded and released him. It was like heaven watching him cook in the soft glow of her kitchen light. He moved beautifully, muscles flexing and his brow furrowed as he focused on cutting vegetables.

“You know I’ve never cooked for a girl before.” He teased, focus remaining on the meal he prepared. His back muscles flexed as he moved around easily.

“Wow, you must really like me.” Hotaru giggled, feeling nothing but love swell in her chest. It was distracting when he was around and she found herself drawn to him, losing the battle to not stand directly next to him as he cooked. “Can I watch?” She whispered in his ear, wrapping her arms around him again.

He tensed and the tips of his ears turned a bright pink.

“What’s so interesting about watching me cook?” He grumbled, “But yeah, I don’t see why not.”

“I just need to be close to you.”

Grimmjow could feel himself softening as the days went on. Relaxation settled over him and he could no longer fight it—he was hers and she was his. It was as if his strange feelings that he’s been having all come to a head and he realized being with her made him feel good.

He looked down at the pot, the soup bubbling softly, and he thought of the warmth Hotaru brought him. He turned to look at her and felt a smile creep onto his lips. She was beautiful, leaning against the counter, staring softly at him.

“You can be close to me.” He said softly. “Just don’t get in my way.”

“I wouldn’t dare disturb a chef in his element.”

“Come taste this.” She jumped up immediately, her lips eagerly awaiting the spoon. He brought it up to her lips, grabbing her chin to steady her, and watched lustfully as she latched onto the spoon and moaned.

“It’s so good, baby.” She whispered, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “You’re such a good cook.”

He was here, she realized. He was in her kitchen cooking her food. He had the keys to her apartment. She was the one who he fed his cooking. He would tell her, she knew, that he loved her soon.

“Are you gonna be here for Christmas?” She tested, picking at her nails, detaching herself from him on the couch after dinner, “Gin and Rangiku are having another Christmas party.”

“I’m going to a friend’s this year. He lives a few hours away.” He admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, baby. He’s an old friend that I haven’t seen in years.”

Hotaru didn’t want to dare ask him if she could join. Even she knew it was far too early. “That’s okay, baby. I don’t mind.” It was a lie. Christmas was a few weeks away, but she already felt sick at the idea of being lonely again.

“Baby,” He urged, “You’ll be okay. You have people here.”

She suddenly became indignant, burying her face in his still bare chest. “I know I have people here, but I wanted you. This would be our first Christmas together!”

“Hotaru, don’t pull all this bullsh*t.” He pulled back, searching her eyes, “You’re an adult. Please act like it for Christ’s sake.”

“I know that, Grimmjow. And I’m not pulling any bullsh*t. I just wanted to be with you, but it’s not a big deal. I’ll be fine with Gin and Rangiku.” She fought the urge to remind him of what happened the Christmas prior. Maybe I’ll run into Shuhei again, she’d say, Who’ll be there to protect me when he comes onto me? That was too far. Grimmjow might lose his sh*t if she tried that. It never ends well when she pushes his buttons. “Who’s your friend? Is it anyone I know?”

“Nah, no one you know. He and I were friends in college.”

“Is anyone else gonna be there?” She pushed, hoping he wouldn’t get her angle.

He took a deep breath and looked at her squarely, “Not that I know of.”

Hotaru saw him off the following week, pressing a soft kiss into his lips. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in tighter. “I’ll see you in a week. You better be good.” He chided, tilting her chin up toward him. His face suddenly turned beet red, “I love you.” He mumbled.

She grinned, pulling him in for a deep kiss, silently thanking him for a reason to be well-behaved. “I love you so much. Drive safe.”